[ece711]

LIW, to answer the question "How to handle a vanisher" in my humble opinion probably depends on each individual situation.  In my case my ex-wife divorced me 2 1/2 years ago.  So I would not be able to distinguish whether she infact is a vanisher or being divorced really meant the end of any contact.  Which leaves me no choice but to be also behave the same.  By law I no longer can give out any bounderies regarding any relationship she has with her BF, and no longer can give out truth darts on how their relationship started, because her decision was fast/swift.  This way no can question how they ended up together.  She can always say that she ended our relationship legally prior to being with another person.

This vanishing act they do to you can be actually turned to your advantage...  use this time to learn new things, find out what you can do without anyone's help.  In this case "If" or "when" they see that you have changed then "maybe" when they are ready they will realize what they have done and you may start seeing some movement on their part.  But remind yourself all the time that your change is for you and not them.  You will find yourself being a whole person again.

[hampc0cv]

I also have a vanisher.  He left May 2010 and I have not seen him since Dec 2010.  He filed for divorce in July of 2010 and it was final in Jan 2011.  I wish he would contact me but I just talked to my oldest and she said she thinks the reason he does not contact is that he is ashamed of what he has done.  I told her he should be.  I also said that I don't think he ever knew how much I loved him even tho I told him all the time and did things to show him I did. 

I don't understand it and it is hard to go on but I do.  I don't like being by myself.  I am very lonely and still have my moments but then I go on.  I am involved in my church and have really good people who have helped me with a lot of things my H refused to do.  He just quit doing things before he walked out.  He totally changed and then told me he needed time to figure out things with himself and then was living with ow 4 weeks after he left.  Now how can he figure things out with himself if he is with ow?  This I do not understand.  Why is he with her.  I know they say it is part of MLC but it doesn't make since if you want to figure things out with yourself. 

I do see my ex in his work truck once in a while but that is it.  I don't look because I am afraid he will snub me and that will hurt even more.  I say he hates me but oldest said he doesn't.  She said he told her that.  Then what the Heck is his problem.  At least I would talk to him if I had left. 

Sorry I can't give you any hope as I have none.  Hang in there and keep praying.  God does miracles.

Hampt

[Anjae]

Well, I think you don'te handle a vanisher. You let him/her be a vanisher. Since he become an on and off and afterwards,  a vanisher, I only contacted my husband if there has been a death in the family,  for tax relate issues or when there was an earthquake where he lives.

He has only contacted me to thanks for my condolences when is grandmother passed away and when one of our pets, that were with him, was dying.

Since OW2 and the 1st falt divorce process he started I went NC. So, maybe is vanishing is a combination of my NC and him had become a Vanisher.

With OW1, at first, he was a clingy boomerang, after I moved back to our town turned into a boomerang.

But I've been having much more peace of mind since NC and Vanishing and much more space and time to heal. I don't need to see monster in a daily, several times a week basis,  there are no silly arguments, etc.

[Anjae]

I would like to fined out more about the vanisher MLCer that is flaunting OW everywhere. It seems most vanishers seem to lay low but not mine.

My vanisher also flaunts OW2 all around the city they live at. Takes her on hollidays abroad, brings her to his family (or used to since he has not come to our home time for over a year, not even for christmas). He is high energy MLCer and what  I hear through thr grapevine lets me know he is always on the go and barely spleep. He just work like thre's no tomorrow, parties hardy, and moves around the country and abroad.

[honour]

Well, I think you don't handle a vanisher. You let him/her be a vanisher.

I agree. They vanish, they have gone. Since they have gone your question probably means should you email, text or phone? I have not seen my MLCer since 4th Dec 2010, there has been no text, no email, no calls. I know she is still alive because the divorce is going ahead. She is 600 miles away across the sea in a different country. D21 and S19 do not see her. They receive the occasional text which they spurn. If I emailed or texted her, what would I say? What would I be trying to achieve?
I worry about her, of course I do, I spent 33 years caring about her and loving her. I can't just switch that off. I think I would only attempt contact with her if I thought it would help her in some way but I have to assume the life she has chosen now is the one she wants and doesn't need any help from me. So No Contact.

Will they forget you?  Think you don't care?

Hard to say. But they are in "lurve" baby. Their head is full of someone else. I suspect they don't care whether you care or not.

There is no "handling" a Vanisher. It is now about how you handle yourself. It is a time for emotional and spiritual renewal. What is the most important thing in your life right now? What is your highest priority?

honour

[Tigger]

My wife is a vanisher, BD was May/2011 I have not seen nor heard from her since except a rare e-mail for business purposes for insurance or something, and even that i think was done by the om. She did have lunch with one of our daughters a few weeks ago while she was visiting. Our dauhters are afraid that they will do the same thing now, they are deathly afraid for their relationships, it is so sad really. I am glad though becayuse when it first happened we had limited contact and of course not know what was going on reacted badly to the things she was doing. I am kind of glad that I have no contact because even the limited contact I had was causing me to go into a manic/depressive cycle that was getting worse with time. Now my emotions are stabilizing, I miss her immensely, she has told friends that she misses her life with me and her home, she has put out feelers about coming home, she told a friend that she knows she has hurt me more than anyone in my has ever, and she would be right with that. I don't know what I am doing half the time, i just have to keep moving forward, the thought of her coming home scares the hell out of me, I have not seen her in so long i do not even know what we will talk about, we are different people now, I dont know where this will go, or even if it will happen, although she has expressed the desire, she has made no contact attempt.

