[limitless]

To all,

The previous thread had grown to 17 pages.

Here is RCR's original post, from the previous thread, on the purpose and use of this discussion topic.

Discuss away!

previous thread:  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2220.0

limitless

The Mentor Team has been discussing things we can do to improve the Mentor Program. We are kicking a few ideas around the brainstorm and this thread is one of the best ideas. I don't know how it will evolve and so this will be a test for the first little bit.

Post links to your threads or to information on another thread if they are relevant. If something goes off tangent, we may split those posts away into a Topic thread--nothing wrong with that, it's how some topics get started!
Edit: I think it may also be a good idea if you are responding to Start your post with the Reply # and Display Name from the post to which you are responding. I suggest you include the Display Name because we might come through and clean up unnecessary posts from time-to-tim and the Reply# will then change. If you are posting a new question, say that at the beginning.

So your opening will liook like one of these two things:
Replay# X, Kikki
OR
New Question


It will give an opportunity for you to interact with someone other than your assigned mentor and to  have quick questions asked--maybe like an FAQ. It may also be a good way to let a mentor know that you need attention. The mentors also liked it because they can pop-in quickly and look here to see if any matters are pressing.

I would also like to come up with a better system to match mentors to mentees. Now, though I sometimes notice a fit, I usually go down the list and see who has the fewest mentees and assign that way--not very personal.   So this may or may not help newbies get to know each mentor's style--we will see.

Either way, I'm excited about it!
So ask away...
I may edit this introduction as we tinker with this thread direction.

[Finding Hope]

Hey Limitless,

Chime in here, you have kids my girls ages.

FH

[calamity]

Hi FH,

My d, 22 on Monday, understands what I am doing--i.e. standing.  She sees that her father is not himself; she sees him do & say weird things.  She understands that it is not a situation like an ordinary break-up & she frequently observes those in her age group.  The best thing she has said to me is that I have grown & dealt with this mess & he 'hasn't even begun'. 
Whatever happens I am setting her the example that you don't just throw away people or give up when it is difficult.  She is probably the only one in the family who doesn't think I am a doormat.  She knows me.

[limitless]

FH,

I believe you are asking me to chime in on the conversation from the previous thread - regarding what we (Standers) are showing to our kids by continuing to Stand, when we are mistreated/unloved by the MLCer?

Well, you know my situation and yours are very different.  You have an MLCer who has never left home (physically, at least) - mine has been gone for 2 years and has filed for D. 

At first I was very vocal of my Stand to anyone who would listen.  I'm sure they all got sick of hearing it...(honestly, I got sick of hearing it).  Things have changed...I've calmed down and he filed.  To the world (including my kids) I am just a soon to be (maybe???) divorced woman who is trying to move forward with my life.  I keep my Stand to myself, except for my LBS friends here.

So, I guess I believe that I am showing my kids that, regardless of what happens in life, we need to stand up, be strong, and go on with our lives.  I am also showing my kids that you don't just "give-up" on your longterm relationship - you give it the time and space needed for it to "work out" - one way or the other.  And, you don't immediately immerse yourself into a new relationship.

I think it is much more difficult (in a different way) for those with MLCers at home and the things you show/teach your kids.

limitless

[Mitzpah]

FH,

I also have older kids (20, 19 and 17). My h. has also left home and lives with OW. There is no doubt that he doesn't love me.
My kids know I stand. They don't necessarily agree with me and they probably think I am a little mad.

I don't know exactly what they think, however I remember my MIL who 'stood' without really knowing what she was doing out of personal conviction that marriage was forever. My FIL never came back - he died six years after leaving home, not before having a child with OW. I remember seeing my h. a teenager at the time, revile his father as a drunkard, and my MIL slapped him, telling him never to speak of his father in that manner again - she never spoke ill of her husband. My h. and his siblings had immense respect for their mother who practically reinvented herself, a veritable phoenix!

I hope my children will see that one does not throw away a marriage, return evil for evil, insult for insult, but we must pronounce blessings on those who disagree with us.

I do not talk about my stand to them (or to anyone else except my mother and you here) any more. But they know that I continue to stand - I still wear my wedding ring and there are pictures of us as a couple and family all over the house, his side of our closet is empty (ish! he still has clothes here ).

