Author Topic: MLC Monster Types of Denials  (Read 26231 times)

Offline stayedTopic starter

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MLC Monster Types of Denials
« on: August 17, 2012, 12:52:37 PM »
Here is another amazing article by my anonymous provider.  This is wonderful Reference Material that every LBS should read over and over again.


Types of Denial

Denial of fact: This form of denial is where someone avoids a fact by lying. This lying can take the form of an outright falsehood (commission), leaving out certain details in order to tailor a story (omission), or by falsely agreeing to something (assent, also referred to as "yesing" behavior). Someone who is in denial of fact is typically using lies in order to avoid facts that they think may be potentially painful to themselves or others.

Denial of responsibility: This form of denial involves avoiding personal responsibility by blaming, minimizing or justifying. Blaming is a direct statement shifting culpability and may overlap with denial of fact. Minimizing is an attempt to make the effects or results of an action appear to be less harmful than they may actually be. Justifying is when someone takes a choice and attempts to make that choice look okay due to their perception of what is "right" in a situation. Someone using denial of responsibility is usually attempting to avoid potential harm or pain by shifting attention away from themselves.

Denial of impact: Denial of impact involves a person avoiding thinking about or understanding the harms their behavior have caused to themselves or others. By doing this, that person is able to avoid feeling a sense of guilt and it can prevent that person from developing remorse or empathy for others. Denial of impact reduces or eliminates a sense of pain or harm from poor decisions.

Denial of awareness: This type of denial is best discussed by looking at the concept of state dependent learning[2]. People using this type of denial will avoid pain and harm by stating they were in a different state of awareness (such as alcohol or drug intoxication or on occasion mental health related). This type of denial often overlaps with denial of responsibility.

Denial of cycle: Many who use this type of denial will say things such as, "it just happened." Denial of cycle is where a person avoids looking at their decisions leading up to an event or does not consider their pattern of decision making and how harmful behavior is repeated. The pain and harm being avoided by this type of denial is more of the effort needed to change the focus from a singular event to looking at preceding events. It can also serve as a way to blame or justify behavior (see above).

Denial of denial: This can be a difficult concept for many people to identify in themselves, but is a major barrier to changing hurtful behaviors. Denial of denial involves thoughts, actions and behaviors which bolster confidence that nothing needs to be changed in one's personal behavior. This form of denial typically overlaps with all of the other forms of denial, but involves more self-delusion.
Married 41yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

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Offline HeyJude

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #1 on: August 17, 2012, 03:14:33 PM »
Stayed..this is very very good...for them and for us! 30 months out, and i am so tempted to send to H to read ... once upon a time we would have read something like this together and discussed it..now if i sent it..maybe it would like pressure..or me being the 'therapist'  i remember he said once, some time ago..i was the one in denial (maybe i was on some level..very messed up..this sure takes time)..at the moment i get from him "yes i know i've messed up..yes i know this or that...that the grass isn't greener' ..or just generally avoids, maybe once again, until they truly wake up, out of tunnel or whatever, the denial fog is easier (i don't think so but i haven't had his crisis) than repairing...so what do you say when you hear these types to denial statements? blaming or justifying or whatever ...how do we respond? when we see them shifting responsibility or whatever...what are the words we can say that doesn't let them away with it or at least holds a mirror up to show them what they are doing?
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
Viktor E. Frankl

Offline calamity

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #2 on: August 17, 2012, 06:45:25 PM »
Thanks Stayed. 
Okay I can identify my h in all these definitions.  Now to find the courage to look at MYSELF. 
Maybe tomorrow. :) :-\

Offline toughtimes

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #3 on: August 17, 2012, 11:44:30 PM »
This is great thank you stayed. I recognise all in my H too and for me in the past too. Awareness is key and rather than self blame being aware that H is deluded and in denial.

Offline stayedTopic starter

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #4 on: August 18, 2012, 12:42:15 AM »
Hey Jude, I wouldn't be bothered sending this on to your h.  Quite frankly, they just don't see it.  Somebody sent the other article about Guilt vs Remorse to her spouse and of course he wrote back, saying he was obviously in total remorse  :o .  It seemed his wife didn't think so, hehehe!

Take what comfort you can from this.  Best of all, apply to yourself and open your mind.  This is a two way street, for sure and I think we all suffer from "a little denial"!

hugs Stayed
Married 41yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
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Offline Mermaid

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #5 on: August 19, 2012, 05:37:50 AM »
Great article, Stayed!!! My H uses various forms of denial, even now!

