[Returned]

Since bomb drop 9 months ago...he told me he never wanted to see me again, and then said I could ML to him if I wanted to...crazy huh? I thought he was out of his mind, but I guess I thought somehow maybe it would change his mind so I did. Hard to imagine how he could perform under that circumstance....

[hobo1]

Riv-
I understand your question.  In any 'regular marriage', if there was no intimacy, it is not normal.  If someone were to ask you if you wanted to marry a woman who will never have sex with you...  what would your answer be?

It's been 20 mos. of no intimacy with ex, since immediately after BD, as a matter of fact, it is her not wanting to be intimate that gave me the inkling that there may be a problem.  At first I thought it was a problem with sex.

Intimacy is important to me, if someone said to me - your soon to be bride will have sex with you for 14 years but then not have sex with you ever again, will you still want to marry her? ....  my answer would be no thank you.

I too still found my ex to be attractive, and still sleeping on the same bed with her, but not being able to be intimate or even touch her was very difficult.... which contributed to my decision to move out.

It is not an unhealthy focus.  It's a basic human need.

Again, I think that my ex has divorced me quickly to be merciful.  I know that a live at home MLCer is so very difficult, and cruel.

My best to you Riv.  We should set up another meetup soon.

[limitless]

After BD and two days before he ran away from home.....(didn't know that he was about to leave, by the way).

That was 2 years ago - August 13th.....(he left on the 15th).

Hey!  It was Friday the 13th!  I never noticed that, until now.

limitless

(Isn't this a site of sex starved people?)

[kappy]

6 days ago - he moved out last night for the second time.  He had moved to his mom's for 11 months and returned for 8 weeks before he left again. 

Funny thing is that although it was no where near what it was when things were normal, we always continued to be intimate.  Even when he had moved out, we still had intimate moments. 

H did tell me sometimes the day after we wereintimate he felt wierd.  Like blahh.  Those were his exact words!   I'm not sure what blah meant.  I'm guessing intmacy brought out emotions in him that confused him more???  I don't know.

[Ready2Transform]

Several years, but I'm not sure exact dates.  We both had a lot of libido and performance issues for the last few years.  Once he was on his meds in 2010 there was definitely nothing.  He said it felt like he had a "bruised aura" and that it hurt to be touched.  We agreed to just let it be what it was and not try to force anything, but we kept a healthy (I thought) dialog going about it.  We still were affectionate in a general way through right prior to BD (actually, we still held hands and kissed until a month after he moved out, strangely enough, when he felt like it.  Then he asked me to stop saying "I love you" or even kissing him on the cheek, as he "needed to heal."  I had no clue what that meant).  So basically - it's been a long time!!  I'm grateful though that there wasn't any sexual crossover between me and OW.   

[NvrSayNvr]

8-1/2 months - with H or anyone else   

[Stillpraying]

17 months.  A week before he told me he didn't want to spend the rest of his life with me.  Although the few weeks leading up were odd and looking back I know he was just trying to 'cover up' what he knew he was about to do.  he was decieving me and it all started just a few days after our first weekend away which we BOTH said was great?

Had no need for me when he had belly dancing OW.  Not sure who he is using now since OW is gone??

[RivenIN2]

Don't think you have an almost unhealthy focus on the issue. Intimacy with our spouse was a very important part of our marriages. Now it is gone, tought one for us to cope with.

It is not easy to deal with still being attacked to the spouse and not be able to be intimate with them. Especially if the LBS is not opposed to be intimate with the spouse. Maybe it will stop being such an obstacle if a point comes when you’re no longer attracted to your wife?... You have a live-in MLCer, think that makes things much tougher.I think detachment, of any level, is harder if they are still around.

Does your mention of maybe asking your wife to leave on Thundarr thread has anything to do with this intimacy issue and the fact that you remain attracted to your wife? Do you think it would be easier for you to overcome it if she wasn’t around?

Yes this is a major part of my issues with cycling up and down. I am still attracted to her and since I still live her would very much like to be intimate but that has been ruled out by her. If I know she is not going to be around I am fine, I do not cycle and although I still think about sex it does not make me cycle. Having her so near is what absolutely kills me and makes me crazy. So I would have to say yes it is THE most important reason I want to ask her to leave. If she were out on her own then I could concentrate on the other things I need to do for me, D18 and S24.


I look at it this way, we are nothing more then room mates right now at best but yet I do all of the cooking, cleaning, and anything else that keeps the house going. She just comes and goes to work and play, but does not interact in any positive ways with the rest of the family. She is a constant distraction and annoyance on her best days and a complete and utter hellion on the worst. She fights non stop with D18, had nothing nice to say about me or anything I do. It would be a relief to have her leave and I think an important step for her to finish her journey. I have no illusions that she would return right away if at all, but I am beginning to really believe she must go if she is to see or really think about the things she did.


I live inthe hell we all know so well but think it could be better if she goes. Maybe it won't be forever but if it is then I would rather get on with it then to drag it out another year. It has already been far to long, most MLC'ers do leave at some point or come to their senses she has done neither, so maybe it is time to push her a little.

[Stillpraying]

RivenIN2
On my divorce course I recently did was one female participant who has been together with her H for I think around 2 decades and they were intimate around 5 times a week until he decided to STOP.  He is still in the house but moving out soon.  She still shakes her head in disbelief.  I let her know they were others experiencing the same thing with their spouses still living at home but not wanting to be part of the marriage.  So tough.  I cannot imagine being able to handle that.
SP

[RivenIN2]

Stillpraying did you mean divorce case? Are you telling me you are a lawyer? lol you could be a valueable resource to ask questions if you are.