[calamity]

I agree w. SassyOne:  ...I also believe that this feeling came about when I was able to see that this was about him and he was in a true emotional and identity crisis...

Yes without a doubt I love my h unconditionally & on some level I knew that from BD.

[Mermaid]

Yes, we can. That is not the same as be able to trust them again, want them back or reconcile the marriage.

What does it mean to love them unconditionally? To want the best for them? To want them to be happy? Does this love involve any action on our part (and if it doesn't, can it be called love?)

Last night I was thinking about love. H came home exhausted after his first day back at work after the holidays. I looked after him. Deep down, I am still hurt at his actions, especially his refusal to admit what he has done, to see OW for what she is, and for supporting her to my detriment.

Yes, I love H. I like him, I care for him. But sometimes I think I am no longer "in love" with him. Ironic, isn't it?

[LoveMeMyself]

Mermaid,

   Reading your post makes me think.  I also wonder now if I will ever feel the "in love" towards my exH.  I know for a fact, with all my heart.......I love him unconditionally.  I have asked myself over and over if I can truly feel the "in love" once again.  It seems a little messed up and kind of crazy.  How can one have "unconditional" love but yet not know/feel the "in love".  Seems like a catch 22......doesn't it?  I just tell myself that only time will tell.........there's that word again.......TIME!  Your thoughts/questions really get me thinking.  Maybe we shouldn't think so much.......just let whatever happens........happen.  It will be as it is meant to be.

(((HUGS)))

[calamity]

What we have lost in all this mess is a realistic view of marriage.  In a normal marriage each partner likes & dislikes, loves & hates things about the other.  Of course you love each other but after the 1st few years you do not feel that intense emotion [lust, sex, whatever] & yeah, sometimes you feel in love with your partner, sometimes you don't.  So, would I feel in love with my husband again?  Yes occasionally...
Unconditional love is what you feel even tho your partner is behaving really, really badly.  I think that this type of love will fade in time if the behaviour continues.

[In this for ME]

Unconditional love is what you feel even tho your partner is behaving really, really badly.  I think that this type of love will fade in time if the behaviour continues.

I agree wholeheartedly. Continuing to love someone due to bad behavior is enabeling.

Enabeling is not letting the person recieve the correct punishment for thier bad behavior.

Our boundaries are important to keep the person from throwing thier bad behavior over on us.

[superdog]

I don't know if i do right now in my interpretation of what it means.

I read somewhere that it means in partnership to allow and assist growth selflessly in another through complete freedom to do so. But freedom to live conditionally, eg: behave in moral ways, be respectful etc.

Yes, love is a feeling an action etc, but i interpret it more as a feeling. I do love my h but also agree that love would fade with his continued bad behaviour ad lack of remorse. I think that is where our unconditional love for ourselves comes in.

I compare the word unconditional with that love we have for the kids, it's not the same and never will be.How many parents have ever said I don't love Johnny anymore because he comitted murder and was sent to prison, and actually meant it deep down??

I think that very few lbs's can say after a period of time that they are still "in love" with their h. That's the bit that takes input and work. I know I am not in love with him and can't imagine what it would take to make me ever feel that way again. Actions unknown and the hero's spouse mantra of TIME.

So i don't think i love him without condition of some sort, but rather i have deep love feelings for him.

SD
xx

[JAG]

I am 29 and it would be so easy to throw in the towel and say...I am done...onto another man who will not only treat me with kindness and respect, but who will actually be there for my kids! But, I choose not to do this.  Why? Because even though I have only been married 5 years I took a vow five years ago and that was not a vow that I looked upon lightly.  It isn't the piece of paper that makes me love my H unconditionally....it is a feeling....it is a belief that a H is forever.  He is not only my H but the father of the only two people I would give my life to.  Before, I would have given my life for H too....right now I wouldn't because if I were gone....my kids would have no one.  It is a different love....but the end result is the same...unconditional love.  I would never turn my back on my kids and I will not turn my back on my H.  With that said, my stand is not a certainty that I will stay married to him or that I will be in love with him....what my stand is saying is that I gave my heart to one man and he has broken it....and only he can one day repair it and give it back to me...finding someone else would mean given them a broken heart that could only be repaired by one man!  His words and actions have hurt me and broken my soul....time may help me rebuild it....because I know he will never be able to....he is gone and I am 100% sure he isn't coming back....and yet....at 29, that does not change my stand.  I know he did not leave me for OW and I not he didn't leave me because of me....he left because of him....never to return....but I guess that is unconditional love...which is different from being "in love"...

[Stronger]

I think I should have loved my H unconditionally more to begin with not really believing he was an alcoholic . I always thought he could control it when in fact he couldn't and I let this overshadow all the really good things he did do for me.He is a functional alcoholic and we did have many good times drinking together .But as MLC set in which was unbeknown to me he expected me to some how make him happy and I always felt pressure and walked on eggshells.Then the negativity,anger I also blamed on his drinking which did contribute to the depression.I also question if I too was " in love" with him due to his foolish behavior and negativity . When I had those thoughts I would think about what if something happened to him how would I feel, it was then I couldn't imagine my world without him.He said I wanted to control him and he was probably right... I wanted him to grow up.
When I have seen him since BD and his immature drunken behavior I feel pity for him. I feel ashamed for him not of him.At time pre Bd I was ashamed of him and felt his behavior was a reflection on me.
I would like to think I could have unconditional love for him and I pray to God every night asking he give that gift to me and my H.I have had  time to do some mirror work I should have loved him unconditionally before his MLC.

[Catching Fire]

For a year before my W left I prayed to Hod to teach me to love my W unselfishly and forgive me for all my failings. Now she is gone and divorcing me. I still love and care for her despite the pain she is causing me, despite the lies, cruelty, etc. Granted I understand her more being I went through a period of MLC or MLT and wonder if I would be so forgiving if I had not. None the less, this love I have, I am learning to extend to everyone. Especially people who are mean for don't they need it the most? Remember Christ words, what does it profit you to love those who love you. Yes I believe we can love unconditionally but still discern good from bad actions and separate the real person from the "sins".

[Finding Hope]

Great topic,

I use to love him unconditionally. Now I don't know. I had never ever questioned that before then I never thought that he would do to me what he has, is. 

Do I love him yes, although I have been questioning in what way. Have I just been in love with him for so long, that I don't know any difference, do I love him because we have children together. Do I love him from what I remember it was. Is it a different love. One that can withstand this journey through MLC?

Love is something that needs to be nurtured, taking care of. I was told that the love stays. Thats its just hidden. I hope that this is true.

The real question is can I ever really feel safe that if he come through this and wants our marriage, that this wont happen to me again. I couldnt do it again. Its just too painful.

FH

I don't trust him and I don't know if he will ever come out of this and want me. I want to trust him but will never give it blindly again.