I agree; no use sending this on to our MLCer. It's useful for us to realise what they are doing (we are not mad). These denials are defence mechanisms, how they protect themselves psychologically from the guilt of whatever they are doing.

The best thing we can do, apart from focussing on our own lives, is to give them little truth darts every now and then. The smaller truth darts work better with someone in denial. Big issues are too overwhelming, and send them back through the same process of denial.

Sorry to hijack your post Mermaid but think this link to more defence mechanisms is useful, the more we understand what's happening the less we get sucked in

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/15-common-defense-mechanisms/all/1/ 


« Last Edit: August 19, 2012, 06:53:18 AM by Millvina »
Forgiveness: To give up resentment against; stop being angry with; pardon; give up all claim to punish; overlook; cancel a debt.

Offline stayedTopic starter

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #6 on: August 19, 2012, 01:48:31 PM »
I agree Mermaid! Crazy stuff this is.

hugs Stayed
Married 41yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
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The Mentor Program
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Offline FindingJoJo

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #7 on: August 19, 2012, 03:21:04 PM »
Great article Stayed - the hardest part for me was realizing just how much it applies to both of us, especially in the years leading up to this.  I have recognized denials that I am changing which is a good thing as well as those I need to work on.  I can't change how my H acts but it is good to recognize his different forms of denials, adds to more understanding.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6740.0

Time is on our side, use it to thrive not just survive.
:)
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind...  Romans 12:2
M 44
H 36
M 13
T 15
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Offline underpressure

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #8 on: August 20, 2012, 10:21:06 AM »
I've been thinking about something: When I quit smoking, my H felt like I was forcing him, tried to quit himself, then took it up again. Finally did it a year or so later...but put the whole thing on me: I forced, I hindered, I led.
Then the same with weightloss. I started a low-carb diet and excercise and he copied me...but goes off and on with it. He was successful, and considers himself low-carb, but it's like if I hadn't done it he wouldnt have.

So much of his behavior seems to be somehow fitting into the denial thing, but how? Denial of responsibility? Is this co-dependency? Not sure...but I notice he seems very dependent on me right now for everything even though he is living in his man-cave and supposedly "independent". I feel this somehow relates to Denial in a big way, but haven't sorted that out yet.
previous name: nopressure
together since 1999. dp since 2002, m since 2005
H filed for divorce 11/2011. H withdrew the divorce petition and closed the case 7/2012. Limbo and "dating" H for 6 years. H filed for divorce 2/2017. H is currently in Major Depression and is non-responsive.

Offline FindingJoJo

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #9 on: August 21, 2012, 08:02:49 PM »
Is this co-dependency? Not sure...but I notice he seems very dependent on me right now for everything even though he is living in his man-cave and supposedly "independent". I feel this somehow relates to Denial in a big way, but haven't sorted that out yet.

I think it is major co-dependency combined with denial.  Mine is suppose to be independent to, he is also concerned about our financial situation but he fails to rise above his situation.  He lectures me all the while with his handout.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6740.0

Time is on our side, use it to thrive not just survive.
:)
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind...  Romans 12:2
M 44
H 36
M 13
T 15
BD #1 October 10, 2011 ILBNILWY speech
BD #2 May 2, 2012

Offline OceanLady

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #10 on: August 22, 2012, 09:57:18 PM »
Hello Stayed,  This is very good info about denial.  I have found that what we think of as denial is really/may be manipulative excuses from an aggressive personality type (Monster?, the Narcisist?), at least I realized (not spelled "realised") that my H is this type of person.  I found the book "In Sheep's Clothing" by George Simon Jr. PhD extremely informative about manipulative people, to explain how my life has been with H for up to 19.5 years--my whole life with H.  I learned so much and how to stop the manipulation by H  that I think I was in denial of how MY life was.  I always knew that something was wrong but I didn't know what--I do now--on top of the MLC business.  It has been an eye opening read for me and it is somewhat depressing to finally have these questions answered.  Whenever you have an exchange with this type of personality, you come away from it feeling bewildered and frustrated--and they do it on purpose.  When you are feeling bewildered after a conversation, you have been manipulated. ??? ???

