[superdog]

I suppose ths discussion will more be about the low energy types who hang around for a long time.

When all this first started and i eventually found this site and all the information on mlc i took it as a good sign that my h had not upped and left at the first BD. I even felt like such a failure when he would alk about leaving etc.

Hindsight is wonderful i know, but looking back now to 2009 when BD happened i truly wish that h had gone then. I bitterly regret keeping me and my kids in the the whole mlc situation for such a long time. I firmly believe that damage woudl have been done anyway but if h had gone it would have been much more limited.

I know there is a lot of talk on here about not asking h/w to leave but i firmly think that families should not be together with an mlcer.

I also believe that an lbs can only heal and detach properly when they are left alone to do so. We need the space to do the work on ourselves just as much. As any changes are for us and not our mlcer then them being gone should make no difference. The mlcer will come back if he is going to, if he likes what he finds then great if he doesn't then great for us we've made better people of ourselves regardless.

I just wanted to debate the whole concept as certainly in my sitch if i had my time again i would not have had him here.

??

SD
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[trusting]

I have a live in who has been here the whole time so far, living separately from the family though.  BD was in March of 2009.  Yes, it is very very stressful to have him around and it does hinder my detachment and probably my healing too.  I don't know if not leaving has slowed down his MLC progress or not. 

I do know for me personally that I have always felt that the decision to leave, as much as the decision he has already made to destroy our family, has to come from him.  I will not decide that for him.  It has to be completely on his shoulders.   It is something I feel strongly about. I am sure I will get lambasted for it as I have in the past, but it is what I have decided for me.  It is a personal decision.  Having a live in MLCer is pure hell. 

[Ready2Transform]

Mine was in house with MLC at least 2 years before leaving.  My own crisis saved me from this completely destroying me, strange as it sounds, but I can't imagine being the person I am now with a live-in MLCer.  The only way for my crisis to end and my life to get back on track was for him to not be here, painful as it was, and to be financially cut off.  I tip my hat to all of you who are trying to manage day-in, day-out with this.  If H were to wake up tomorrow, I think this forum has taught me that my best bet would still to be living separately for an extended period.

[limitless]

When they leave....you are left to wonder if they will ever return.

When they stay....it sounds like they aren't really here anyway.

I can't believe that I am writing this....but, for me, I don't think I could have reached a decent level of detachment with my MLCer still at home.

Either way - none of this is easy.

JMHO.

L

[OldPilot]

I am starting to believe it doesn't  really matter.

Just set your calendar alarm for a date in the future and get on living.

[trusting]

ust set your calendar alarm for a date in the future and get on living.

A long way in the future.  MLC really does take more time than you ever thought possible.  I hate to say it, but it is true.

[Chrysalis]

I find this one really difficult to answer.  My ex went three weeks after BD at my insistence as he was meeting up with OW every night.  However, I see him most weekdays as we work together in the same team.  So, he spends his leisure time with OW and is near to me in his work time. 

We get on well at work - like we did before we actually got together (I worry that I am enabling him to cake-eat).  I do find it very hard to detach though as I am seeing him - even though OW seems to be the one he really wants to spend his time with.

I don't regret asking him to leave though.  I think he would have done anyway at some point - it just might have taken him a bit longer.

In the end I suspect it doesn't make any difference to the MLCer - just makes it harder for the LBS to detach.

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

My H lived with me from BD in March 2011 through May 2012.  To paraphrase Axl Rose... "It's been fourteen months of silence, it's been fourteen months of pain, it's been fourteen months that are gone forever and I'll never have again..."  I just did that?

Okay so anyway, all I can do is to give you my experience.  I was a mess while my H lived at home.  I hated going home, every day.  I hated seeing his vehicle in the lot when I would get home.  If I got home before him, I hated looking out the window to see his vehicle pulling into the lot.  I was physically, emotionally and mentally drained.  My health suffered, sleep suffered, and appetite suffered.  It SUCKed with a capital SUCK.  However, when he left, the first couple months I was even more of a wreck.
Now I'm doing so much better.  I actually eat.  I actually sleep.  My doctors tell me I'm now in terrific shape, and are impressed.
Having said all that, I would never recommend telling them they need to leave.  As much turmoil as I was in, it was better that his leaving be solely his decision.  See, in MLC they already do that whole "poor me I have never ever ever gotten a chance to make decisions for myself"; also it was my way of letting him know I'm tougher than him and could take whatever he gave out.

[trusting]

As much turmoil as I was in, it was better that his leaving be solely his decision.  See, in MLC they already do that whole "poor me I have never ever ever gotten a chance to make decisions for myself"

Exactly.  That is why I won't do it.  Funny, I was just remembering a conversation I had with my H over the summer and he basically "blamed" me that things were still in limbo.  In other words, I guess he expects me to get the ball rolling to completely destroy our family.  Not going to happen.  He seems to forget that he is the one who left the family.  It was all him.   MLCers are expert blamers.

[superdog]

Thanks for debating this one.

I have a lot of personal guilt over my children and the damage that has been done to their lives. I have beaten myself up ( until i sought counselling) that i watched their father treat them the way he did. My kids were 5 when this started. I know i have done a good job bringing them up on my own the last few years even when h was here i was a single parent.  BUT i could have perhaps taken them away sooner and i wrestled constantly with that thought.

My h said a couple of times that he wanted to leave, so i am afraid i used that back on him the times i told him to go. I know manipulation is not big and not clever, but desperation makes us do things we wouldn't normally do.

Maybe OP has a point about it not making a difference to them. My debate is about us and our families and what is best for our own emotional well being. MLCers are gone emotionally anyway, so their physical presence only brings unneccesary heartache, stress and anxiety.

I think that MLCers will see it all in the end anyway and for us to sacrifice ourelves just to teach them about choices is not a healthy way to live. Emotional damage forever versus being blames for something we know is not true anyway??

I have read a few things here recently and thought it right to try and let people see that strength comes and that the LBS does have more choices than we think we do at the  time. Just takes time to believe that.

Just for the record live in mlcers, OMG biggest test of character you'll ever have.

SD
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