[hurt01]

I would like to fined out more about the vanisher MLCer that is flaunting OW everywhere. It seems most vanishers seem to lay low but not mine.

My H also avoided conflict with me, but wasn,t botherd by telling other people what he thought . He has maintained contact with his family as long as they except OW. But if they don,t except what he is doing it makes him angry and he lashes out. Our S24 and D22 doesn,t have contact with H anymore because they don,t want to be around OW. So bottom line with my vanisher if OW cant come then he want either.

And I wonder with some vanishers if it,s not a case of out of site out of mind kinda thing. If they dont see you maybe they will just completely forget you and it will ease their guilt. My H told my D22 he wanted to forget everything from his past and get rid of anything that reminded him of his past.

[ece711]

I wonder with some vanishers if it,s not a case of out of site out of mind kinda thing. If they dont see you maybe they will just completely forget you and it will ease their guilt. My H told my D22 he wanted to forget everything from his past and get rid of anything that reminded him of his past.

Hurt01,

  Let's just say for topic purposes that it is "out of sight out of mind kinda thing", my question is, "what can we do or better yet what will we do about it ?"  As they mention here or in any other sites we have no control in their journey.  Sometimes the Lord gives us a chance for us to discover ourselves too, use this time wisely.  Every thing happens for a reason and if we allow ourselves to be consumed with every single thing we hear or see our spouse/ex/stbx then we might not hear what the Lord is trying to tell us because our mind is so busy being in this drama.  Let go and watch what happens...  leave it up to the Lord and he'll take care of the rest, you know he will not abandon you.

[Voyager]

Hi E711 and H01
I definitely have an h who is completely burying his head in the sand and is addicted to secrecy and control. My D said today that it's as if we are all toys, and that we all go to sleep when he does and wake up when he does, ready to assume our roles and be kept in that role by him.
I think for LBS with vanishers or any other type the process of detachment is essential, in any event. But getting to that point is the hardest part of the journey, H01.
 You say he's a flaunting vanisher, so he is public with everyone else except you?
I think his wanting to erase the past etc is guilt, guilt and more guilt. it's impossible to do and he will know that somewhere. Maybe yours is more high energy than mine, he certainly seems to be making quite a splash with it all.

There's something about the approach of vanishers and I can't quite put my finger on it, but I suspect it is a reaction to guilt that fuels a sort of escape mechanism, why them and not other MLCers, I don't know and would love to find out.

 Is it a lack of emotional maturity or insight that somehow isn't as well developed in them as in other spouses? Certainly some of the MLCers on this site seem to at least know they are confused and messed up, even though that doesn't make things any easier for the LBS, but there is acknowledgement by them on some level that they know there's a problem, even if they don't know what it is or are unable to recognise it fully.
With my H there is absolutely no acknowledgment of the problem, there is no sense of doubt or guilt, although he has started smoking again after 22 years!!

In any event vanishing or not h01, you need to look after yourself and get some space in your mind free from all the drama. You're number one priority now. Take care xxx

[mercury]

Great Top and how do I get the emails?

My H is total a vanisher, no contact, dark, unless I start it.  I do my best to remain dark/NC but sometimes I get the urge and text him.  The outcome is never good, but it confirms that he still in replay and he's still monster.  He shows off the OW to everyone including D.  I believe he shows her off and pushes her on his family and D because he is trying to show to everyone (himself) that he is over me. They live together full time now.  He has gone so far as to say that he has OW come with him to the times he's with his  D so she know he is over me. When He refers  of her to me, he doesn't call her his girlfriend, he calls her his friend  or her even though they live together?  I also view him a weak.  I don't even know if he is strong enough to get out of replay and face the next stage and himself.  He has never been very  good with his emotions and feels, very passive aggression.  Days would go by before I even found out he was mad at me, he use to stew about things and then they would make no sense when he finally break down and tell me what was wrong.  In my case I long for contact even if its bad but deep down I'm glad I have very little and I know its better for me with NC, since all contact with him is bad in the end although I do sometimes enjoy being a bit** and throwing true darts. As we all have read there is nothing we can do or not do or have to do that will  effect the outcome of their MLCs. Whether we are paving the way with actions/interactions or quietly within our hearts will equal out in the end.
 