I never understood why my H would not take responsibility for breaking a favorite chinese dish of mine 19 years ago that he accidentaly broke while washing the dishes.  He said it was not his fault.  Was he in denial or minimizing his responsibility with manipulation??  I think the later is true.  I said: How can it be my resp. when my hands we not even near the dish??  He went with me to try and replace the dish but he would not pay the $15 to do so.  I could never understand that behavior.  I do now.  He could not and probably never will be able to admit to any type of human mistake that he made so how can he ever show remorse for what he has done with the OW.  Maybe he is in denial that he is simply human but I think he has a serious personality disorder as do many others here in MLC.  Who knows??  Monster has been very very bad for 2 years but does not fully explain everything that he has done thru the divorce procedings and other various hic-cups that have turned into huge and expensive problems for me.  My Monster eats GIANT sized Monster meals--as one other thread headlines.

Just my opinions here on denials.  Hope I didn't hijack your thread too badly.
OceanLady
Me 59
H   57
S15, now S20, came home end of 6/15.
M   6/1994 (only marriage)
BD1 12/08 He told me to leave the house for no reason.  I did not leave my house or family.
BD2 3/10 he asked for a D
BD3 4/10 H filed for the D
BD4 5/10 H flew 1400 miles to see OW
BD5 6/10 he walked out w/OW in  tow
Divorce final Feb. 2013

Offline stayedTopic starter

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #11 on: August 23, 2012, 02:28:53 AM »
Thanks Winnifred34.  No hijack in my opinion.  Very interesting and pertanent to the topic. I really must read that book.  My h has "great" difficulty admitting he made a mistake too, although, he is much better then he was. 

hugs Stayed
Married 41yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
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Offline toughtimes

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #12 on: August 27, 2012, 12:52:14 AM »
Wow, findingjojo, your H sounds like mine just from the sentence you wrote! Independent but in denial about his responsibility to sort himself out financially, telling me how lucky I am he is paying me more than he legally needs to whilst spending money on holidays, presents for kids every week and presents/hotels, meals out, entertaining his new girlfriend!
winnifred34 that book sounds good, I think I will read it too.

TT

Offline Niek

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #13 on: August 29, 2012, 09:29:52 AM »
I wonder how we have to deal with someone who is in denial. This is the most difficult part for me at the moment. H comes home is talking about our daughter who has ADD and can be sometimes very very angry, I suspect she has Borderline as well but she was never diagnosed. Yesterday he said that he was amazed that there can be so much anger in such a little girl. OMG, he has been Monster Monster Monster for about more than a year. How do I react????? I don't but I would have loved to say something about the Monster periods. This conversation went on and him saying constantly things about other people which in fact could be just about him. It looks like he has forgotten about all the hurtful things he did to us. I became more and more silent cause didn't know what to say anymore.
Afterwards he asked me what was the matter with me and I told him he was hurting me. Later one he texted me: I never had the intention of hurting you, on the contrary. If I did I am sorry for that. Said the man who just told me 3 weeks ago he didn't want anymore a life with me and the girls. No, that is a great compliment.

Does this state of denial ever goes way???? It is crazy making talking to someone who cannot see what he has done. It looks like he is perfectly fine with the situation as it is at the moment. Although he doesn't look very happy, I don't see much of the depression anymore. Don't think like that you will ever go rock bottom.

Offline underpressure

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #14 on: August 29, 2012, 09:54:40 AM »
Niek, I know just what you mean. H wanted me to come by for a small get together among old friends visiting from out of town. One is divorced and has a child. Another has just left his wife, and has a girlfriend 20 years younger than him. H is sitting there in his man-cave with them where he brought OW for 2 months and says "I guess I am the only one in the room who is not having a Midlife Crisis".  I said very calmly "No, you are the most delusional person in the room" and got a few laughs.

Of course I wasn't trying to be funny. But my timing was very good.

Earlier when I told him I was uncertain about coming over and it was causing me anxiety, especially since the last time I went over there for a "party" (family get together) he spent the entire time texting his OW. I said that i was afraid he would hurt me like he did then. He said "You only hurt yourself".

is that true? I hurt myself when he had an affair? Talk about crazy-making!
previous name: nopressure
together since 1999. dp since 2002, m since 2005
H filed for divorce 11/2011. H withdrew the divorce petition and closed the case 7/2012. Limbo and "dating" H for 6 years. H filed for divorce 2/2017. H is currently in Major Depression and is non-responsive.

