[stayed]

Oh I agree with this and our FAULT was that we enabled those flaws, swept them under the rug.
So a great place to work is to stop enabling, fixing, pursuing.

Now, you have really hit the nail on the head OP... WE DID ALLOW our spouses to be this way.... I bet if we really thought about it, we always let them have their way.  We must not allow ANYBODY to take advantage of us.  I am suspicious that most of us, have always been capable caring people, who THOUGHT they were being helpful and thoughtful.  Sadly, our spouses saw us as an EASY TARGET... who would bend over backwards to please... because we LOVE EVERYBODY to be happy.   

Happiness comes easy to us... and we just want everybody to feel as happy as we USUALLY DO!  Our mistake!  We must learn to leave people to find their own bloody happiness.

I would say our biggest flaw is, we make EXCUSES FOR PEOPLE... which doesn't help anybody, in any way.

hugs Stayed

[Duthla]

I shall chime in here as I'm not so sure if this can be called a "flaw". Rather a pre-condition? Let me share my story and insight into my situation....
I have read a lot on abandonment recovery and since this is a theme for me, I decided to dig deeper. Here's what I found: While pregnant, my birth mother knew she was going to give me up for adoption. She was 18 yrs old and broke with no family support. It is very possible that as I was developing in utero, my brain was being "mapped" to prepare for abandonment. After I was born, I was held by her for 10 minutes, until the nurses realized she wasn't keeping me and they took me away. As an infant, my brain would have responded to this de-attachment and likely panicked. (More mapping) For the first three months, I was in a foster home. Likely my basic needs were met, however that emotional attachment need (which we require as a species) was likely not met. (even more mapping) When I was three months old I was placed into the home that eventually became my family. I attached to my mother very strongly. My father, well that's another story. He is the first emotional abandonment story I actually remember.
SO...how does this relate to me now? I believe that I accept when my emotional needs are not being met. H was very much like my father in that he provided financially (house, food, recreational activities, etc) and for the first part of our relationship DID meet my emotional needs. However, as time went on, my emotional needs were not being met. H became consistently negative and tested my trust in him. He also became critical of what I was providing him (sex, support, understanding, etc.) and that was hard to hear. I thought I was giving him my best. When he wasn't satisfied with that, I tried even HARDER. (I didn't want to be abandoned) It was during these discussions that I also expressed my emotional needs and how they were not being met by him.
Now, here's my insight and why I have been saying I was too complacent. Even though my BASIC NEEDS were being met (echo of my infancy) I settled for that. I tried to have my emotional needs heard and met and when they were not, I ACCEPTED THAT. Why? Because my brain is mapped to settle for such a situation. (another echo of my infancy.....if you can't get ALL your needs met, accept and be grateful that your basic ones are.)
Now this situation does not mean I'm doomed to repeat it over and over again in my future relationships, as I have in my past and most recently with H. I am now more AWARE. This also tells me why my ability to DETACH is so very hard. Make sense? Detaching for a person who's greatest fear is abandonment is a hurdle not easily overcome. My BRAIN fights me on it every step of the way!
My story and insight may not resonate with everyone here. Perhaps not anyone. I just thought I would share in the hopes that maybe someone may share my AHA! moment.

[OldPilot]

This also tells me why my ability to DETACH is so very hard. Make sense? Detaching for a person who's greatest fear is abandonment is a hurdle not easily overcome. My BRAIN fights me on it every step of the way!

I think that this is very common for some LBS.
I think we all more than likely have fears of abandonment.
I know that I worked through these issues too.
Might explain more why we are enablers.
Words of Affirmation and Touch as love languages.

[stayed]

Not sure whether your story resonates with us or not... not sure it really matters.  I know I did NOT have your experience and yet I was MORE ACCEPTING then I guess I should have been.  I have always pretty much just taken people as they come, in fact, I accept most situations for what they are.  I have never felt there was a long explanation for it... to me it was simply a case of where NO PARENT BECOMES A PARENT with the intent to be a $HITTY one.  Even your birth mother, felt she was doing you a favour, giving you up for adoption knowing that a man and woman could be the only people that could adopt you.  She felt she was giving you PARENTS... a mommy and a daddy.

As you see, nobody can guarantee anything.  Look at your son, he is now being raised by his mother (mostly) with input from his daddy.  Not quite what you had in mind, did you.    Duthla, none of us know how we would have turned out, if our life experiences had been different.  That is what life is all about. 

The bottom line is, that no matter what you did, or why you did it... the RESULT was the same.  Your spouse left you, for another person... just like the rest of us.  Making excuses for WHY our spouses has done this, won't make any difference.  In fact, I would venture a guess that by making MORE ALLOWANCES for his disgusting behaviour we are in fact VALIDATING the MLCer's sense of entitled.