[hurt01]

Does anyone know if the MLC feels more guilt , less guilt or does it stay the same as they move through the tunnel?

[Dontgiveup]

A couple of comments.....on a couple of things......

hurt01....from what I understand, and perhaps part of what I'm seeing directly in my friend's situation is that there is possibly some guilt present the entire time of MLC, but it gets "vocalized" much more so at the end than anywhere else.

In regard to showing off the OM or OW, the answer is yes, it absolutely can help the MLCer to "show" they are over you.  Two other thoughts on that.  I mentioned this on another thread that my ex-wife said she has "already grieved" our marriage.  She used this as the justification when she told me she was dating someone else and that if I heard from anyone that they were out in public together, it was true.  My response was simple......I said if that makes you happy, I understand, but I am not done grieving our marriage and am not seeing anyone.......and I left it at that.

I continue to learn from my friend's situation that space is good.  I also have learned NOT to be afraid if you don't hear from your MLCer very often.  For more info on this, read the "Pursuer-Distancer" article in the articles section.  As the LBS, we need to not be afraid to detach enough to become the distancer.

[hurt01]

Dontgiveup,   Thank you for your input on this. The reason I ask about the guilt is because from what I hear my H is sick ALOT!!! He was sick alot before all of this but more so now. And it seems to be increasing, From what I hear he is off work and sick at least every other week. HB wrote on my thread that she thought the Lord was increasing his guilt which I very much beleive. I just wonderd as time goes on and the longer they are with OW if their guilt decreased or maybe increased.

As for pursueing , I haven,t even tried to contact H since January. He got angry when we were texting because I wouldn,t run right up to his atty office and sign D papers. I told him I would get my own atty , He said never text him again so I haven,t. I have read the articles. I guess you could say we are both distancers. I,ve read on here if you distance they will pursue, That has not happened in my case.

And space is good but leaves room for very little hope. I just pray the Lord is pursuing my H and working hard on him.

[Dontgiveup]

Don't lose hope.  Hope is always there.

In my opinion, you are doing just fine by not contacting your husband.  It's only been about 6 or 7 months, which truly is not all that long in MLC time frame.  And, like many MLC situations, even though you do not communicate with your husband, you still hear about him and he likely still hears about you.  You are not distancing out of anger, you are giving him the space he requested.

Remember that as a general statement, men can take a little longer than women to work their way through MLC.

Keep up the prayer....the Lord is always at work....which is why there is always hope.

[Dontgiveup]

I should have mentioned this.  In my friend's situation, the basic time frame from when his ex-wife was the distancer until now, and now she is clearly the pursuer, has been just a little over two years.

[leftylulu]

Hi DG,

That gives me hope. MLC'er hasn't had contact with me for 7 months and in the last 16 months minimal. He came back for 2 months last November and then within 8 hours completely vanished after telling me how perfect we were together. That's what keeps me hoping he will come back. I am not sure how long he has not had contact with his kids. Daughter is making fun of him for dating someone much younger then him so it must be the same OW as last year. He taunted me with her last summer. I put the boundaries up after this last disappearing act.

I do get tempted to text him but I do not. It won't do me any good. He is in for a suprise if he comes looking for me. I plan on moving sometime in October.

The last time I saw him driving he looked like crap and that is being kind. He didn't even look the same. I know I don't have to pressure him as his boss, mom and dad, and friends are all probably doing that. They refer to OW as 'craccker jack, the broken toy inside the box." I do not know if he flaunts her to them or not but I do know he's out there somewhere in LALA land. I pray every night for him to somehow find his sanity. All I know he's running hard and I am not trying to keep up, I'm exhausted without chasing him. I just miss him.