Offline OceanLady

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #15 on: September 20, 2012, 07:13:33 PM »
Stayed, toughtimes, Niek, Underpressure,

I was Winnifred34 but now I am OceanLady.  I changed my name a few days ago and I also joined the alt the same day.

Green-Eyed Lady, Ocean Lady  ;D ;D
Soothing every raging wave that comes  (Song by Sugarloaf)
OceanLady
Me 59
H   57
S15, now S20, came home end of 6/15.
M   6/1994 (only marriage)
BD1 12/08 He told me to leave the house for no reason.  I did not leave my house or family.
BD2 3/10 he asked for a D
BD3 4/10 H filed for the D
BD4 5/10 H flew 1400 miles to see OW
BD5 6/10 he walked out w/OW in  tow
Divorce final Feb. 2013

Offline underpressure

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #16 on: September 20, 2012, 09:30:24 PM »
I joined too OceanLady, see you for chat!
previous name: nopressure
together since 1999. dp since 2002, m since 2005
H filed for divorce 11/2011. H withdrew the divorce petition and closed the case 7/2012. Limbo and "dating" H for 6 years. H filed for divorce 2/2017. H is currently in Major Depression and is non-responsive.

Offline FindingJules

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #17 on: October 19, 2012, 04:54:16 PM »
Quote
Does this state of denial ever goes way? It is crazy making talking to someone who cannot see what he has done. It looks like he is perfectly fine with the situation as it is at the moment. Although he doesn't look very happy, I don't see much of the depression anymore. Don't think like that you will ever go rock bottom.

OMG...I have to find more of your posts....I almost just quoted your whole post.  This is EXACTLY where I am with my H!  My H  has moved out...which I have often thought makes this maybe a little more bearable because I would EXPLODE like a staked vampire if I had to 24/7 put up with his denial and other BS.  But yes, our son who has Asperger's has also had Monster moments (just yesterday...) and while S13 can sort through when HE'S been a Monster and has remorse for his actions....39 year old H has his head up his arse!!!  MIND BOGGLING!!!  And then I'm the one that feels crazy!

Oh, I am so happy (well, for lack of a better word) to find another in my position...I'm going to "stalk" you now to find out how you are keeping your cool...I know I want to but I lose it from time to time.  Thank you for posting.
H - 40
M - 41
Married - 17 yrs
Together - 20 years
Divorced - May 2013
S - 14
D - 13
S - 9
BD - 3/11/12
Filed 7/18/12

Offline HurtSoul

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #18 on: May 07, 2013, 11:54:38 AM »
Why insist on control...then mAnage to muck it up
Trying to survive...MCLer word of the day MOTORCYCLE

Offline Duthla

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #19 on: May 07, 2013, 12:00:24 PM »
 I said that i was afraid he would hurt me like he did then. He said "You only hurt yourself".

When I get angry at my H for bringing OW to the house when he picks up/drops off our S, H says "Well, you go looking for it!" Meaning that because I happen to see OW in the car, it is somehow MY problem that I'm upset about it!  :o
Freaking "script" again huh?

Offline Faithfully Yours

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #20 on: May 14, 2013, 03:04:41 PM »
Denial of fact: This form of denial is where someone avoids a fact by lying. This lying can take the form of an outright falsehood (commission), leaving out certain details in order to tailor a story (omission), or by falsely agreeing to something (assent, also referred to as "yesing" behavior). Someone who is in denial of fact is typically using lies in order to avoid facts that they think may be potentially painful to themselves or others.

Denial of responsibility: This form of denial involves avoiding personal responsibility by blaming, minimizing or justifying. Blaming is a direct statement shifting culpability and may overlap with denial of fact. Minimizing is an attempt to make the effects or results of an action appear to be less harmful than they may actually be. Justifying is when someone takes a choice and attempts to make that choice look okay due to their perception of what is "right" in a situation. Someone using denial of responsibility is usually attempting to avoid potential harm or pain by shifting attention away from themselves.

Denial of impact: Denial of impact involves a person avoiding thinking about or understanding the harms their behavior have caused to themselves or others. By doing this, that person is able to avoid feeling a sense of guilt and it can prevent that person from developing remorse or empathy for others. Denial of impact reduces or eliminates a sense of pain or harm from poor decisions.

Denial of cycle: Many who use this type of denial will say things such as, "it just happened." Denial of cycle is where a person avoids looking at their decisions leading up to an event or does not consider their pattern of decision making and how harmful behavior is repeated. The pain and harm being avoided by this type of denial is more of the effort needed to change the focus from a singular event to looking at preceding events. It can also serve as a way to blame or justify behavior.