As L. says, I may be divorced soon, he doesn't seem to be in a hurry, but still talks about it. I carry on living and working. I hope I am being the stable one - I know I am part of the furniture!! He is the 'interesting' one to them!

So, I guess I am 'strange' but I am ok with that. I do not feel like a doormat.

[sdgisawt]

I have a ? . Dont know if you can help or not but any input may help me to understand. My h has been gone now for 5.5yrs last yr i found out about ow. Well i used to ask when are you coming home , always got im working on it . Well after finding out about ow i stopped asking about him coming home  ,and he just lashed out at me that if i come home there want be anyone living with us ever again. well i never ask him to come home . and he was talking about our son. also i ask him about our son wherer he could come and he said we will talk about it when the time was right, so iask him again and he said he could come home .my dauther even said what is wrong with dad he is acting differant like nice...but its like he has slipped back in    and there was one time he said he didnt want to be with anyone ,  what could this mean  / and also he went to dr. because he didnt have any energy    thank all

[readytofixmyselffirst]

You have not given us much information to go on so I am going to try and give you advice based upon what you have stated. I think your h has started to cycle back to the family by trying to make contacxt with your children. However, he still seems confused. Does he want your son to be back in his life or just his daughter? That part confused me. His lack of energy could be his energy level dropping for replay. Of course, I don't know you h and I am not a doctor. I don't want to build hope or expectations. Continue to be detached and focus on your kids. As stated before, this is his crisis and you have to let him do it all on his own.

((((hugs))))

[theheartknows]

Just wrote this on my thread...but I am getting little traffic there and would really like some feedback from those who have "been around the blocK" so I have copied and pasted. Thanks!!!!

Had a bit of mim-monster today. Husband and I had a text exchange in which he mentioned taking care of a chore" this week." I asked him if that meant that he were going to be in town and  if he were planning to stay in guest room He replied, "he thought so," and that he would let me know when he got his schedule for certain.
    Well, this didn't set well with me. I don't mind when he asks to come to stay, but this was all too casual and I wouldn't have even known that it was in the works if I hadn't pursued with the questions.
    So, I sent a text telling him I would appreciate a heads up when he planned on staying and mentioned that I am sure that he would like the same if I were headed down to his area and wanted to stay.
     Fireworks! If it is that big of a deal," he wrote," and you don't want me to stay, just say so! I am not going to beg to stay, I can find somewhere else. As far as you coming to my mom's to stay, it isn't your house so it s not the same thing."
      Even after reassuring him that I wold like to see him (which I would) he remained indignant about me trying to put him in my shoes and mentioning how it would feel to him if I came into into his space casually. He again referred to me making "a big deal out of it," said, "have a great day," and cut me off.
     I can't tell if this is just plain old entitled behavior ( and the complete inability to see how absurd it is that he left me, won't have physical contact with me and feels like I should always be open) or if his anger was a response to feeling rejected.
     Seems to me he doesn't want to be put in the position to have to ask for anything. This is one of the changes I have seen in him. Through most of our marriage, he was the person to apologize easily, see his part in things. Humility completely eludes him now and he has a hard time ever accepting responsibility for any faux pas . He seems to need to always be right. Then, if he doesn't like what is being said...he just goes to stonewalling. Other than that (ha-ha) he is charming and delightful! I feel like I am dealing with a 2 year old. Any feedback about what this is about? How to cope with it??

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Would you explain yourself to a two year old? You did fine. First of all, he chose to move out and live you by yourself. Now, just like a teenager that wants to come and stay while you do his laundry.

He wants to come and stay as a guest, then he behaves like a guest and gives you advanced warning. He wants to behave like a spouse then he can come and go as he pleases. As a guest, the advance notice allows you to buy food, make sure the home is clean, and gives you a sense of security by knowing when he will come. It has nothing to do with your wanting him to be in the home or not.

This is a boundary and a necessary boundary.

Don't let his tantrum throw you off. Regardless of the outcome, he needs to show you respect and coming and going at a whim is not respectful in the least.

[theheartknows]

Thank you Ready,
   My inclination is to try to fix it and make it all better as I don't like him to be mad at me. Through most of our marriage he has always been unconditionally accepting and it was shocking the first few times he spewed So, I guess I am learning to live with his anger (and not being perfect in his eyes) and he is learning to live with my boundaries. A growth process for both of us! I will see it in this positive light. thanks a million for your reply, my friend.