Do vanishers commonly have INTIMACY problems? Do other vanishers TEND to have problems with being matter of fact with discussing sex? Obviously a vanisher NEVER has sex with the LBS, because they have vanished. My H has issues to do with motherhood (our sex life changed from the moment I was pregnant the first time and never recovered and not for lack of me trying). He NEVER wanted to discuss sex in a open and liberal fashion. He was like a cross between a prudish nun and silly school boy. I know for sure (I was a virgin when we met, so not really aware of what other men were like, but I have since had experiences with other men that demonstrated a much more open (and healthy?) approach to sexual intimacy than I remember EVER having with H.
S&D - my ex h was the same as yours, very much a prude when it came to sex and not very experienced. By the time he left though his personality had completely changed... I could tell he was different about his sexuality.
I just let him be a vanisher because I feel like this is what he needs to do (meaning I don't force myself on him) but he knows I'm waiting. However it is very painful and leaves doubt of little hope some days but I have to rely on my faith that God knows what He's doing. I also believe he's a vanisher because I could not handle knowing his every move and if there "is" OW in his life. Something I can tell you about him was that he was a loner, not very close to his family and could put off his friends. After 24 months of BD he has pretty much walked out on everyone, me, daughter, family (mom, sisters), old friends. I know at one time he had reconnected with his high school friends, I have no idea if he still sees them or talks with them. He will NOT do anything for us except give us money. The house is his but when I contact him to discuss issues, it's always get it fixed and let him know. We need firewood and I was over at his friends house the other night seeing him and his wife. He walked out with me as I was leaving telling me to stop by and see his wife (she is dying) because she's not doing well. He proceeded to tell me ex h called him about getting us some firewood and he would try and get us some this weekend. Now his wife is sick and dying and my ex h calls him to do something for me. Ex H will not show up for anything at school for our D17, there is always an excuse mostly work.
I send him email about finances and to give him updates on our D17. I sent an email the week of Thanksgiving telling him we were going to FL our home state and that our D was going to see his family. I told him to have a safe and happy Thanksgiving. I asked D on Thanksgiving Day if she had heard from him, "of course not". I said well if I knew he was at his sisters I would have him meet us half way. She said I bet you a million dollars he's not there, when we we're a family he would never choose to be with them why would he now. Then she said speak of the devil and he called her. She spoke with him the required one minute then he asked to speak with me. Said he got invited to a hunting camp in AL and that's where he was at for the day. Got to his sister house, everyone hugged me his mom came in and hugged me spoke with me, said I looked good. When D came home she said grandmother said the last time she seen son was in July at a funeral for about 10 minutes.
I think my Ex H vanished to try and make it easier on me (in his head) but this hurts his child. Which is totally against his "old" way of thinking. Then in my thinking I think he vanished because our love/friendship/family is such a strong bond and he feels the pull is too much for him. That if he comes around us he will get sucked back in and he does not want to be here. I give him his space and every once in awhile let him know I am praying for him and here. It's hard to know what is right and what is wrong...I let my faith guide me. I try and shower him with kindness and love and not get into any confrontations with him. Maybe if he feels the love and kindness it will spark a change in his heart...I'm of the faith that anything can happen at anytime.
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Vanisher