[honour]

IMHO we are, in a way, the chosen ones. We are the leaders, the flag poles, the light houses. We are the ones the God has trusted with one of his children, the MLCer.

God entrusted me with two children. They are now young adults learning and fending for themselves.
I was in partnership with an adult. That partnership is now at an end, her choice.
I am sowing seeds of independence and self-reliance. If I don't choose independence I'm confining myself to a semi life, a life trapped in a world of longing and sadness.

honour

[broken5]

Sowing seeds of change ....thats how I look at this.

It is so sad this happens not really to us...but more so to them....we have the whole crisis to process and accept fate as it works out. MLC will get their own BD at some point and I think for those who were truly good people to begin with it must be a shocking and terrifying feeling.

When their fog lifts and they see clearly for the first time the path of destruction they have left it has to be so painful for those that loved their families...I know Covert Depression stage....

The hardest part is knowing that we can not actively help them and that they have to fell the pain to heal, and if any of you are like me I am always taking he burden of the people I love and I will not be able to do that this time.

So I say sowing seeds of change ... meaning setting the foundation for your new life once this passes,  with your spouse or not. For me I would never be able to live with myself if I did not do everything I can do to save my relationship. In the end I want to know I DID WHAT WAS BEST.

MY SEEDS OF CHANGE WILL BE:

*My life happiness does not depend on my H.
*I am a good person, and I deserve to have a fulfilling life even if my H is not there with me.
*I will tell my H that I love him and want him in my life... because its true.
*I will always be kind to him even when he does not deserve it because its the right thing to do.

there is a quote that says "love them when they deserve it the least , because that is when they need it the most"

this has been my mantra.....I say this to myself at least 20 times a day and out loud to my kids all the time....just remind them that their dad is still there but he can't make his way out of the storm in his head yet...but will eventually and he will remember that we all treated him with love when he did not deserve it

[Finding Hope]

Yes, we live together. Never did move out and his deadline has come and gone. We are polite roommates. We even sleep in the same bed. He had said twice that he was going to move out of the bedroom but never did.

We havent been intimate. He said at BD that we wouldnt because he didnt want to send mixed signals  Really?!!! He has at least been true to that statement 

FH

[osb]

Finding Hope, your situation resonates with me, although I'm still very early along. H has bounced in and out of the house, but appears to be home to stay, at least till the next cycle. We're very polite roommates, adjourning to our separate rooms at end of day. Sometimes it works, sometimes it's bloody awkward.  I'm impressed that you've managed not to strangle your H after 17 months of this....

B5, I really like your ideas on seeds of change. Maybe that includes seeds of independence. Mine, and his. For the past year, I'd walked on eggshells around the house - H had become an obsessive-compulsive control freak. Don't disorganize the light switches. Don't move the papers - damn it you TOUCHED the papers! Suggesting I'd like to hang up a picture induced WWIII - "you're not allowed to put holes in the wall without my permission!!". So last week, I quietly pulled out hammer and nail, and put up a few things (my mask collection - apropos, no?). A little test. H saw them, but mirabile dictu, no screaming. Planted a little garden - first annuals only (who knows if I'll be living here next year, H spent the spring trying to throw me out of our house). Then in a fit of enthu, I planted 20-year peonies. H immediately threatened to rip them out. They're still there. Slowly I feel like this house is mine too. Think H sees that.

Am also working on fostering H's emotional independence from me. That's hard, but it has to be done. Distancing myself is not enough - he has to not need me, or he'll never want me. Think H has to see himself as his own man, or he'll never value himself or me (right now, he's pretty derogatory about himself from all prespectives, seems full of loathing - which of course bounces right back onto me). Am open to all suggestions on how to sow these painful seeds.

[FindingJoJo]

Think H has to see himself as his own man, or he'll never value himself or me (right now, he's pretty derogatory about himself from all prespectives, seems full of loathing - which of course bounces right back onto me). Am open to all suggestions on how to sow these painful seeds.

that really is important.  H does need to value himself or he can't value anything else.  My H recently was in a self doubting mode and I let him know I believed in him.  He thought it was the coolest thing and when he pulled through the issue he was feeling a bit better.  Thanked me for believing in him and says he knows he can do this.  It has also improved things between us too.  I don't want him to rely on me for validation or emotional well being but rather be the lighthouse and offer kind words.

[toughtimes]

My H doesn't seem to doubt himself, he thinks he's superman!

[osb]

Ah, H started out thinking he was superman... though for about 2 months after BD, thought I was seeing the incredible hulk, or maybe dr jekyll...

Sometime during his 2 month absence, my H seems to have exited the telephone booth sans cape. Or clutching a motherload of kryptonite. While I wasn't at all a fan of crazy-psycho-superdude, now I'm not sure what to do with Mr puddle-of-doubt.