[StillStanding]

This I have not been able to accomplish. I am still seeing him. He is still seeing her. That's why I am still discussing this stuff. I will probably be seeing a lot of him until we go on our vacation together next week. We will stay at the hotel we were married at. Do disneyland Etc. And then he leaves and S5 and I go stay with my parents for a week. Because he will be on his own for a week while we are out of state, I am going to communicate this boundary when we part, or upon our return.

This sounds like a textbook example of "cake-eating"; he gets the perks of being married to you AND the thrill of the woman on the side which you are letting him have. MLCers are all about the personal gratification, so he won't give that up until he is forced to.

Heck, he gets to be the good father and go on family vacations with the two of you, then you are letting him be on his own for a week. What are the chances that he will be filled with regret and longing for you, when he has OW waiting for him?

[Doc Hudson]

I'm not seeing an MLC with regard to your husband here.

Maybe you discussed this on another thread, but, have you started to figure out why you had an affair?

[underpressure]

Doc, thanks. Just as I was beginning to think I really had a clear understanding of H's MLC you say you don't see it!

My behaviour has mostly consisted of accepting blame for all of his problems and all problems in the marriage. Several times (3 during marriage) i sought emotionsl rescue from male friends. The most recent time this turned into a PA, and i feel i did that out of extreme anger.

There is much more to say about it and i continue to feel remorse and work on my codependency issues.

Meanwhile, H has possibly been in MLC for an extended time. His depression had been covert but palpable for possibly as ling as i have known him but reached crisis intensity 2 years ago. He began insisting on a "man cave" snd withdrawing to his office since i had no time to finish the basement for him. Last summer i snapped and started the project, including my own art studio, ignoring his man cave...this is a key expression of both our crises.


At BD he started deeply nostalgic replay and i became his own illicit affair.

He added OW in late June. He also has several fragmentary personas that i am meeting for the first time. He is on prozac. He has strange sexual behavior i have never seen before. He is drinking heavily. He talks about dropping LSD.

He has not hit bottom. This is sent from my phone, so its really brief, but i am inteested in your ideas as to why you think he is not in MLC. Thanks!

[Doc Hudson]

I need to make sure that I understand the timeline here. 

1. You seek the comfort, or emotional rescue, of several men during your marriage because [you're not happy].
2. You have a physical affair because [you're not happy].
3. He finds out about this.
4. He tries to work on the marriage, but he just doesn't seem that into it because his heart is broken.
5. He withdraws and tries to heal himself, but he just seems so off-balance that is behavior is odd.
6. He tells you that he's done.
7. He gets a girlfriend and moves on.
8. You want him back.
9. You're upset at him because he won't take you back.

If this is generally true, then I DEFINATELY see someone in crisis.  It's just not your husband.  Have you researched Borderline Personality Disorder?

[underpressure]

I am coming to this forum for emotIonal rescue too. I am isolated, although finally have female friends IRL and am not texting old distant male friends for help. The emotional relationship i had a few years ago started AFTER my husband threatened me with divorce. I had no intention of leaving my husband. I have never had any control over him. I still dont. He calls the shots. Even if i set a boundary he mAnages to turn it into some other way he controls me.

I am willing to look at myself. I am working. I am changing. 
I see many ways i let him abuse me and many things i did wrong. But i am not the BPD in this relationship. I am the enabler.

I know admitting to having an affair on this forum leaves me eide open to all kinds of accusations and meanness. Nevertheless being here is healthier for me than seeking help from some supportive friend with hidden intentions.

[OldPilot]

It really does not matter one way or the other who is in MLC and who is not.
The advice does not change.

We still must work on ourselves and become the best that WE can be.
We must live our life "as if" they are not coming back.

You are starting on that path UP don't let what anybody says push you off of it.
It is your path to walk and whether Doc is right or wrong does not matter.

[calamity]

We won't be mean.    Despite some necessary? ranting we know OP's or affairs are not the problem.  Would that it were so simple!
And it doesn't make any difference what is going wrong w. your marriage, the advice would be the same.  The articles on self-focus apply to most people & situations.
Fr. top of page:
Remember The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement. Love each other, Love your Spouses and Love yourselves. The Unconditionals apply to everyone.

[Doc Hudson]

Based on your reply, I will assume that my accounting of the facts is correct.  Regardless, someone recently started a thread about the difference between guilt and remorse.  I think that you should look at it as, in my opinion, you will have to cross that bridge REGARDLESS of whether your husband takes you back or not.  I see guilt in your actions, but not remorse.  I am not judging you, rather, I am merely telling you what I see.  My advice is stop focusing on what your husband is doing, and to focus on what you have done and what you need to DO.  Words are cheap.  Actions cost.  Love costs.

[calamity]

Doc, I see yr pain coming out on this thread.  I am sorry. 

[StillStanding]

I know admitting to having an affair on this forum leaves me eide open to all kinds of accusations and meanness. Nevertheless being here is healthier for me than seeking help from some supportive friend with hidden intentions.

As a man who with an MLCing wife who has cheated on him, I'll say this: the only person who has to answer to me for any infidelity they have committed is my wife.

I've seen this happen on other divorce forums. People who are hurting use others on the forum as proxies or stand-ins for their unfaithful (ex-)spouses. They can't punish their wives or husbands for cheating, so they take it out on others who have confessed to the same weakness. What you did, and why you did it, may be an incident in your life that you regret, and hopefully it has helped you understand yourself better; but you don't have to explain yourself to anyone here if you don't want to.