[Tigger]

Thanks GP
That's a good perspective on it, that the contact, even very limited, simply fuels the fire and pushes them into negative action. Still can't help wondering if there are similarities in personality type that makes some MLCers more likely to vanish. Certainly I know mine avoided confrontation, and still is, he never talked about his feelings and was very secretive. I suppose if I'm being honest he is not a strong person. Does that ring any bells for anyone??

even a simple e-mail and next thing I got was a change of address for all her mail

[onedayatatime]

My ex h is a vanisher.  BD was 2/16/10.  He went thru the motions of "mending" our reln. for two months , but he was already running and just picked up speed.  He bullied me into a divorce, but had I known then what I know now I would have handled the situation differently,  alas it is what it is.   I chose nc for my own benefit long before I suspected what was going on.  He told me I could call him anytime for anything.  Exh is classic MLC and following the script to the T.  He became polar opposite of the person I had known and loved the last seventeen years and I knew instinctively I could not help him other than praying for him.  He does respond to my business emails timely, but thankfully they are far and few between.  I saw him two months after our divorce (8/12/10), and he was smiling ear to ear and said "hi" & paid me a compliment.  Although my verbal response was thank you, he got my real response, FU, and took off running again.  I still feel married in my heart & love and miss him every day. Around Jan. 2011, I had an emotional break thru, which  has allowed me to move forward and start the process of forgiveness. It has really helped me heal and get back "me." 

[free]

I was married 24 years. The last 4 years were to a vanisher who fell "in love" with his "soulmate", "cosmic twin" and "mirror image". I think we had a wonderful marriage.  But the years before he vanished were stressful due to things that had nothing to do with our marriage. As all this accumulated husband was in his mid 40s. By age 48, I would guess he was entering a phase that I now believe was active depression. He would say things like "Why does this always happen to me?" (and honestly, the man has had a VERY blessed life all in all). He became excessive in his desire to help other people ... especially other women. It was pretty clear he was doing this for his own ego: to be told what a good man he was. In going out of his way to help others, and be seen as such a fabulous kind of man, he would not be around to be a father, or husband. And too, he would complain about how much work there was to do around our home, yet gladly take on work for other people doing basically the same thing (for free), for the neighbors.

Just before he met the other woman, and vanished to be with her, he told me he did not know who he was. And he said he could not feel. And no matter how much I told him I loved him. No matter what I did for him... he did not feel appreciated. I remember telling him he had a leak in his appreciation tank. And that if he left the family for his soulmate ... or anyone ... he was blind to this diamond mine of love that was the family he had created with me. It did not matter. He left and went directly to live with the "soulmate". They are still together, and recently married.

He has effectively wiped me out of his life. Even when he meets with old friends of ours, they tell me he NEVER mentions me. And when they bring up my name, he NEVER responds. Several people have told me it as if he never knew me, has no memory of me, or our marriage.

When he vanished, H pretty much vanished from our children's lives too. Just prior to vanishing, he was not able to express any interest in them, or what they were doing in their lives (they were 14 and 16 at the time). Now, 5 years later, he is starting to express SOME interest in them by calling several times a month, and inviting them to come visit him.

Will he come back? I dunno. I thought for sure he would ... and I guess I was obvious in this, because in divorce proceedings he told me "you are never going to remarry. You think I am going to come back to you!". Well... yeah.  And he hated this. He saw my standing for our marriage as me doing something to spite him, and keep getting spouse support. I guess this kept burning away in him, so he hauled me back into court a year after our divorce was final, to have our divorce agreement modified so I do not get spouse support. He pointedly told me "I do not want to see you, hear from you, or speak to you ever again". He also said that I hurt him. 

At this point I try to practice just being neutral about it all. I recognize all this is IN him. It is his stuff to work through. (Or not). I continue to hold dear the memory of who he was, and try to have compassion for this being he is now. It has been so long now, I think I do not know who he is. But we have 20 good years of history together. It seems he has no ability to remember any of this now. So, I simply look forward to his emergence from MLC, and hope for a future with him in my life as a friend, laughing about all of this with great empathy. In friendship, and with forgiveness for the pain of the past, I hope to celebrate the wonders of our children, and perhaps our grand children with him. I do not know if this will be so. But I hold this picture in my mind as a possibility.

[Tigger]

I do not know if having them gone is good or bad, sometimes I wish she was there even if it meant her berating me constantly, just to know she is ok and maybe have some hope that she would come back to me.
At this point I juyst do not know what will happen, she was a loving, kind hearted person, who has lost her way for some reason, I do know that in the last months before BD she started talking a little about the hurts of her childhood, I had hoped she would work it out, but apparently she cannot do that with the man that really loves her, she finds it better with someone who she even admitted she doesnt really know.
We will see It is still early for me compared to some of you, My last communication in an e-mail I toold her I was here for her either as her husband or her friend, whether she believed it or not, but the choice was hers to make. oh well we will see what happens