[Stillpraying]

I don't know if I've used the correct message icon but I have been thinking for a while it would be great to have a parenting discussion.  I'me reading more of this through the threads and I know I could do with some help right now.

My kids are 10, 8, 6 and 3 but all soon to get into the birthday season again.

I'm finding they are less cooperative lately.  Probably some of you will smile   but they won't stay in bed at night and then in the morning they won't get dressed.  We've tried all sorts of routines and they seem to need so much re assurance I'm still in the house.  This eased off after H left 18 months ago and they were doing great.  I've found it so draining these past months.

Any hints???

[Moving Forward]

Hey SP,
I have been thinking about this thread and thought I'd post what has worked for me!

I take good care of me first - not in a selfish way as I lead a dull and lovely predictable life - if I am healthy and feeling good I am a better parent!

I simplified my life - we do simple stuff together.

We eat together around the kitchen table most nights.

We read aloud to each other - could be an article off the internet or a book or magazine.

We watch tv programmes together - could be something they really love or something I really love and want to introduce them to.

I leave my phone in the kitchen when we are together - they need me present and in that moment not distracted.

We have 'movie nights' with homemade popcorn! I have watched some terrible, terrible films!

I have taught my children to plan, prepare, cook and serve a meal.

I read and re-read Gary Chapman's '5 Love Languages' and practice every day (my son who is 13 is a 'physical touch' child, my 11 year old daughter is a 'quality time' child).

I lowered my standards of cleanliness!! I am not obsessed about cobwebs - our home is lived in and loved!

I keep my kids 'in the loop' about what is going on in our lives - everything from shopping lists to increasing gas prices to planning  our family holidays! This has meant they can have some level of 'control' and 'direction' over their lives at a time when they felt a lot of stuff was out of control. They learn about decision making this way.

We have the 'Oracle' which is the kitchen calendar which I write everything down on - they can see, at a glance., what I am up to and who with etc even on the weekends when they are with their Dad.

I am honest with them about everything. I use validation and kinder words in certain situations but they know I will always be honest - they have asked me some killer questions too!!

I positively affirm how awesome they are every single day via text or verbally or in a note in their school bag!!

I ask for their help in how to handle certain situations i.e. my exH's wife saw me last week and she ran away - I told the kids this had happened and they thought it was very funny! My son double checked that I didn't run after her as that would be 'too weird' he said!!

I read books about the impact of divorce on children and make decisions today which they will benefit from in their future lives.

I bore my friends (you know who you are!!) rigid with my worries about my kids and how they are coping and whether I am doing enough for them emotionally!!

I get up half an hour early every day to get my head into gear and plan anything I need to do.

My daughter is dyslexic and one of her issues is that she has no concept of time....so each morning we set a digital cooking timer when he needs to clean her teeth etc so that we can get out of the house in time! it has reduced the number of stressful late morning departures dramatically.

I have learned to apologise when I am in the wrong or having a bad day!

I am sure there are millions of things we all do every day to be better parents but I think we have to remember that we are in a marathon and little by little we cover a lot of ground!

((hugs)) SP

P
xx

[FindingJules]

Oh I just posted something like this on another post....

A few years back, in the summer, I was staying home with my kids.  A planner I am NOT and I felt like I was just letting time go.  Our three are INCREDIBLY different kids.  So....on Sunday I would "draw a name" for each day of the week (I always got Thursdays because that was leftover night...).  That day that kid was responsible for ALL decisions....where to go, what to do, what was for dinner.  Gave them the reigns.  Totally got me out of making decisions (Thursday was also pool day.  Always .  They'd help me with making dinner which gave us some one/one time. 

Now...three years later....all of them can make one meal (ages 13, 11 and .  The D11 is an especially good cook and can really whip up quite a bit!  The others will often just put something in the oven that I either had frozen or previously prepped...but it makes a HUGE difference when they can put it in at 4:30 and it's ready for the table when I walk in at 6 from work.  I think that summer (and other times...) helped to build their confidence.