 Dang.... wish OP's comments came before I wrote this... as usual he is right again... I think MOST people are afraid of being abandoned... probably an instinctive fear we are born with.

Hugs... Stayed

[Bewildered]

An article I saw that I wanted to share ... As it fitted with this theme and why forgiveness is so difficult -the pain is so all encompassing ?


“The pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow.” ~Unknown

“How did you get so wise?” My friend’s voice on the other end of the telephone line was genuinely curious.

I took a moment to think, wanting to be just as sincere in my response as she was in her inquiry. I felt the words climb up from the depths of my heart and ride a breath of truth as they passed through my lips.

“I cry a lot,” I finally responded.

Believe me, I wish there was another way. On my personal journey—and there are surely others who walk a similar path—life at times sweeps me up in a wave of utter brokenness, and washes me onto new shores of beautiful transformation, grounded wisdom, and unconditional love.

There is a longstanding slogan in Alcoholics Anonymous that pain is the touch point of all spiritual progress.

Somehow our moments of deep despair and gut-wrenching desperation serve as evolutionary portals to a higher level of grace and resolve. The breakdown itself is the gateway to the breakthrough.

Don’t get me wrong. I do not go chasing after anguish like an adrenaline junkie with a death wish. Just because turmoil shows up as an unexpected guest at my front door that doesn’t mean I graciously invite it in for tea and cookies.

I avoid pain—internal and external—whenever possible. I’ve given birth to two beautiful children and both times I asked for the labor-numbing drugs. If I so much as stub my toe on the bedside table or get into an spat with my husband, I reach for my favorite quilt and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s for comfort.

I have heard there are two types of pain in the world—welcomed and unwelcomed.

Suffering is defined as unwelcomed pain. I am beginning to understand that, like enduring labor, the more I am able to stop resisting pain’s vice-like grip and breathe through the ark—noticing its build, peak, and subsiding—the less of a hold it has on me.

Just like birthing my babies, on the other side of the pain is the promise. Some of life’s greatest gifts come wrapped in sandpaper.

Here are a few of the treasured insights I have received on the other side life’s tribulations. I hope they renew your strength, affirm that you are not alone, and shed a hopeful light on your dark moments.

Pain strengthens you.

In order to build a muscle we lift the weight. But first there is a breaking and bleeding of the capillaries. The healing of the wound is what develops the muscle; injury precedes strength.

Pain refines you.

It takes pressure to make a diamond and fire to purify gold. Nothing cleanses the soul like a good cry. Tears wash away the impurities of fear and attachment and clear the channels for love to freely flow.

Pain lightens the load.

Growing up my mother would often say, “When you are down to nothing, life is up to something.”

Navigating painful moments can feel like squeezing yourself through a tight corridor. There is no room for excess baggage. At the peak of agony I have learned to let go of the “stuff” in my hands—my stories, my fears, my judgments—in order to hold on for dear life.

Pain qualifies you.

Nothing qualifies a person to step up to a big vision for their life like pain. When I count the cost of the rejection and disappointments endured on the journey to living my dreams, it creates a worthiness and grounded resolve that my toughest critics cannot chip away.

Pain connects you.

One tragedy unites people in a far deeper way than a thousand moments of laughter. Falling apart independently and collectively healing has launched powerful, life-changing movements like Mothers Against Drunk Driving (M.A.D.D.). Pain becomes purpose when it is shared.

Like the peaks and falls on a heart monitor, the valley low moments are just as much a confirmation of life as the mountain highs. Lean into pain’s sting. Allow yourself to be placed on its potter’s wheel and transformed into all you can ever hope to be and more.

Remember, life is never happening to you, it is always happening for you. Always.




About Mina Grace Drake

For years, Mina Grace Drake has been helping professional women who are burnt out, unfulfilled, and ready for something more in life to get clear on their options, reconnect with what they’re truly passionate about, and THRIVE in the new work they’re inspired to do. Visit www.catch-a-fire.com.

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[Disneyme]

Wow. I was just thinking how do you know if they are ever truly sorry. I lost all my friends during the crying phase. No one wanted Debbie Downer and I was mad that they could still be friends with a man who left his family, didn't want to pay bills, and was chasing a 25 year old. He blames me. Said I had to keep talking bad about him and he sat back and they stayed with him. I talked about him because they were friends with him and saw a different story. The "I left my b!tc#y wife because I can't take it anymore" story. And I got the "get over it move on" from them. It kills me that he could hurt me (a human being never mind wife) so easy and not bat an eye.

