[Peony2012]

I think my H was in MLC about 2 years before BD - I didn't know of MLC then so I didn't see the signs. Looking back, I remember him being moody, he started critizising me, worked extremely long hours and we didn't really have a life together anyway. It did bug me at the time, but as he had just started his own business I thought it was 'normal'.... 
So ignorance was bliss I guess.

He left September 2010 and I have to be honest and say I'm glad he did (did I just say that??) - I have no idea how I would have coped with him being here.

I do know for me personally that I have always felt that the decision to leave, as much as the decision he has already made to destroy our family, has to come from him.  I will not decide that for him.  It has to be completely on his shoulders.   It is something I feel strongly about. I am sure I will get lambasted for it as I have in the past, but it is what I have decided for me.  It is a personal decision.  Having a live in MLCer is pure hell. 

trusting, I completely get you. For me this relates to the decision of D and/or selling the house. I also feel strongly that HE has to do the work if that's what he wants. So I get you.
I'm really sorry it's tough for you with him being at home.

Peony x

[Dontgiveup]

Here's the blog RCR wrote on this subject

http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/?p=265

[Anjae]

OP, it does not matter to the MLCer and to the crisis in itself. It may matter, and a lot, to be LBS. Would never want mine around in the state he is in. Would not know what to do with a low energy one. Mine’s crisis started way before he left I now manage to see but it took him a long time until he become impossible to be around. And OW1 did not exist in his early/pre-MLC times.

I’m already in the future, husband is still in Replay. We remain legally married but I found it more likely to meet someone I may want to spend the rest of my life with than to have a reconciled marriage. To me only an whole person would do. Husband if far, far from it.

[FindingJoJo]

I am glad that H leaves when he monsters or cycles what ever you want to call it.  This last time he has a picture in his head of a loving person and not the crazy woman from first BD.  I am at more peace with him gone while I focus my energy on me.  I get frustrated when he sends me loving things but even with that I know he is going to hop away because he scared himself, yet I don't have to see it. 

I told him to stop playing with my emotions and focus on himself.  Whether he does it I don't know.  I see how hard it is to have them constantly around and I am very grateful for my peace and quiet, glad my children are grown and if I want to turn my phone off, or put my pjs on and relax without dealing I certainly can.  I couldn't do those things if he was in the home. 

When I hear how much someone misses their H I remember thinking the same thing - now I think be careful what you ask for......lol. 

[Chickpea]

Good point, FJJ- I say I miss my H but when I really think about his personality change from nice guy to a fidgety, angry, spaced out man, who constantly either sat quiet or ran around in circles blaming me for everything that ever had gone wrong in his life- I too am glad he is away. 

[superdog]

I think a lot of us make the same point.

A person NEEDS to have a place and feeling of emotional safety. When we have the mlc man or woman in our place of supposed safety we are putting ourselves and our families in harms way every time we walk through the door. I say let the mlcer deal with themselves. Look after yourself and your families and don't fall into the trap, of probably our lifetimes as women, of putting them before us. They are doing that for themselves anyway right now and not giving us a second thought. They'll see eventually.

Personally i feel much safer since he has gone and i don't have to be on edge the whole time protecting my kids from his angry moods and rejections.

On a side issue, just looking fr anyone similar......... my h is passive aggressive and has avoidant personality. Don't knw if this is something to d with that or mlc itself, but my h still does not see me as a separate person from him. He believes that i feel and think the same way he does and when angry will tell me how i feel. Which is actually hs feelings. Projection yes, but with a twist.

SD
x

[Stillpraying]

Given my H moved on to OW 2 before he even left OW 1 and also physically abused her on the way out, I am glad he's not living here.

I completely understand trusting's stance as that is also mine in terms of filing for D.  I told my H he needed to go after the 5th time he said he didn't want to be married and after already having left and returned and asking me to help him work on it.  But he did not work himself.  I simply had enough after 18months of BS and did not want the kids and I to go through all the rubbish again.

[kikki]

On a side issue, just looking fr anyone similar......... my h is passive aggressive and has avoidant personality. Don't knw if this is something to d with that or mlc itself, but my h still does not see me as a separate person from him. He believes that i feel and think the same way he does and when angry will tell me how i feel. Which is actually hs feelings. Projection yes, but with a twist.

SD, I saw this behaviour for the longest time too (during the crisis only).  It does seem to be easing up in recent months.

Have you read the Depression signs in MLC?  The very first on the list is that MLCers see themselves and their spouses as one person.

Depression sign #1: MLC'ERS WILL OFTEN VIEW THEIR LBS AND THEMSELVES AS ONE PERSON

The reason behind the MLC'ers lack of boundaries comes because they do not view their LBS separate from themselves. They are so engulfed in negativity that they do not think clearly. As MLC'ers look to their loved ones to define and deliver their happiness, MLC'er eventually feel betrayed due to happiness being an internal thing not external. This "feeling" of betrayal may cause some of the anger we see in our MLC'ers.

[NoRegrets]

I say they should go.

Nobody should put up with abuse, and an in-your-face affair is abusive, as is monster, as is all sorts of MLC manipulation.

And parenting your spouse is not a healthy relationship, either.


I was a wreck for the month that xH lived at home, and I know this time is damaging to the kids, as well.

[superdog]

Thanks Kiki for the bit about the depression signs.

We have got past the "SD's to blame thing" he knows and tells me i am not. But he still continues to see me as having HIS feelings. I don't know what all this trauma does to our own memories but I can't honestly remember whether he did this before or not. I guess i was so in love that i didn't see a lot of things through my rose tinted glasses.

I'm afraid i hollered at my h one day about his emotionaly abusive behaviour towards us. He was so offended  at being told that his wife was in an abusive relationship with him. That one hit big because his "friend" is allegedly abused physcally by her own h and there i was comparing the two of them only one made bruises that didn't show on the outside!!. Not a happy h at that one. He firmly believed that he was "better" than her h and was supposed to be showing her that all men weren't like that. Hmmmmm........ just shows ya these crazy women know nothing.

I totally believe that they all should go. I so understand and everyone is entitled to how they feel about it, but for me i felt like i lost all sense of self respect allowing and i mean allowing myself and my kids to be treated in this manner. No matter who he is he had no right and still doesn't and never will again as far as i am concerned.

SD
x

Even families who live with someone in a "normal" depressive state are offerred respite. It's seriously hard work