Wow! I really don't know why I haven't looked at this thread before today, but I am so glad I did. All 4 of those denial types are my H. It also explains why he can't/won't make eye contact with me. I feel a lot better having read this article. Thank you Stayed and yes I saw several I have exhibited and need to work on. I am enjoying working on the areas that I need to improve upon. I know I am going to be a much better person in the long run.
Faithfully Yours :)

"Sometimes we must give up the life we planned for the life that is waiting for us". ~Joseph Campbell~

Offline DevastatedWife

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #21 on: September 20, 2013, 02:27:27 AM »
Wow!  Very insightful article.  My H has exhibited most stages of denial.  Very interesting ready and gives me some relief in knowing that I was not the crazy one, but he was sure making me feel that way!
Me: 44  Him: 51
M: 9 yrs
T: 15 yrs
No Children
OW is Married with 2 children
Moved out on 9/17/2013
Moved into Apartment on 10/12/2013
"Unsure of where we fit"
“True love is tested when betrayed.”

Offline Rayman

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #22 on: January 28, 2014, 09:36:20 AM »
My W has displayed all of these denials.  Thanks, very insightful!

Offline Harley

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #23 on: January 31, 2014, 12:04:58 PM »
Time is on our side, use it to thrive not just survive.

I like this quote.
My H and I are codependent. I organised entire household, financial, cooking, washing etc. he just provides part of our income that we live off.

He is cake eating which peeves me but I'm getting better at not peeking at phone record and he has also used all those forms of denial.

Offline Sadmoose

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #24 on: February 01, 2014, 07:37:12 PM »
Great article, Stayed!!! My H uses various forms of denial, even now!

The best thing we can do, apart from focussing on our own lives, is to give them little truth darts every now and then. The smaller truth darts work better with someone in denial. Big issues are too overwhelming, and send them back through the same process of denial.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/15-common-defense-mechanisms/all/1/

this is something that I have been thinking about. When a friend of mine was psychotic, the counselor said that you could not let somebody continue to believe in their own delusions, but you must address them. Yet I have read so many places with move not to do this ....

Offline God's child

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #25 on: April 07, 2014, 12:09:18 PM »
Stayewd this is good as I see my exH in various denials but I believe wholeheartedly he is Denial of Denials.  He thinks he was justified in have an affair and that the OW will make him the man he always wanted to be. But little does she know she cant change him at all!! ;) Only GOD can change us all!!

W-52
exH-58
m-24 years
BD 10/12/13
D-12/23/13
D 24,21,19
He is coming back to me!!
M-52
H-58
D24,21,19
BD-Oct 2013
D final 12/2013
Married OW
He loves me and misses me...sure
Vision is not seeing things as they are but as they will be
There is nothing that I can say or do to hurt him, I will have to wait for life to do the job for me

Offline Blindsided again

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #26 on: August 25, 2014, 06:34:21 PM »
Wow...thank you stayed, just read this....all fit my H!! Especially in this crazy MLC life. I wish I read this sooner.

Offline Strongwind

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #27 on: August 26, 2014, 12:45:53 AM »
Stayed this was a good post. Denial is something so peculiar because the reality is there starring in the face yet the justification make reality non existent to the MLcer. I did it myself when I was having my MLC. However, I really believed I had very good reasons for what I was doing and I actually still feel that way. My first marriage was a train wreck. My ex had bipolar disorder and I had gone through a lot with him. It was a rollercoaster financially and emotionally with him. He lied just about everything all the time, even my son was surprised at how long I had stayed. 

Perhaps Mlcer now is at the same point I was with xH? Only difference is that I'm not suffering from a bipolar disorder. I still wouldn't reconcile with ex. I see more empathy and more understanding coming from him but he just as unstable.