[NoRegrets]

How would you feel about letting the kids sleep in your room on the floor? Put mattresses on the floor near your bed? I think this is sweet. Maybe read to them before bed, or all go to bed together and start a discussion--"What was the funniest thing that happened today?" And you all take turns. Or read to them? Eventually they will want to sleep on their own, but I am quite sure they do need reassurances from you. And you are exhausted by being a single parent. But aren't they sweet? Just revel in the closeness that they need. Maybe all have a slumber party in the living room every night. None of this is permanent--honest. Believe me, they will be up and gone before you know it. The closeness right now will pay off in SPADES! They will be more cooperative when they are older, with a little investment now. Cuddle with them as much as they want.

What about picking out their clothes the night before? My youngest had a problem getting dressed in the morning. I threatened to take him to school in whatever he was wearing. Finally the day came I told him to get in the car in his underwear and a blanket. "Yay! I get to wear a blanket to school!" he replied. My great plan backfired. Well, he got dressed before leaving the car. You can try that--just be calm and tell them they can get dressed in the car when it's time to leave. I SWEAR in a few years this will all be funny. You'll have great memories. I know I do. Just let them know ahead of time that if they are not dressed by such and such a time when you have to leave, they will have to get dressed in the car. Just matter of a fact, no frustration, act like it's such a great idea. They'll hate it enough to be self-motivated.

[Stillpraying]

Thank you all.  What fantastic advice.  Some of the ideas I do but there are some new ones.
No regrets, your youngest sounds like my S8.  So smug when I tell him we are leaving and hes not dressed.  yep, I had to carry him to the car in his PJ's.  He's my toughest.
They did all help to tidy up tonight in readiness for my property valuation which is tomorrow (for the refinancing).  S10 did a wonderful job and I can see the floor now.
One of the keys for me is MF's tip about getting up earlier than the kids.  I'm finding it so difficult but I know this would help enourmously.  Once in bed I just don't want to get out.
The kids sleep in there sometimes still but I have had months of them in bed with me, even all 4 some nights!!!

I know I am not coping well and taking it out on them so I need to find a way to sort that out.  I need to be more organised so we can ENJOY each other.
The cooking is great.  Mine love to help and S10 recently made a packet mix cup cake on his own with out even asking me.  he also mowed the lawn last week and told me after that he did it.
I clearly have a lot on at the moment and need to find some balance and a way to be able to look after myself too.

I'd like any advice with the issue I have at present where H has refused to go back to mediation as he is happy with current arrangements.  We had a plan a year ago and I wanted to update it.  Something I really want to do on an annaul basis as the kids grown and our circumstances change.  H is happy becuase he just dumps his responsibilities and goes away for the weekend and leaves me to have to stay home from work on the Monday to pick up D3 from kinder and the boys from school.  If I don't do anythign he can do what he likes and actaully does just that.  On the most part he sticks to the regular stuff but i can't just take days off work to assist his entitled weekends away as he calls it.  Makes me so mad but I don't want to react that way.  I know I have to plan my response or actions.  Any thoughts?

Thanks,
keep the tips coming, they're great.  A bagful of gems!!!!
SP

[toughtimes]

Such lovely ideas, I don't have time to write more as my D2 is having a running race in the lounge!

Will check in later when kids in bed.

Great, great idea, I need advice and help as the children are my biggest worry.

xxxx

[Stillpraying]

LOL.  That's a great idea!!  Running races with the kids

[Moving Forward]

I found this today and thought it may provide some food for thought

xx

[NoRegrets]

That is awesome. Just beautiful!

[toughtimes]

I love this.

I must say I do most of these, but I do need to turn off the phone, computer, tv more. Feel bad about that one.

Us single LBSs are truly awesome, non?

My two are S7 and D2, I was a mess for a couple of months after BD, managed to do all the right things, left crying and sadness till after they were in bed, but so preoccupied. I am more in the moment with them now and there is a lot of joy in our house. We laugh a lot!

Can anyone share how they told their children about H or W leaving? Did you tell them together? What did you say?

I have some very instinctive ideas based on the character and age of my son but just wondered what you guys might have said.

Keep being awesome mums and dads xxx