Author Topic: MLC Monster Types of Denials  (Read 25820 times)

Offline stayedTopic starter

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MLC Monster Types of Denials
« on: August 17, 2012, 12:52:37 PM »
Here is another amazing article by my anonymous provider.  This is wonderful Reference Material that every LBS should read over and over again.


Types of Denial

Denial of fact: This form of denial is where someone avoids a fact by lying. This lying can take the form of an outright falsehood (commission), leaving out certain details in order to tailor a story (omission), or by falsely agreeing to something (assent, also referred to as "yesing" behavior). Someone who is in denial of fact is typically using lies in order to avoid facts that they think may be potentially painful to themselves or others.

Denial of responsibility: This form of denial involves avoiding personal responsibility by blaming, minimizing or justifying. Blaming is a direct statement shifting culpability and may overlap with denial of fact. Minimizing is an attempt to make the effects or results of an action appear to be less harmful than they may actually be. Justifying is when someone takes a choice and attempts to make that choice look okay due to their perception of what is "right" in a situation. Someone using denial of responsibility is usually attempting to avoid potential harm or pain by shifting attention away from themselves.

Denial of impact: Denial of impact involves a person avoiding thinking about or understanding the harms their behavior have caused to themselves or others. By doing this, that person is able to avoid feeling a sense of guilt and it can prevent that person from developing remorse or empathy for others. Denial of impact reduces or eliminates a sense of pain or harm from poor decisions.

Denial of awareness: This type of denial is best discussed by looking at the concept of state dependent learning[2]. People using this type of denial will avoid pain and harm by stating they were in a different state of awareness (such as alcohol or drug intoxication or on occasion mental health related). This type of denial often overlaps with denial of responsibility.

Denial of cycle: Many who use this type of denial will say things such as, "it just happened." Denial of cycle is where a person avoids looking at their decisions leading up to an event or does not consider their pattern of decision making and how harmful behavior is repeated. The pain and harm being avoided by this type of denial is more of the effort needed to change the focus from a singular event to looking at preceding events. It can also serve as a way to blame or justify behavior (see above).

Denial of denial: This can be a difficult concept for many people to identify in themselves, but is a major barrier to changing hurtful behaviors. Denial of denial involves thoughts, actions and behaviors which bolster confidence that nothing needs to be changed in one's personal behavior. This form of denial typically overlaps with all of the other forms of denial, but involves more self-delusion.
Married 39yrs.
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Offline HeyJude

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #1 on: August 17, 2012, 03:14:33 PM »
Stayed..this is very very good...for them and for us! 30 months out, and i am so tempted to send to H to read ... once upon a time we would have read something like this together and discussed it..now if i sent it..maybe it would like pressure..or me being the 'therapist'  i remember he said once, some time ago..i was the one in denial (maybe i was on some level..very messed up..this sure takes time)..at the moment i get from him "yes i know i've messed up..yes i know this or that...that the grass isn't greener' ..or just generally avoids, maybe once again, until they truly wake up, out of tunnel or whatever, the denial fog is easier (i don't think so but i haven't had his crisis) than repairing...so what do you say when you hear these types to denial statements? blaming or justifying or whatever ...how do we respond? when we see them shifting responsibility or whatever...what are the words we can say that doesn't let them away with it or at least holds a mirror up to show them what they are doing?
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
Viktor E. Frankl

Offline calamity

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #2 on: August 17, 2012, 06:45:25 PM »
Thanks Stayed. 
Okay I can identify my h in all these definitions.  Now to find the courage to look at MYSELF. 
Maybe tomorrow. :) :-\

Offline toughtimes

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #3 on: August 17, 2012, 11:44:30 PM »
This is great thank you stayed. I recognise all in my H too and for me in the past too. Awareness is key and rather than self blame being aware that H is deluded and in denial.

Offline stayedTopic starter

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #4 on: August 18, 2012, 12:42:15 AM »
Hey Jude, I wouldn't be bothered sending this on to your h.  Quite frankly, they just don't see it.  Somebody sent the other article about Guilt vs Remorse to her spouse and of course he wrote back, saying he was obviously in total remorse  :o .  It seemed his wife didn't think so, hehehe!

Take what comfort you can from this.  Best of all, apply to yourself and open your mind.  This is a two way street, for sure and I think we all suffer from "a little denial"!

hugs Stayed
Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
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Offline Mermaid

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #5 on: August 19, 2012, 05:37:50 AM »
Great article, Stayed!!! My H uses various forms of denial, even now!

I agree; no use sending this on to our MLCer. It's useful for us to realise what they are doing (we are not mad). These denials are defence mechanisms, how they protect themselves psychologically from the guilt of whatever they are doing.

The best thing we can do, apart from focussing on our own lives, is to give them little truth darts every now and then. The smaller truth darts work better with someone in denial. Big issues are too overwhelming, and send them back through the same process of denial.

Sorry to hijack your post Mermaid but think this link to more defence mechanisms is useful, the more we understand what's happening the less we get sucked in

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/15-common-defense-mechanisms/all/1/ 


« Last Edit: August 19, 2012, 06:53:18 AM by Millvina »
Forgiveness: To give up resentment against; stop being angry with; pardon; give up all claim to punish; overlook; cancel a debt.

Offline stayedTopic starter

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #6 on: August 19, 2012, 01:48:31 PM »
I agree Mermaid! Crazy stuff this is.

hugs Stayed
Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
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The Mentor Program
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Offline FindingJoJo

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #7 on: August 19, 2012, 03:21:04 PM »
Great article Stayed - the hardest part for me was realizing just how much it applies to both of us, especially in the years leading up to this.  I have recognized denials that I am changing which is a good thing as well as those I need to work on.  I can't change how my H acts but it is good to recognize his different forms of denials, adds to more understanding.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6740.0

Time is on our side, use it to thrive not just survive.
:)
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind...  Romans 12:2
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Offline underpressure

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #8 on: August 20, 2012, 10:21:06 AM »
I've been thinking about something: When I quit smoking, my H felt like I was forcing him, tried to quit himself, then took it up again. Finally did it a year or so later...but put the whole thing on me: I forced, I hindered, I led.
Then the same with weightloss. I started a low-carb diet and excercise and he copied me...but goes off and on with it. He was successful, and considers himself low-carb, but it's like if I hadn't done it he wouldnt have.

So much of his behavior seems to be somehow fitting into the denial thing, but how? Denial of responsibility? Is this co-dependency? Not sure...but I notice he seems very dependent on me right now for everything even though he is living in his man-cave and supposedly "independent". I feel this somehow relates to Denial in a big way, but haven't sorted that out yet.
previous name: nopressure
together since 1999. dp since 2002, m since 2005
H filed for divorce 11/2011. H withdrew the divorce petition and closed the case 7/2012. Limbo and "dating" H for 6 years. H filed for divorce 2/2017. H is currently in Major Depression and is non-responsive.

Offline FindingJoJo

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Re: Types of Denials
« Reply #9 on: August 21, 2012, 08:02:49 PM »
Is this co-dependency? Not sure...but I notice he seems very dependent on me right now for everything even though he is living in his man-cave and supposedly "independent". I feel this somehow relates to Denial in a big way, but haven't sorted that out yet.

I think it is major co-dependency combined with denial.  Mine is suppose to be independent to, he is also concerned about our financial situation but he fails to rise above his situation.  He lectures me all the while with his handout.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6740.0

Time is on our side, use it to thrive not just survive.
:)
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind...  Romans 12:2
M 44
H 36
M 13
T 15
BD #1 October 10, 2011 ILBNILWY speech
BD #2 May 2, 2012

 

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