[OldPilot]

My personal interest would be what if my H's affair isn't due to MLC... will I be shooting myself in the foot by trusting the MLC process (when it isn't actually there).

You would not do anything differently.
If he comes back it would be a shorter process.

[2.roads]

I'm new to this community but thoroughly appreciating the wisdom and support here.

May I toss out a question...?

   It has been 20 months since BD. H has been "with" OW since around time of BD...has been living with her for almost 8 months. No communication except rare contact regarding our kids. He has never wavered this entire time that he is D.O.N.E done. My question: If he is done....why does he make it impossible for me to move forward? He will not settle ANY legal issues...will NOT divide marital assets...and MOST frustrating is that I had a great chance to move away to be closer to family and he won't let D15 go EVEN THOUGH HE RARELY SEES HER ANYWAY.


I have responded on your thread.

limitless

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Because he is not done, done. If everything was so great, then why hasn't he moved forward? Because he is in replay and while in replay, he is moving and living in the past trying to "fix" things that  he feels he should have done the first time around. Unfortunately, he can't do it because once done the path, the road closes behind you.

Yet, despite all things, the MLCer wants to keep you and the family right where he/she left them. That is why they drag their feet. In fact, I would be reason to say that most men divorce the LBSer at the insistence of OW. Women MLCer seem to divorce quick because they see the marriage as an obstacle. That is my opinion, because we have men MLCer who file quickly and we have female MLCers who stay and drag out the progress for years and years.

Read the articles and keep posting. (((((hugs)))))
 

[Finding Hope]

I have a question. How do you mirror when he does nothing. We eat together, during that time I initiate conversation so that we dont just sit there.

At this point just sitting there would be just fine with me. Most of the time he is in his truck or on the computer. I tire of this.

FH

[justasking]

FH

You don't have to mirror him all the time and there will be times when you are together when this can happen. For instance wait for him to intiate the conversation. The silence irritates us but for them it is time out. When you accept that silence is acceptable and not a form of punishment then you are able to let it be and the silence becomes a stillness and not an ittitation.

When their depression is deepening the silence is a reflection of that. At this time time means nothing to them either so your hour will be a matter of minutes to him. At these times they often just sit and stare.

Infact sometimes silence can become your friend to as initiating the conversation all the time can and does make us feel uncomfortable.

xx

[Finding Hope]

JA,

Just one more question, please. When I dont initiate conversation, I know that he thinks this is me being mean. Not talking to him (sad but true), is something that I would do when I was mad at him. When I dont initiate conversation, he ALWAYS asks me whats wrong.

FH

[Ready2Transform]

JA,

Just one more question, please. When I dont initiate conversation, I know that he thinks this is me being mean. Not talking to him (sad but true), is something that I would do when I was mad at him. When I dont initiate conversation, he ALWAYS asks me whats wrong.

FH

But you're not being mean - so he needs to emotional mature to understand that.  It is not your responsibility to control how he feels about something.  If he wants conversation, he can start some!   If you want some, it is also your right, but not your burden if you don't.  That's my take, as I think you should mitigate out as much discomfort for yourself through this as possible.

[justasking]

FH

There is a difference between that mean 'I'm sulking and not speaking to you' than the still calm silence that I mention. Your demeanor will tell him that this is an ok silence.

I was also accused of being mean etc and what that does is heighten our awareness of ourselves to the point that sometimes it beecomes an unreasonable pressure to put it right. The outcome of that is we converse at all costs to prove we have changed. Let your intuition guide you. It will be difficult at first as you will still feel the need to fill the silence.

xx

[Finding Hope]

Ready and JA,

Thank you, I think I can do this, and not seem like its a punishment. 

FH

[Chickpea]

I miss my h so much- some days I wake up thinking he will come home after work.  He has been so cruel and hateful but I would be willing to forgive if we went thru counseling.
My h is a vanisher so I don't know anything about what is happening with him.  People I know from his work, tell me he seems perfectly normal.  He also told me weeks ago, when we spoke by phone for 2 mins that he was happy. 
Would I make things worse if I emailed him to tell him I still love him and want him home?  I afraid of making mistakes- I made so many that I chased him away.