[Peony2012]

this is all very interesting, keep them coming! 

I was asking because I've been wondering if it was time for me to say something to H... his communication to me is next to nothing now, apart from 2-liners by email that make NO SENSE AT ALL. (check the end of my last thread if you're interested).

I haven't seen him since June.

I actually told him (emailed him) something about MLC quite quickly after BD - at the time it was a HUGE mistake and I just got blaming and monster. At the time I still treated him like the 'old' H and thought I could talk sense into him! LOL!

However, that was 25 months ago so maybe something has changed since then. I have no idea.

Thanks for your comments so far!

[FindingJoJo]

this is all very interesting, keep them coming! 

I was asking because I've been wondering if it was time for me to say something to H... his communication to me is next to nothing now, apart from 2-liners by email that make NO SENSE AT ALL. (check the end of my last thread if you're interested).

I haven't seen him since June.

I actually told him (emailed him) something about MLC quite quickly after BD - at the time it was a HUGE mistake and I just got blaming and monster. At the time I still treated him like the 'old' H and thought I could talk sense into him! LOL!

However, that was 25 months ago so maybe something has changed since then. I have no idea.

Thanks for your comments so far!

I think only you can know if you should say something or not.  If he is not communicating very well though I don't think it will do you good if you did say something.  Tuesday and Wednesday of this week were the only times in a year and a half that we had an honest conversation about anything.  H was open to talking and he was telling me his issues, there was honesty and that is the only reason why I did say something because he told me he didn't know what was wrong with him.  He described his feelings and from there I asked him if any of this sounded familiar I read him the signs of MLC.  He listened then said he didn't want to and I said okay then let it go.  He said shortly after that he knew he needed to fix himself so I said well if he didn't learn and address his issues he could never heal, shortly after that as I kept reading he came over and said he better learn something so he could heal, then we talked some more.  It was paced I hope and what he could take and I took my cues from him about how much talk was too much.  Dropped it when it overwhelmed picked it up when he asked. 

So take cues from him and if he isn't communicative then that should be a sign he isn't ready but that is only my opinion and I am still learning, making mistakes, re-learning myself.  Others who have been going through this longer may know better.

[Trustandlove]

At the very beginning my H said that he needed to sort himself out; at 6 months he was breaking down, at 9 months again, something that I took for introspection at 18 months, then at 2.5 years a bigger breakdown and he said something about not loving himself and needing to do something, all in very, very strange language. 

For a while after that, perhaps 3 months, he seemed to be thinking, then, quite suddenly, he went into "there's absolutely nothing wrong with me" mode, and that he was now happy and why didn't I get that. 

A small blip back to "things aren't good" not quite 2 years ago, but for the last 18 months it's seriously back to "I am completely well, there's nothing wrong with me, just accept reality and move on".

In other words he's still out there. 

[calamity]

I said early after BD that he was having a mlc.  He said, with that cruel smirk:  'You should have let me buy the motorcycle'. 

He said last summer, 'I'm so miserable, what is wrong with me?' I thought he was missing the dumsel. Not, he was still seeing her.  Also he said in the months after he left, 'I have to get myself together...'.  And, when I said he knows where home is:  not yet.  Makes no difference, he goes on and on, like, someone said, the energizer bunny.

[FindingJoJo]

Oh I heard that one too.....

I still hear how things got bad because of me and it is funny that I am fixing my things he still has everything to do and he doesn't get it that without him I focus and do what I should with him right now he sucks up life and I get off track.  I can't point it out either because it is all blame.

I have only talked once about his illness with him and can only hope something sunk in.  It seems though it is part of script but if nothing more I do feel we had an honest talk at that time.  He won't remember it I am sure but still have to hope.  I do see real emotion real pain so I know my lovey is in there somewhere and that does give me hope.

[FindingJules]

Oh yes, I mentioned it.  Early on.  BAD mistake!!  Little background though...we have a son who is on the Autism Spectrum and I work in that field (not as a clinician, but in support of an agency)....so I deal with "diagnosises" all of the time....and usually (especially with our son), once we know what something is...it is SO much easier to address it.  So, of course, I thought I was still dealing with old LOGICAL H so I thought that would help.  OH NO!!  LOADS of spewing, monster, blaming....all that good stuff.

I've tried broaching it again recently - more delicately, not as direct, not as accusatory - he said that he wasn't doing anything wrong...if he broke the wedding vows then I did too.  (TALK ABOUT PROJECTING, AVOIDING AND EVERYTHING ELSE NOT TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY!!!).  But...he also said the stuff I've read here - "then I am just terrible, I'm awful, why would you want to be married to me...."  and more.  I did take the opportunity to tell him that it was choices he made trying to make something better, trying to do what he thought was right and that he could be forgiving for those choices and make different choices.

There has been a LITTLE evidence he MIGHT be listening....but still with OW, still cycling, still MLCing....but it's WAY early too...lots of room to grow - for the both of us.

Hope that helps!  Thanks for asking the question - good to read these responses!

[Chrysalis]

Just after BD, my partner said he thought he needed to speak to a priest.  I didn't understand what was going on at the time and I knew he wasn't religious. 
After a while I thought he was going through an MLC and so did his D and sister and they told him so.  He wouldn't have it.

When he came back after living with OW for six months, I told him it was an MLC and he said that he thought it must be.  When he went back to her after a week, I told him again that it was an MLC and he said if it was that he would be really stupid.  Since then (eighteen months ago) he has shown no signs of showing that he thinks there is anything wrong with him at all.

[crazyjourney]

When my h first left , he himself said call it midlife crisis I dont know.

Trying to explain how he felt he said he felt like he was in a tunnel and had to work his way through and at the end would be time for him, at the time I had no idea about mlc.

Other things he has mentioned at times in telephone conversations have been his eyesight was getting terrible, he had to use a white board at work to write things on as his memory was so bad, he cried watching X factor at the judges house when they were letting people go. 

I got a lot of crazy text messages in the early days making reference to things which I know to be from our past, from when we first met, songs, cars, movies that sort of thing.

At BD I got the passion has gone and you killed it!!!! Told his mam he left because it had been like a slow death!!!! eek I am not that bad surely. No wonder we start this feeling so gobsmacked.

Regarding ow I have had. Well they are always younger arent they
Maybe she is just an escape
You and the boys are my priority not her.

As far as divorce goes apparently it is not the right time. No of course not h it is just the right time to go shag someone else!!!

When it was sons birthday he wrote in his card cannot believe we have a 21yr old baby, I think this was him freaking out a bit over his own age.

Hope you all enjoy these promise they are true lol.

x

[Peony2012]

crazyjourney, when you mentioned your H talking about the tunnel I remembered my H texting 'I cannot see through the haze'.

weird ey.

[In this for ME]

Mine has refered to "a fog".