[Songanddance]

I think MOST people are afraid of being abandoned... probably an instinctive fear we are born with.

“The pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow.” ~Unknown
“I cry a lot,” I finally responded.
Pain strengthens you.
Pain refines you.
It takes pressure to make a diamond and fire to purify gold. Nothing cleanses the soul like a good cry. Tears wash away the impurities of fear and attachment and clear the channels for love to freely flow.
Growing up my mother would often say, “When you are down to nothing, life is up to something.”

Just hit on this this morning and it's just started to join the dots.
Funny how when you are least looking for help - it hits you right between the eyes.

My H is afraid of being abandoned and has said so, several times. His actual words when crying after his mum's death was "why does everyone abandon me?" So he chooses to abandon his family and values - crazy!

Re the pain - I have been getting cross with myself for getting so tearful lately - part of the cycling process, I know but every day??  I must see it as part of my growing not a weakness and therefore it's part of making me feel better and less victim like.

 

[stayed]

Re the pain - I have been getting cross with myself for getting so tearful lately - part of the cycling process, I know but every day??  I must see it as part of my growing not a weakness and therefore it's part of making me feel better and less victim like.

 

Absolutely Songanddance, it is not a weakness.  I swear, the Shahara Desert would be green now, if I could have done my  crying there... accept they are salty aren't the...  OH well, you get what I am trying to say... hehehe.  No shame in crying.  Tears purify!

hugs... Stayed

[UKStander]

Going to back to the powerful post at the start of all this and the difference between Guilt and Remorse... 

This is becoming very significant for me now, even though my H is still in Early Replay.  Why?  Because instead of hanging on to hope, hope, hope all the time, and looking for every possible sign that things are going to be restored, it's getting me to start standing back a little (ha!  some of RCR's counselling has just pinged into my mind; she said, try Standing at a distance...)  and take a look a the bigger picture here.

What if bugger-lugs does decide to return, eventually?  What am I going to do? Am I ready for that day? I'm getting ready on the 'charging neutral' front as I'm much less emotionally driven than I was, and my shattered self-e is starting to heal, but what will i say if he wants to come back? 

And I realise the litmus test of whether a return is even possible, in that particular moment, is his mental state at the time. And unless he's in liminality/overt depression, then none of the vital work of alchemy has been done by this crazy process. Implosion = Chance at rebirth. Tears must be seen. (Stayed's ref to her husband's sobbing through the night, and other stories I've heard, away from this site, about MLC-ers crying like babies, tell me also that this is true.

The tears are just the beginning, of course.  But they're essential.  Just as they were for many of us, to start healing.

UKS
 

[Stillpraying]

I don't quite know if what I'm feeling from my sister now is her own lack of true remorse for her affair with her BIL (her H's younger brother) over 10 years ago.  It lasted for 18 mths and as far as I know neither she nor her H did any counselling or anything afterwards.  They stayed together but that's it.

I've posted before about earlier comments from my sister and BIL regarding how it is both our fault that H left etc.  Last week, she phoned me to let me know her D (21 yrs old) was crying at my place because we hadn't left yet to go with my kids to the snow.  Its a lengthy and complicated story but while we were talking she also says, "sorry to be blunt, but there are heaps of single parents these days" and "I don't know what your life is like"  and "I don't know why your H can't do the driving to sports activities etc These were all in response to my explaining that I AM a busy person as I am doing the job of both parents.  I also brought up the comment she made at Christmas about how I didn't have it as bad as her H's mum when her H passed away because she had 7 children and I only had 4.  Mind you, most of her kids were adults.

I have sensed her distinct lack of any emotional support for me from the beginning.  She will do the odd practical thing and talk to the kids but brushes me off any time I try to explain what has happened etc.

I am now wondering if in her mind she is trying to make it MY fault for H leaving because if she didn't that would put guilt and blame onto the betraying spouse which she once was.  Whilst she openly acknowledges what he did was wrong, she has not acknowledged it was an issue within herself not the hurt it may have caused those she betrayed.  She says it was because her H didn't give her the attention she wanted and was grumpy when he returned from a week away for work.  I am wondering if she is truly sorry??  I think she's sorry that it happened but I don't think she's sorry because of why it happened and I don't think she wants to acknowledge my pain and daily struggles because that would mean she's need to acknowledge the pain she caused others by what she did.
There just always seems to be a brick wall with her where I CANNOT discuss and explain what has happened with H.  She expects him to behave like a rational man and be an equal parent with me and I should therefore not have to ever ask her for help.
Any thoughts???