[limitless]

I think, for me, I need to Stand - for myself -  before I can move on.

I think Standing is about giving yourself the time to heal....and to become strong.  Spending the time doing mirror work....improving myself...finding what makes me happy.

If, during the time that I Stand, my H should wake up and want to pursue some relationship with me....then I would be open for that.  I no longer Stand for him or our marriage.  That marriage is over....dead....and gone.  I've mourned it.  I miss it.  But, it is a time that has passed.

How long will I Stand?  I don't know.  I just take it a day at a time. 

At least that is how I feel today.

limitless

[readytofixmyselffirst]

I think that everyone on the forum needs to question their stand or they are not moving forward. While I am a man of faith, I still study the bible and read scripture to develop a deeper understanding of my relationship with GOD and my own purpose in life. It is all part of my own journey towards wholeness.

MLC is a test in faith. It rocks your beliefs to the core and for a brief moment, I lost my faith in everything. Now, I feel that I am stronger than I was before BD and that my ability to understand and empathize with others is a gift I have received from the crisis. I have discovered a resolve in myself that I never knew was inside of me.

I stand now because I do see my wife as not well. I also see that I am not ready to be in another relationship. That I still love my wife and I do pray and hope that she finishes her journey and returns to me. In the meantime, I focus on my life and take advantage of all it still offers me. I mean, I am on a forum with a great group of people. I am still amazed at how some people have survived and even thrived despite the crisis. I have formed close friendships and ties with people all over the world. 

I also stand because I believe in MLC and that it is a process that takes time. I also stand for my two daughters who still need a strong and powerful influence in their lives.

I stand because I believe in my love for my wife. But most of all, I stand because of the love I have for myself.

(((((hugs))))) to all

[calamity]

Hi Ever,  I will tell you the reason I stand.... 

The#1 reason is because the person I fell in love with (my MLCer H) is not currently in his right frame of mind, I know this man VERY well and everything that he once stood for has been replaced with really bad logic...

#2 is that I also feel that being his wife I should try my best to understand that this is an EMOTIONAL CRISIS,my H is NOT AT ALL like the man I see before me - there is something seriously wrong with him, hence for "better or worse" and I take my wedding vow's seriously.

#3 I LOVE HIM, and I will try my very best to keep my family from getting torn apart. 

#4 The LAST thing I want right now is a NEW RELATIONSHIP, life without my H has been hard but it hasn't been unsatisfying, I can create my OWN HAPPINESS from within - I have MANY things and people to be greatfull for, my H is/was just a part of my life (a very BIG part I might add) and I dearly MISS him, but he didn't define my life, he enhanced it.....

With that being said, I will stand for ME, and time for me to heal and become whole again, if my H finds me during this time that would be a plus, but if not, at least I know that I STAYED TRUE TO MY MORAL VALUES AND WEDDING VOWS, and that I will have a clear conscious to proceed into the next phase of my journey called life....And that is why I STAND......

Hugs,

Truly

No point writing this out again.  I just put spaces so I could read it again [copied to my journal, I'll pretend I wrote it  ]

why would i read it again.  not because i have DOUBTS

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

Why have I been standing?

Because I believe it's what God would have me to do.

Because I vowed that I would, to God, and to my husband, so I should honor that.

Because a restored marriage (from what I have heard) is THE BEST RELATIONSHIP.

Because I would hope that if it were me having the MLC, my husband would stand.

Because there's no guarantee new relationships won't end up the same, or worse.

[Trustandlove]

Ready says it so well, as ever.  As do the others. 

I do agree that we need to question our stand during this process, and that it is normal and natural to do so -- we don't just do this blindly.  RCR also writes that it is all about bending with the circumstances, changing what we do as things change. 

When things are absolutely horrible it is natural to wonder what we are doing; that is where accepting the process comes in. 

And I don't get involved in another relationship because that wouldn't solve anything.  That is one thing I am certain of. 

[Finding Hope]

This is such a good topic.

Why do I stand. HMMMMMMMM, on several occasions I have asked myself this very question.

I stand because I have loved this man for 26 years. I too hope that when he comes out of this, he will realize that I'm worth being married to.

I stand because I too took vowels, for better or worse, and this is definitely the worse.

I stand because we have built a life together, have 2 beautiful girls that deserve to have a whole family.

I stand because, I hope that he will be a better husband then he has been in the last 17 months.

I stand because I know that he is going through a journey.

