[mercury]

LF that was great "cracker jack" I think I might borrow that one, my H ow's bio-polar with back problems, which prevents her from doing her whole job at work.  I usually just refer to her as "sl**" which also fits. 

Also I think that these mlcer's going out of their way to "show" you & everyone else they are over the lbs is because they don't believe it themselves.
 
And for guilt, they feel it and that one of the things they are running from, plus if you notice they surround themselves by people who don't or can't judge their bad behavior.

[Sideways]

Hi Voyager

My H is
also  vanisher.  I have been in NC since January this year.  I have seen him on 2 occasions.  I set the NC boundary as I was tired of him treating me so poorly when he was here.  He moved out in May 09.  Continued to come here when he felt like it, leave when he felt like it, not show when he felt like it.  And he was spewing much in that time. It was so difficult, but I don't have to tell you that.

 I was working hard on recovery program and I could not allow him to be dishonest with me...going to see OW and talk with her on phone while\ and after coming here to hang in garage to do projects.Which he thought he was going to do if he left me, continue to come here and work on winter projects...ahhh, no I don't think so.

He denies OW all this time and a week ago  he left in note that he has been seeing her for a month.  Mmmm---2 years is more like it.  He denies her to friends and family so far.  She has been parading him to her relatives however...for approval of "new guy."  I do not think he parades her.

I know what you mean about feeling like they are going farther away.  I think that it is because there is no interaction.  A hole in ourlife.  This is kinda strange, but something i realized one day.  I have rearranged my living room  umpteen times and something is just not looking right, feeling right.  I finally realized it was my H missing from from the furniture---his presence.

Oh and we call the OW "Cupcake."  It's her hair...kinda reminds me of cherry red whipped  frosting.  And she is sugary sweet.

And AS Mercury stated. my H also surrounds himself with people who don't know me and tell him what he wants to hear.  He has gotten very thin and his coloring is off...like a green\gray tint to his skin.He has kidney and liver problems.  But these "people" tell him he looks great!  He keeps playing this same phrase over and over again like a broken record for the past 2 years.

But I have to believe that he can make it back to his family.  He has done things that are just as hard as this...recovery and staying sober for 31 years.  I think if he can do that, and they truly come out of this, then he should be able to find his way back home.  Any thoughts on this out there?  Aood topic to post Voyager.

[mercury]

Sideways
I believe (and sometimes lose sight of) that their is always hope, we don't live in Dante's first level of He** (light but no hope). The hope lies within us, and we decided when to let it go.

[NinjaGirl]

I just read RCR's article about the MLC contact types and it was nice to see Vanisher as a type.  And then to find this thread is also comforting.

I find the vanishing difficult because I do "worry" that I'm not thought of.  But, I think in a way the Vanisher vanishes so that they can ease their own guilt.  It's their way of detaching and they probably think if we aren't around then they'll move on easier.  I think in reality, if I truly believe in the relationship we had, then the thoughts will be there.  I just need to trust that God is working his plan.

I broke the silence and wrote to my H today.  A quick chat to put the ball in his court.

Me: I'd like to talk in person someday
H: ok
Me: but like, for real.  not just me.  i need you to engage. and i don't know when you'll be ready
Me: so you let me know
H: ok

Who knows.  Maybe it'll fail miserably, but what do I have to lose at this point.  He's gone.  Papers are filed.  Moving along.  Nothing more to lose.  I just want to hear what his heart has to say someday.

[mercury]

I find the vanishing difficult because I do "worry" that I'm not thought of.  But, I think in a way the Vanisher vanishes so that they can ease their own guilt.  It's their way of detaching and they probably think if we aren't around then they'll move on easier. 

NG I believe you are correct, the vanisher has vanished to try and releave some of his or her guilt.  I also believe they are running much harder then the others.  I wonder all the time if he thinks about me at all.  If I had to guess, I'd say yes but he's doing everything he can to not too at least I hope so.  But who knows, maybe out of sight out of mind.  I know the few times mine pop up, all I felt was disappointment that he didn't seem anywhere closer to the end of replay stage. One other wise women on here stated that she think the vanisher are protecting us from theirselves, I like that idea.  Whatever type you have is hard.  I have mixed emotions on whether or not we have it a little easier, since monster isn't in our faces and we are living a full life without them, so we are already GALing but we don't have any practice with dealing with them or any opportunity to "paving the way" either.  I use to worry that vanisher where more likely to never to come home, but there is no proof of that, at least none I have ever read. After time that question pails anyways and the more important one is how much longer do I want to wait.