I've been wondering what a stander could do to effect a  return if the Mlcer is not keeping contact and there is no contact with the stander? I was always in contact with ex even while we were both married so I was able to witness changes or no changed in ex. I feel that is important to make the type of changes in ourselves to effect a 180. Wouldn't that mean changing those traits that were some of the things that Mlcer says where the causes of the marriage's demise? How do we know what those things were if the Mlcer doesn't really have contact with us and doesn't voice things honestly? They loved us once. Do we need to recapture that same person? They are not the same, we are not the same. Everything changed forever after BD. They know it and we know it..I'm not sure if my post makes any sense but I wanted put this out there as I've been thinking a lot about this Thank you. ((hugs)) SW  :-*
"Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that afterward we see ourselves as we really are, and not merely as we might like to be."
Arthur Golden

Offline Trusting in Goodness and God

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #28 on: December 07, 2014, 04:59:34 PM »
Great post, Stayed!  My husband does ALL of those things.  His little twist is his idea that when he does something wrong, and the victim says something about it, somehow magically they become the bad guy and he becomes the tortured victim.
« Last Edit: December 07, 2014, 05:07:55 PM by Going Crazy »

Offline MIMIx

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #29 on: February 04, 2015, 04:14:43 AM »
Denial of Responsibility

This is the type of denial my h has used in our marriage.  When he begins to feel embarrassment, put on the spot,  he ducks and deflects blame onto me....every single time.  He will go to all lengths to avoid the shame of taking responsibility.  He also denies that he does this.

 I throw my hands in the air.

Offline Blondie

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #30 on: February 04, 2015, 06:16:25 AM »
My H never takes the blame for anything, he is never guilty, never 'owns' the situation. He is never wrong about anything! Reading through it sounds like we are all married to the same person, lol!  :)
Together 23 years, Married 18 years at BD
M 49, H 49
D17
D14
1st BD April 2014 (EA probably PA) left OW May 2014, came back home June 2014, 2nd BD August 2014. Lived with OW1 for 2 years, now with OW2 (half his age).

Offline toomanytearss

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #31 on: February 04, 2015, 08:34:49 AM »
Blondie and MIMIx mine is the same.  Mine is never wrong also because he never owns anything. 

Everything was my fault because h never made decisions about anything.  Always looked to me to handle everything and then if something went wrong he would be in the clear. 

No more of that.  I make decisions for myself and d16 and our life together.  H is having some difficulty now because I don't interfere or make any decisions regarding him.  I leave it to him.  Kind of funny to watch the trouble he gets himself into. 

Last night h said to me, "I'm taking d16 for her tattoo on Friday. Why didn't you stop me from promising her that?  That was so stupid of me."  I just smiled.  I felt like saying, when will you stop trying to buy your daughter back and actually do the work and then you wouldn't be in this situation.  But I kept my mouth zipped. 
BD Feb 2014
DONE

Offline Pixiegirl

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #32 on: February 06, 2015, 08:42:28 AM »
Certainly a reality check! I needed to read this again today.

H has excuses for everything. I always made all the decision too. Now I no longer do that and have left him to figure out his own life and his own mess. He continues to say if I would help him he could get things done faster and move back to town. NOPE. I'm not helping. I'm not fixing a mess I didn't create. I'm not cleaning up anything.

He can deny all he wants. It's still going to stare him right in the face until he deals with it.

Offline HopeFaithLove

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #33 on: February 13, 2015, 08:18:59 PM »
There must be a pattern here, because I made all the decisions too. He was always the fun one. Always avoiding conflict.  Also I had to always deal with the crap. If there was a problem with a teacher at school. I had to go in and talk to them. He won't even take things back to the store that don't work right, he would rather just lose out on the money. When the insurance company refused to fix our hail damaged roof, he ended up agreeing with the guy. You're right not to help him Pixie, if he wants to be on his own, then he needs to be a big boy and take care of himself.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Cor 13:13

Offline riverbirch

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #34 on: March 11, 2015, 05:27:58 AM »
Still all of these included.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet

Offline UKStander

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #35 on: April 29, 2015, 12:06:32 PM »
A very eye-opening list.  My H goes to at least 3rd on the list... Which means there's a heck of a lot of work to be done, a lot of realisations to dawn. It makes you realise WHY rock bottom is necessary for some.  Rock bottom and outside guidance from a professional. It's the only way out. I don't think my H will simmer gently in this soup of denial for years because he's too highly strung. He's going to snap one day and that why, bizarrely, rock bottom is my best hope IF I decide I want to reconcile.
BD June 2011
Affair discovered; three moves out and three attempts at return during 2012, culminating in "I'm not coming back" statement. Then DIY separation agreement - Feb 14 - which I wouldn't sign. He moved in with OW in 10/14 and I heard little more. I instigated D in 2016.  He's still living in rental with OW and her D but the cracks are starting to appear.

 

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