I stand because of his journey, I was made to take a journey also, and because of this journey, I am a better person.

I stand because I'm not a quitter and never have been.

I stand because I think hes worth it.

FH

[underpressure]

The#1 reason is because the person I fell in love with (my MLCer H) is not currently in his right frame of mind, I know this man VERY well and everything that he once stood for has been replaced with really bad logic...

I am faltering here. I have been with H for 13 years. We hardly spend time with others. I still am not sure I know or trust him. We had a minor break up in 2001 that lasted 2 months or so. And every time we travel together he has a theatrical blow-up and disappears for an extended period (overnight, or just hours). I know a lot about him but I still can't explain some of his behavior. I am not sure the person who was acting that way 10 years ago is different from the person who is acting REALLY weird now.

#2 is that I also feel that being his wife I should try my best to understand that this is an EMOTIONAL CRISIS, my H is NOT AT ALL like the man I see before me - there is something seriously wrong with him, hence for "better or worse" and I take my wedding vow's seriously.

I do agree that my H is having an emotional/mental/identity crisis. He may also be an alcoholic. I agree on the "forbetter or worse, In sickness and in health" vow.

#3 I LOVE HIM, and I will try my very best to keep my family from getting torn apart. 

Ditto that one.

#4 The LAST thing I want right now is a NEW RELATIONSHIP, life without my H has been hard but it hasn't been unsatisfying, I can create my OWN HAPPINESS from within - I have MANY things and people to be greatfull for, my H is/was just a part of my life (a very BIG part I might add) and I dearly MISS him, but he didn't define my life, he enhanced it.....

And ditto that one, too. I think I would enjoy missing H MORE in fact right about now.

With that being said, I will stand for ME, and time for me to heal and become whole again, if my H finds me during this time that would be a plus, but if not, at least I know that I STAYED TRUE TO MY MORAL VALUES AND WEDDING VOWS, and that I will have a clear conscious to proceed into the next phase of my journey called life....And that is why I STAND......

I stand knowing that I may stand for an impossible marriage, that what I hope for has almost no chance of becoming realized, and yet I continue to stand for my own spirit, and for the simple fact that it is the right thing to do.

Thanks, Truly (and CJ) for letting me borrow your thoughts!

[Alwaysthere]

I don't know why I stand but I do.  Perhaps it's because I am too afraid to move on. A lot of uncertainty there. 

I know many of those around me are trying to push me to give up.  I don't verbalize that I am standing but they know.

But mainly I love my H and feel that right now today that this is where I should be. Perhaps it's a gift or a calling of some sort.  Only time will tell the whole story.

In the meantime, standing gives me the time and space to heal and work on myself.  What's the hurry as many have said I know I am not ready to open my heart to anyone else at this time.

[Rebel Yell]

2 years ago I prayed and asked God if I could divorce my wife.
I heard him say "not yet"
He's not given me an update so I guess the information is still the same.

And the kids...

[BraveNewWorld]

Well, I tried dating. From my experience I learned a few things.

Firstly, I'm not able to give myself to someone right now - I think I'm still in love with the person I shared so much of my life with and I need to accept they have gone - which is hard to do for one reason - they're two blocks away and texting me about our children, and my son has her eyes.

Secondly, dating in midlife is very different than dating as a teen or twenty something. It seems more complicated, and difficult. It seems to add more complication.

Thirdly - my children. I don't know how to give them focus, look after my home, and my job and also build a relationship with someone else. How on earth do these MLCers do it? Where do they find people happy to be part of that? It's juggling too much. I don't know how I feel about introducing another person into their lives, or how I would be with a partner's children.

Finally - me. I'm damaged. I have to fix how I feel about relationships, trust, love, my faith. I feel that I took loving for granted before - how did I live so many years with a person keeping so many deep, sad secrets and not know? What does that say about me?

So - Why would you stand instead of moving on? I feel like I'm moving on ... Trying to help my children grow, have time with me, eat well, be dressed well, talk ... I'm trying to make new friends, learn a new language, improve my running, get a promotion, travel. Hoping that one day I can trust in a relationship again ... I'm not sure I'm 'standing' as much as healing - though I know deep down that my heart is broken and that I miss my wife/friend. I just don't know if I'll have that friendship again. I hope so, but that's not what I'm expecting. I also don't think the time is right to try to re-create it with someone else, though I am lonely sometimes.

bnw