[xyzcf]

We shall see. Mine has been a vanisher I think from the start even though he did keep in touch with me daily but I found out that caused him great difficulty...so did my asking for NC cause him to vanish? I think he's just running and running and now he has the space to truly not have to deal with anyone but himself and his work....if he keeps burying himself in work he'll be able to forget me, our family and the life we once had.

I hold on to the idea expressed here and in other places that they often will come back given enough time. I'd love to see their face on the day that they "awaken" and fully comprehend what has happened.

I will share something here that may or may not sound very logical. I had an experience 17 years ago which I call an awakening (and that is how it is referred to in other places as well). For no reason that I can discern, I woke up one day and spent three days in absolute heaven (and no there were not any hallucinogens involved)Every sense was augmented, colors, sounds, scents..everything was beautiful and sparking and I knew that my life would never, ever be the same again. I've never recaptured that experience but I do "celebrate it"  it every year around the time that it occurred and some of my "teachers" and others who have had similar experiences know exactly what I describe.

So, it is not impossible to believe that at some point a light goes on and their thought patterns are totally changed..forever. I hadn't thought about it in this way before..all I know is that the experience was the most intense and wonderful thing I have ever felt so....I pray for My Beloved and for all your spouses that they "awaken" in some way, at some time..who knows what will trigger it.

In some respects, it's like they are experiencing the opposite, a very dark, lifeless, cold world where they cannot attain any happiness or joy.

Sorry to take over her..would love to share with anyone else who has ever experienced something like this.

[Dontgiveup]

Ninja Girl

Also read the article on the Pursuer and the Distancer.  I remember there was one time last summer when I read the article on Pursuit and Distance.  Since bomb drop, I had been the pursuer.  My counselor even told me to cut back on contact with my wife.  I didn't at the time.....it just didn't seem right.  Well, one night after reading that article, I decided I was going to stop pursuing.  My ex-wife is not pursuing me right now (that's probably for a much later time), but she is definitely the contact initiator.

One other piece of info that might be helpful is from my friend's situation.  His ex-wife is in MLC....and married the other man....but she has told my friend quite a few times that she thinks about him all the time.....for whatever that's worth.

[NinjaGirl]

DGU.

I've read so much on pursuit and distance.  I was actually planning on asking my therapist tomorrow... "Are there some people that just *never* pursue!"...

[justkeepmoving]

The Vanisher is very hard.  My H has "disappeared" not only from me but from his Ds as well.  Their R is so broken down that I don't know if it can ever be repaired.  My D18 hates her dad and my D22 just doesn't care.  I can count on one hand how many times he has contacted them since he left a little over 3 months ago.  There is a stalemate going on right now.  I believe my H thinks my Ds should contact him and they feel it is his responsibility to initiate the contact as he is their father and they are his children.  I do encourage my Ds to not close the door but the window of opportunity is closing.
My H did call them both last night, neither would answer, and left a message that he hoped to see them at MIL's at Christmas.  For now my girls and I are planning on staying home and spending the day together.  It's nice that he wants to grace us with his presence after so much hurt and damage he has caused.  Basically my Ds both said he's an idiot to think all will be forgiven.  We shall see !!

[Bewildered]

Hi
my His a semi vanisher - BD May 2009 left three days later - for weeks I called him and he sounded sad and i worried. then he became ecstatic and loved his city life and as his adorable charming and think shes got  lot to answer for said to me when i called her to say how much I loved him and was in shock at his decision to leave  ' don't call him dear hes very happy now and in fact the happiest he has been i his whole life' - as i said a wonderfully emphatic and sympathetic lady - NOT !!! a year later she tells me that she thinks hes having some sort of crisis - my reply 'you thin
anyway hes had many spells of NC approx 4 months is the longest!?'

but i started it  .. if i called him he always answered immediately or asap if at work in a meeting etc and we met often for a drink or dinner but i always felt shattered when i left as it was too difficult for me - so I initiated NC and it helped me detach and he once said after the longest 4months that it had made  him sad that I had not contacted him but .. (he never said what but was but he could have called me - he of course finds this hard to do) ?? any ideas welcome

but we have gone 3 or 4 weeks between T& G's - but is the same with the kids.
I think as a few on the forum do that hes in withdrawal as he has been different this time but who  knows ??
My view is the vanisher had more time to think so may get through he crisis quicker but then slows down when the acceptance happends because the getting back home is for them the  more difficult for them MY H is terrified of home ( came home i1 year ago and did not want to go - I had to virtually push him out the door)

so they all get there in the end just by different roads and have different obstacles ?

B xxx