[calamity]

The comments & advice on this thread are making me uncomfortable--don't know exactly why but I have to follow my instincts.

UP - if you are wondering about BPD or anything like it, you should get advice from a therapist [& be careful who you choose for a therapist].  Some people here are professionals but I don't think they would use this board to communicate with you.

I don't buy this BPD stuff.  It seems to be a fashionable way to analyse people, at the moment, but these theories come & go so I never accept anything until considerable time has passed.    Because I am almost 60 I have seen many fads in education & psychology so am skeptical of all.  Like my bil says, 'whatever became of oat bran?'  Oat bran was considered the answer to almost all health problems, what a decade ago?

You are very vulnerable at this point; I am still vulnerable & it is 15 months post BD.  Take what you need from any source & leave the rest.  Anything safe that helps you thru the worst, use it.  I found the one thing that helped me was to get a lot of exercise.  Physical exertion gets rid of your energy & anger, makes you calmer, clears your head & lasts a lot longer than meds or alcohol.  

I don't know if anyone has said it but you are not crazy, just really hurt.
You are strong enough to handle this mess.  The proof is that you are here, looking for answers, not in a heap on the floor.

[StillStanding]

One thing to remember is that we don't or should not make any diagnosis of a personality disorder or medical condition. We give advice based upon the facts you have given us. We have to base our advice on what we read and hope that it understand what we read. We then have to write and try to convey our message in words that hopefully help our friends on the forum.

That is something that cannot be stressed enough; none of us are in any position to offer more than general advice when it comes to personality disorders or medical conditions. It would be irresponsible for anyone, even a qualified professional—especially a qualified professional—to attempt to diagnose someone they have not seen in person. So I agree with the suggestion that questions about BPD, codependency, or compulsive behavior would be best directed to a licensed therapist in your area.

This thread was started to discuss detachment and its role in saving a relationship. As I said before, I don't know how you can successfully detach and heal in the situation you are in now. Your husband, whether MLCing or not, is taking advantage of your confusion and your pain to have the best of both worlds: he can blame you for everything that is hurting him right now, live out a deluded fantasy life with OW, and gets to sleep with you both at the same time.

Surgeons have to have detachment in order to operate on people, including kids, who may be suffering from hideous ailments or traumatic injuries; but you wouldn't say that detachment saves those people. Detachment is not what heals a relationship; it's what heals you so that you can work on reconciliation when the time comes.

[underpressure]

There is a lot to respond to here. Maybe even more to answer to here than the inadequacies I actually have to work on! My writing truly needs work as well. I am struck by how bad it is and how it fails to say what i think i meant. I apologize.

I do hope i can communicate better as a learn detachmrnt and refain my emotional stability.

I proposed when i first posted that I was suffering from a midlife crisis in conjunction with my husband. I suspect this is the case and i am somewhere around liminality, working. Not in replay or not much. I could be wrong. I have more reading and work to do. Detaching from H will be the best thing for me i just cant seem to stick with no contact..until now, maybe. Until this morning.

I started this thread because i simply wanted to hear about other's ideas fir detaching, maybe even from folks who have had a particularly hard time doing so with their clinging boomerang. Or their very codependant or abusive-controlling relationship.


FWIW, i did nit mean "all men" just the men here in thus thread. Maybe i come across like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction with a hatchet. I dont feel that way at all. Im sad and hurt.

I had a difficult adolescence. I was adopted at birth. But i was an achiever, talented, deans list. My issues were minor and forgotten, until now. I exploded the date rape incident because it gets at the core of my boundary problems. It doesnt control all of me, but it loomed large as i felt my best most trusted friend betray me utterly and do horrible horrible things just as he had told me he had driven me to my EA and would never treat me like that again. I guess he meant it would only get worse.

I have been with my H for almost a third of my life. During that time our blow-outs are  probably less than it feels like in number. Im so tired and overwhelmed i find myself counting one of the fights several times. The moment seems fractired into several moments. So let us say 4 times in 13 years we had serious conflicts. Two of those times i sought legal advice because he threatened me with divorce. He seldom apologized. Once he said "thanks forcnot putting up with my sh:t" which was his form of apology.

