[brokenhearted]

Hi Believer, just stopping by to say hi and Merry Christmas to you.  I think it is time to plan another get together. Lots to catch up on. I, like you, wonder if they just move on, or if all the issues are there, hidden by his current happiness with the ow, his wife in 4 days...hard to believe. I also wonder if his issues that led to this crisis will someday errupt, poor ow...though I will never feel sorry for her ...
Oh well, wishing you a blessed Christmas

[Glimmer]

Hi don't know if anyone can help but I'm sure I read somewhere about touch'n'goes, and how the frequency of them drop off as they move deeper into the tunnel.

My H in the earlier days would have frequent t&gs, usually around a 3 month cycle . However we haven't had one now for well over a year.  If I remember it was around September 2011, just after his R with OW1 broke up, and it was the longest one so far, lasting a few weeks. He admitted that he could not move on and that he couldn't stay away.  Shortly after that he hooked up with OW2 in around November 2011.  Since then we have not had one t&g. This could be that he has finally found his soul mate and has 'moved on'  or he is so far into the tunnel that he has lost sight of everything we had before.  He still spends part of every day here, but the emotional distance between us is huge.

If anyone can refer me to this article I would be grateful.     

[Rollercoasterider]

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_coming-and-going_touch-and-goes-and-reconnection.html

[finallykf]

Is there any kind of research on whether the severity of MLC is hereditary?

My husband has two brothers.  All of them have been divorced at least once.  Two of them will have been divorced twice if you count my H who filed for divorce on BD day.  And I just found out today that a month and a half after BD one of my husband's brothers got divorced for the third time.  That is 6 divorces amongst 3 brothers - all the divorces were initiated by the brothers.

My father in law also had an affair somewhere around the time the youngest brother either started High School or left for college.  He was also a workaholic.  My H used to complain to me that his dad was never around because all he did was work and when he was home, everyone had to walk on egg shells around him and let him do whatever he wanted to do because he was always in such a bad mood.  (Yet, in spite of complaining about it, my husband also became a workaholic).  Subsequently my mother in law became a very passive aggressive person and has never been able to let go of her sons.  She calls and texts them multiple times a day (she would send my H a text every morning telling him to have a great day and then she would call him right when he got off work to talk to him about his day).

I just find it interesting that there are so many divorces in my H's family that have all been initiated by them.

[Niek]

I think many men with MLC are workaholics. Its is a way to run away from their FOO issues. If that doesn't work anymore OW comes in the picture.
My H comes from an identical family as your H. All his brothers are divorced and left their children. One brother is now with OW3. His sister recently left her boyfriend cause she (also) wants to be free. Another sister is a widow, but from the day her H died he was never mentioned anymore by her and no one is allowed to talk about him. Reason why her son has a severe problem with alcohol and drugs I think. Tried to commit suicide twice but everybody in his family pretends nothing is the matter. Problems doesn't exist cause to the outside world the family is perfect. And I think that this strange way of coping with problems is also the reason that we LBS many times doesn't hear nothing anymore from our FIL.
The funny thing is that I also thought his family was perfect although I always saw some very strange things. A passive aggressive MIL who never showed emotions and has very very very little interest in her children. But all her children adored her and treated her like their child. But since MLC I now what a mess this family must be and how my H really feels about his mother. Thanks to all his projections and blaming.

[justasking]

Finally

Not sure about the research but we all have transitions in life and midlife is one of them. Most of us get trough with a small bump or nothing at all.

Those who go into crisis are those who have had their emotional development stalled in their childhood. Therefore with the same parents it likely runs in families but not always. Depends how resilient the child was and whether there was a significant adult in their life who could support them through their emotional development.

But Neik is right the FOO issues have the biggest impact and they are often hidden until we know them really well. Like your H brothers my H brother has also gone through MLC and got divorced.

[Returned]

I haven't gotten much feedback on my threads since I switched from the private board to the community board. I would certainly welcome everyone.s thoughts on my thread....

Here is a link to my thread http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3100.0

[itina]

I have a question

Do I continue to tell my H that his S's are not coping very well..  Friends said I should let him know.  I have actually told him before but deflects saying it would have happened whether he was here or not.

S17 is holding all his feelings inside and his psych has advised me  to keep a close eye on him. Because of his depression

S15 is very emotional, clingy, cries a lot during the day and says life isn't worth
 living

Any advice would be helpful

[stayed]

Oh my dear itina, you must be terrified.  I know I would be. 

Quite frankly, I honestly can't see it having much of an impact on your h.  Most MLCer's just can't seem to get their minds off their own "self interests", if their children are not coping, it is obviously because of something you are doing wrong.  WE know this is not true.  I think you should always keep your h INFORMED about his children, just don't expect much from him.

As for the boys, do you have an important, influential male in your life, ie.  Father, brother, brother in law... cousin... friend?   If not, perhaps you could get them a "big brother" or some such equivalent.  Your sons need some help, big time.  15 year old young men, do cry easily, nor do they talk about life not being worth living.  This sounds very serious to me.  Perhaps the school could help you, they have in school counseling now, for these type of situations.  They are very good as well.   My middle son had a bad accident years ago and his big brother was with him, when it happened.  My oldest son felt responsible.  The school counseling, really helped. 

I can't believe your S17's psych, told you to keep an eye on him, without providing you with some suggestions on how to help him.  Yikes.  You poor woman.

One of the things that WE ALL FOUND, our children very much took their CUES from us.  When I was a whimpering, snotty, blob on the floor, my children were edgy, tearful and skittish.  Once I got my feet under myself.  Got my emotions under control and could talk to them confidently, they IMPROVED drastically.  Our children depend on us.  Not fair, I know, as we are in such a fragile state but sometimes having to get a grip and sort ourselves out, is the best thing for us.  Having children that are obviously falling apart due to the situation, is often JUST THE STIMULUS we need, to get busy and start putting Humpty back together again.

Hugs Stayed

[itina]

Thank you stayed

I am very, very concerned about their mental/emotional stability.

My older brother has been talking to them. He quite often doesn't know what to say.  S's have been on school holidays so have not been able to access school counsellors.  The only thing psych said is son might have to have AD.

Funny thing is I am more in control of myself now and they seem to be falling to pieces more now. Honestly I think that they both thought he would come home.

One thing I keep letting them both know is that I am there for them no matter what it is!!!  I  don't know what else to do