[calamity]

Can't you just be STILL?

Do I sense a little impatience? 

Did he ask YOU to come over?

Okay now I'm laughing--ok, ok, I get it.   

[calamity]

And thanks OP.

[xyzcf]

Each year we go through the same dilemma about the holidays. I have been in conversation with LearningIamok about the same issue.

What I wonder is why they wish to join us at all on these days? They may have rewritten history about everything else in our married life, but there are certain times when they are drawn to us, to memories perhaps of better times.

Is it fair? No, not all. But regardless of our marital status...we are still "family".

So many MLCers seem to break the ties with their children as well. Why do they do that? What are they hiding from? If they love their new lives so much, then share their enthusiasm and excitement with their kids. But they do not.

Our children are then torn between being supportive to the "good parent who has been done wrong by" and the "bad parent who caused all this heartbreak". No child should have to be placed in that situation regardless of their age.

Do we believe them to be in a crisis? If this was a physiological disorder, say they were in hospital or a long term care facility..what would we do with them over the holidays? Would we shut them out? Is it any different?

If we choose (for it is our choice now) to shut them totally out of our life..how will they ever feel that it is even possible to return?

I base this certainly not on any "success" that I have had in my own stitch but actually from my desire to treat those who deserve it the least with love, my belief in MLC and RCR's comments and discussions that I had with Stayed. Our MLCers continue to watch us. They see us growing and living and enjoying life....we see them looking older, angry, frustrated, withdrawn and broken.

Again, it must be what is the most comfortable for the LBSer and family when looking at these special times. By shutting the door on them, are we punishing them, are they not worthy of any of our love? Difficult questions and no real easy answers.

I don't see this as pursuit. I am also living with the situation where our daughter doesn't live close to either of us. I am in a better place now to understand that a visit with him and our daughter together at Christmas doesn't change anything about the end of our marriage. In some ways, MLC has taught me to live differently than I might once had done, I know what pain feels like and I think, that when they actually do start feeling pain (for I don't think they feel much in MLC) the depth of that pain is going to be intense. For those who reached out to me over and over again to comfort me, I am grateful. It is my turn to walk my talk and do the same...especially to those I would least like to.

[calamity]

I started to quote each paragraph & comment; then I realized I agreed with all your points & have asked myself all those questions.  That was an incredibly articulate & thoughtful response.  I think I am still very confused as to what is 'fixing' & what is just kindness in all aspects of this 'process'.  I think I understand that as long as he is in replay, I am paving the way & not much else.  But then paving the way is trying to affect him...

The process is frustrating. 

[FindingJoJo]

Great post XYZCF I don't think it is pursuit either.   I agree with all your points, and we all must do what we feel right.  One thing I am learning is how to be me without feeling dumb for being honest, kind, compassionate or other things.  I did tell H I would be up there for Thanksgiving and we were going to have family pictures and he was welcome to have some with the boys too.  We shall see if he still wants to by the end of November.  It is who I am though so we must all be who we are but better and happy.

[FindingJules]

I've got a question I'd like some insight on.  SO we are at month 8 (almost).  We've certainly had monster spew and re-writing history.  All of what I have experienced is pretty much "by the book".  I know there's OW and I know it's ridiculous.  We have kids 50/50.  It seems that when H has the kids, he tends to get more clear in his head (I am pretty sure he doesn't see OW with kids around since they are S13, D11, and S8 and he does NOT want anyone to know about affair - or think that anyone really does...hilarious really).  But, once they are with me he is NC and if there is contact, distant and short comments.  Really seems to make sense.

So, due to some changes in our schedules, he has had the kids for a decent stretch of time (5 days).  Within the last two weeks there have been A LOT of different things come up with the kids (behaviors at school, First Reconciliation meeting for S8, soccer games, volleyball games, parent/teacher conferences) so we have had to interact quite a bit.  Some has been good, some has been strained.  I was able to get a couple of truth darts in one of the strained times.  After that discussion with the truth darts, we have had a lot more "good" conversations.  So much that sometimes that makes it harder (HATE IT that I think that way!).  When we get along I get so excited that we are getting along and I just think - see, we can do this - and figure he is seeing the same thing....which then I react that way and get QUICKLY reminded that those are JUST MY thoughts....not  his.

But....these last 5 days...it's like he's not stopping the conversing about the kids.  I got 6 texts this morning (unusual amount for when we were happily married!) about them.  Then I've gotten 3 more emails.  They tend to cover one or two common issues, but really....I am NOT used to hearing so much from him.  I am ABSOLUTELY working to not have expectations....to be neutral...  What's causing this behavior from him?  More cycling?  Surely once I have them these next couple of days he'll go back to being NC or short answers....right??? 

I guess I should watch what I wish for....I KNOW he's got to take the time to get through this MLC....and 8 months is just a tip of the iceburg...I can't wish for him to be back now...he'd still be cycling and it would be awful all over again...right?

I think I know what I need to do - keep my expectations in check, let him go back to OW...let her sink her skanky hands into him again and do what she does best - telling him he can only do it with her and creating all of that doubt.  Then I will remain strong, let him go through the MLC process and a year from now I can think that he MIGHT be coming out of the tunnel....

Is that a good plan?

[Rollercoasterider]

I think I know what I need to do - keep my expectations in check, let him go back to OW...let her sink her skanky hands into him again and do what she does best - telling him he can only do it with her and creating all of that doubt.  Then I will remain strong, let him go through the MLC process and a year from now I can think that he MIGHT be coming out of the tunnel....
Is that a good plan?

Almost. But hold off on even thinking he MIGHT be coming out of the tunnel in a year. Could it happen, sure, but not lkely. Yeah, he'll b a year closer, but thinking like that is a bit too close to an expectation.

[ShineOn]

Why does this take so long?
I get that it's a process and it's probably lifelong crap that she is dealing with all at once.
but why does it have to take years?
Does it ever NOT take that long?

[OldPilot]

Why does this take so long?
I get that it's a process and it's probably lifelong crap that she is dealing with all at once.
but why does it have to take years?
Does it ever NOT take that long?

Did you ever see 12 year old kids become adult - FAST?

Same reasoning.

[Finding Hope]

Just wanted to chime in about the holidays.

I myself have decided not to go to my h's family's houses for the Holidays. I have not spoken to his mother since May and his step mother since July. I saw his father when my h had surgery and it was uncomfortable. The only time I would talk to them is if I called.

So, I have decided to have the holidays at home. I explained my reasoning to my h and told him whatever he decided to do was up to him. He has decided to go to his mothers house for Thanksgiving and Christmas is still up in the air. He did say that he understood.

My girls are going to stay with me, by their choice. But neither of them have decided about Christmas. I did tell him that wheather he did this intentionally or unintentionally, he has eliminated me from his family, he has done this.

If this is what my future looks like then he needs to see the consequences for his decisions. This is the only boundry that I have ever set. One Im going to follow through with. We are the white elephant in the room and it is uncomfortable for everyone, especially me and my girls.

Just my 0.02

FH