But most of the time we were happy and liked each other.
When something like this happens i think its natural fir me to focus on the most drastic moments in my life and marriage.

[underpressure]

And i apologize for taking Doc's sly exposé to mean he fircsure thought i was a person with BPD. For the record, he also told me to go read about true remorse vs. the meagre guilt i carry around (oops, paraphrasing, not meaning harm) but i had actually already read AND posted to that topic in what i felt was an honest and forthright way. I am sorry but I do feel that was a tad unfair.

To change the subject completely:

Has anyone ever done meditation and something involving a meditative cutting of energy cords? I have had a buzzare experience with this in the past that is not easily explained by western science. thinking it might be worth reinvestigation and have started trying to cut energy cords with my hand during lotus posiition and prana breathing.

CJ: BPD confuses me. But i understand the idea as borderline psychotic behavior.
I dont truly expect to be diagnosed here. I do expect to stir up discussion, ask hard questions. Lok for answers in myself. These guys bark louder than they bite and certainly are doung me a great deal of good by challenging me and my illusions.

[underpressure]

Reading some RCR pages I came across this:

(Left Behind Spouse Stages)
Adapted from Olga Botcharova's Seven Steps Toward Forgiveness1
Bomb Drop
Panic & Anxiety
Denial Throughout
Shock
Bargaining
Hopelessness
Realization of Loss
Denial Continues
Becoming a Victim
Suppression: I'm not going to deal with this right now.
Anger
Self-Pity Anger: Why me?
Guilt, Shame, Humiliation
Self-Righteous Anger: blames spouse
I'm Done.
Due to either anger or helplessness, may be fleeting
Justice & Revenge--the need to destroy
Fantasies of revenge
Occasionally small scale pranks
Hell hath no fury...
Becoming the Scorned Woman (Second Inner Circle)
Rewrite Story: define heroes & villains
Reinforce Innocence
Deny Responsibility
Dehumanize Spouse
Justified Aggression
Roles Change: Victim to Aggressor

This feels fairly accurate to me in terms of the explanation of much of my behavior from 2009 onward. So I find myself asking myself which one of his stunts was the REAL bomb-drop? His stonewalling was continual in 2009. He may have as well been one of your spouses, the way I have heard them described, still living at home. I did act like this outline above. Pranks included buying serverware anyway so I could complete photos for cookbook and hiding the purchases in the driveway so he wouldnt freak out on me for spending $100. Maybe the prank of showing him all the attentive FB chat from doting highschool friend. I don't know. But I feel my life's events in the above list. The change from Victim to Aggressor coincided with me allowing OM into house to help me finish basement. That certainly drove H out. But when we went in for counseling I knuckled under and went back to victim. Stayed there for several months.

[calamity]

Yeah simple question, but...

If there has ever been a thread on this topic, could someone link this please?  I can't find anything by doing a search.

I kind of know what works for me but am interested in hearing others opinions or suggestions & I mean EVERYTHING that helps detach, from physical activity to meditation [or medication? ].

I will start by saying by looking at my husband's behaviour as a manifestation of depression* I can remove myself from him i.e. not take it personally.  *I do understand the difference between disease & dis-ease but there is little doubt that depression is a huge part of mlc.

Anyway it would help me to have other ideas & could be a valuable reference for new people.

[calamity]

I have one--a sense of humour!  We have a lot of material!

[NoRegrets]

Dream your own dreams--I find when I make plans that have nothing to do with him, from painting walls to replanting my garden to planning a trip or even my weekend, I stop thinking about him. I don't miss him. When I have fun with my children, I don't miss him.

[wondering]

I haven't really figured it out yet. With a live in clinging bomerang it's almost impossible. I just take one day at a time, exercise, keep busy...live.

[OldPilot]

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=464.0