[kikki]

It could be put like, Agape exists, or can exist, in a marriage, but a marriage cannot live only with Agape love. So, marital love is composed of the four kinds of love, that together form true love.

I think you're right about that Anjae

[ruggedendurance]

The longer this goes on.    The more I feel like an idiot for second guessing myself.

Such as?    If I could have loved her more...... maybe she would have been able to "feel it"

If I could have shown her in different ways........ then she would have known.

Fact is.......  she couldn't feel love.   she had none for herself..........

It was her all along.

And let's face it.    Without love.........    LIFE SUCKS

[kikki]

Yes rugged.  You sound as though a light bulb has come on in your head 

MLCers can't feel anything, the depression keeps them numb and the replay behaviours make them feel something, at least for a moment. The numbness inside continues though, so they keep trying new replay behaviours, looking for the original high. 
Just like addicts.  Looking for the dopamine fix.

[ruggedendurance]

The thing that is so bizarre about all of this.

I had been going through the marriage making excuses for her behavior.    She was depressed because she had a hysterectomy,  empty nest, her dad is sick, her dad dies, she has to deal with a health scare.............

I was certain.   Her depression was temporary.    She was going to come out of this.    This is what marriage is......

All of this support leads up to BD...........................

Now.    The bizarre part.

I am certain that I did something wrong.    I caused her to fly off the handle.   I drove her to another man.....

I take every nut and bolt out of myself.    Figuring out where I went so terribly wrong.   

I have to make peace with everything I've been and everything I am.

I have to make a brand new plan for the remainder of my life.

I'm driven to take every nut and bolt out of xw.   (I have time on my hands)   I examine her.    I need to understand.     I figure out exactly what went wrong in her life.   I figure out why she has been depressed her whole life..........   I figure out that she hates the little girl that was molested.   I figure out that she buried the little girl inside of herself and denied her any compassion.

Then?   After all of this......

The payoff is to live alone.    The payoff is simply to realize that  she is insane and as far as I can tell............ She will never figure out what is wrong with herself!

And....  If I tried to enlighten her?   SHE WOULD FLAT DENY ALL OF IT!

Human behavior is amazing and terrifying.........

If a person cannot feel love or extend love to the child inside of themselves..........   

Appears to be hopeless

[kikki]

I was certain.   Her depression was temporary.    She was going to come out of this.    This is what marriage is......

Rugged, this is what is so confounding about MLC.  What makes mid life depression different to depressions at other times of life? Possibly the perfect storm of hormonal and biochemistry shifts and the memories of often traumatic events that this seems to bring up in their brains. 

This is a good descriptor if you haven't already read it.  There is some debate about whether chemical imbalance is the cause of mental health issues or not, but despite this, this describes things well.  I love his car analogy.
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/Chemical%20Imbalance.html

I am certain that I did something wrong.    I caused her to fly off the handle.   I drove her to another man.....

I take every nut and bolt out of myself.    Figuring out where I went so terribly wrong.   

I have to make peace with everything I've been and everything I am.

I have to make a brand new plan for the remainder of my life.

I'm driven to take every nut and bolt out of xw.   (I have time on my hands)   I examine her.    I need to understand.     I figure out exactly what went wrong in her life.   I figure out why she has been depressed her whole life..........   I figure out that she hates the little girl that was molested.   I figure out that she buried the little girl inside of herself and denied her any compassion.

You've got this

Then?   After all of this......

The payoff is to live alone.    The payoff is simply to realize that  she is insane and as far as I can tell............ She will never figure out what is wrong with herself!

And....  If I tried to enlighten her?   SHE WOULD FLAT DENY ALL OF IT!

Human behavior is amazing and terrifying.........

If a person cannot feel love or extend love to the child inside of themselves..........   

Appears to be hopeless

I know it seems crazy that there is nothing that we can do, nothing that anybody can do, but it seems that until/unless they come out of whatever ails them on their own, they continue to live in their distorted reality worlds.
It's tragic, it's cruel, but I am one who could not believe this to be so.
I tried and tried and tried to get my MLCer to see that he needed help.
It just made what was already very ugly, even uglier.
All I can do is to try to walk away, and see if he ever catches up with me.

We have no way of knowing whether this is possible or not.  It really is dependent on the individual MLCer, and how messed up they are.
We might have our answers many years down the track. 
In the mean time, we have to let them go and live our lives as if they were never a part of it. 

[ruggedendurance]

kikki,

In the mean time, we have to let them go and live our lives as if they were never a part of it. 

Normally.......  I would be the type to run from this sitch.     I adore women..   I could find another woman that I found interesting and fun to be around.   I would add up all the misery she has caused me and count my lucky stars.

The problem?

Her cement head holds 30yrs of my memories.    Things that I enjoyed and loved and only SHE knew about..........

Bu$hit set-up. 

[kikki]

I sure do hear you rugged.  I feel exactly the same way about my MLCer.

Our heads finally figure out why this might have happened to them, our heads tell us that we know we can't help them and to let them go, but our hearts and all of those memories make it nigh on impossible to do so. 
The LBS conundrum. 

[xyzcf]

Our heads finally figure out why this might have happened to them, our heads tell us that we know we can't help them and to let them go, but our hearts and all of those memories make it nigh on impossible to do so. 
The LBS conundrum. 

All the logic, all the comprehension, all the belief I have about MLC is washed away with three words....I miss him 

[Pixiegirl]

I had a conversation with me best friend. She's divorced and remarried and calls him her soul mate. I believe it. However she told me that eventually I won't love H anymore and he will just be S's dad. I'll find someone else who makes me happy and H won't be but a memory.

I however disagree because I have maintained all 21 years as H being the love of my life. I don't think I will ever get over him. I'm just learning to live without him. But I know, I will never love anyone like him.

I wish I could not love him and feel the way my friend fels about her x. I just know in my heart I never will and that's what sucks about all of this.

[xyzcf]

I think there are some people whose marriages were not the best. My brother is divorced and remarried and he told me he realized he had made a mistake on his honeymoon, but they stayed together for 17 years. He said he finally stopped loving her 8 years after their divorce (although by then he had been married for 5 years).

But, for some of us, this is not going to be the case. It is not because we want to carry this pain around, it is because what we had was real. Maybe another relationship will bring great times and deep love, but no, I do not see me ever feeling satisfied that our marriage ended.

Sometimes I wish I could get hypnotized so I could erase all thoughts and memories of him from my head for this is so tiring and I am no longer amused or interested in this state of mind, but somehow helpless to go in a different direction...something will not let me.