[honour]

Mine is a vanisher. I haven't seen her in thirteen months. Zero contact. In all that time she has had one face-to-face meeting with S19. Zero contact with D22 for sixteen months.

She is apparently still alive.

honour

[leftylulu]

It will be two years Feb. 5 that mine has vanished. I've had about 5 texts in that time and the last time I recieved a text was Nov. 2010.

[MLCwife]

I do not think you should base your hope on whether you SEE the vanisher or not.
I know it FEELS better to have a sign. But I do not think that it has anything to do with what is going on during this crisis.
Your hope needs to be based on the love that YOU have inside.
You are the one that will get to make the final say.
SO your HOPE needs to be focused there, not on the MLC'er.

RCR says that MLC takes TIME, and TRUST the PROCESS.
Find HOPE in those two things and with in yourself that you can control YOU!
Because YOU have no CONTROL over your MLC'er during the CRISIS.
That much I am sure about.

I hope that helps.

[mercury]

I have a vanisher, I've seen him only twice in the last two years. I get about 3 text a year and that is all.  Try to except that at least we don't have to experience monster or OW thrown in our faces. Each MLC is a little different and a lot the same amount of contact or no contact varies as they cycle. Move your focus onto you and your 2 year old, as MLCwife stated you can control only you and you two are the most important. Letting go of a vanisher is just as hard as letting go of any other type (I believe), but letting them go is all we can do. Paving the way with a vanisher is more like make your own way in life but leaving the door open for them to walk through, the real hard part is trying not to spend all day look over your shoulder for them.
 

[Foxberry]

I'm married to a Vanisher too..haven't seen him since May 2011 and my last contact with H was a telephone call instigated by me incidentally last July... nothing at all since.

He emails our S when he has to over financial stuff, but that's it.   I have, I feel, learnt that NC is far better for Me, it has enabled me to get on with my life without Monster...my H also lives with OW 200 miles away so no chance of "bumping into each other"... through S recently learnt that he is now renting a flat 6 mins away from where he works, as it was taking him two and a half hours each way to work.... (too much thinking time!  )   so who knows in his world what is happening...living with OW, not living with OW....but it doesn't stop my life from carrying on in the best way I can....

I'm learning, ever so slowly, to stop "scratching at the scab"  that way it will heal......and hopefully the new life will emerge bright, shiny and new        For me a Vanisher, is the best I could have had....

Love and hugs
Foxy xxx

[With Hope]

I agree that dealing with the day to day drama would have killed me but I would give almost anything for a glimmer of SOMETHING positive...some signs of regret, or remorse or something.  WE shared a lot of experiences and had plans for the future...I know, we ALL did.   

I know.  It's MLC so nothing makes sense.  I guess I would like to see something.  The GAL thing is really hard with a 2-year old.  She IS my life and knowing that he is missing out on it...and that she WILL be effected by all of this for the rest of her life if he doesn't come out of the fog...kills me.  I thought that my life was going to be a family...now it's being a crazed, stressed, single-mom!  REALLY?  Sorry, I am just feeling like these Vanishers are the least likely to come back. I want to have hope.  I would like to trade my Vanisher for a Clingy Boomerang please?!?!  Ugh.  Just trying to find that hope because mine is really failing me right about now. 

[Mitzpah]

With Hope,

On Rejoice Marriage Ministries, there are testimonies of marriage restoration even when the spouse disappears for a season... Look at what Charlyne says in her Question and Answer Section:

Q5: Did you ever hear of a marriage being restored when there is no contact with the absent spouse?
Charlyne responds:
Yes. The Lord is the one that is moving circumstances on the other side of your mountain. You are praying and standing for the Lord to touch and change your spouse's heart. It is not you speaking, pleading or manipulating your spouse to come home. It is your Lord speaking to your spouse to, "Go Home!"

So, I believe that if we take our journeys and keep on praying, God moves!

I don't know of any cases and I also think I would like a CB , but God knows better for me. I choose to trust.

[With Hope]

Thanks Mitzpah.  I am an addict to RMM and have seen that but I also am confusing myself with the promises from God. HAS God really promised ME that MY marriage will be restored?  Charlyne often states to believe in what God has promised you for marital restoration...I don't know if HE has told me anything. I know that He can...but don't know if He will!  So frustrating. 

Sorry, just struggling as I approach next week's 1-year anniversary of my H's move out. I know I'm still "early" in all of this but the pain and panic feels like it's setting in again with the approach of next week.  I would love to just see something. 

I am trusting that God will work things out as is His will, but wish He would give me a little insight.  My H is a conflict avoider with certain things that are emotional...so maybe that is why he turned out to be a Vanisher.  He used to claim that he was too effected by feeling pity for someone...apparently he got over that issue because he seems to have no pity for me! 

[Foxberry]

Dear With Hope and Mitzpah,

I too wish I had some sign of sadness, remorse, missing me etc., etc., but my H makes no effort with his gorgeous ONLY Son and only living relative apart from one Uncle who he hasn't spoken to in 7 years!  But H doesn't, he doesn't ask how his Son is let alone ask about me; he cannot bear to be reminded of what he has done...so he does not enquire - hence not having to listen to the answer...remember H is "happy"  to hear about his previous life, may "rock his new happy boat"....

We as LBSs do not choose what type of MLCer we get....if we could we would choose NOT to have our H's in MLC at all...There are no certainties in life, I know that now, the only certainty is that there is a tomorrow and the way we live it is OUR choice...not our H's....

Many on this Forum have Boomerangs, Clinging Bs etc., but they too will say there are dreadful times with their MLCers being around.  I have several wonderful friends from this Forum who don't have Vanishers but have a mixture of Vanisher and B's reappearing occasionally; but that is painful too...so we are all the same really - just in a different way.....

For me, to see my H come and go would be heart-breaking....so maybe my God knows what I can cope with and what is best for me lol     Because to see my H and think about the happy times we had would be more than I could bare....

We each have our own cross to carry and carry it we must....for we are bigger than MLC.  None of us asked to be in this place -and would have done anything for this not to have happened...so we must carry one.....carrying that flicker inside of us, but if H doesn't come back what then? Do we give up? NO....our MLCers are carrying on their lives...we must do the same...believe me I know hard this is...I live it every day and sometimes..feel very sorry for myself and rant!  You can ask Voyager!!!!! lol But I love my Son and my friends and family and will NOT let this MLC take another minute of my life in pain.... Let's rally round each other on this Site and be there for each other no matter what.... 

None of this is easy but it is easier with each other.....

Love and hugs always
Foxy xxx

[With Hope]

Thanks Foxberry. I responded to your PM as well.  I agree with what you wrote.  We all wish that we didn't have be even be here.  Wish we could all know eachother under completely different circumstances.  I mentioned this in my PM that we are all such caring, compassionate people...it's hard to believe that we would be LBS.  I know that we all have our own issues, but the fact that we are here supporting one another says so much about each of us.  We will get through this...together. 

Thanks.

WH