[justkeepmoving]

B,
  My H is a VANISHER !!  Not to just me but to our Ds as well.  He is bound and determined that he is going to stay away from home even though his "new" life is falling down around him.  He's still living in a friends apartment, is broke all the time and is off of work again for a work related injury and will have to have surgery again.
  He is so stubborn but right now I wouldn't want him home because he is still blaming me for all of his unhappiness.  He was injured last March and sat for 5 months by himself while I was working and I think he built a mountain out of a mole hill and I believe this is what brought his crisis to a head.  Since he left he has been keeping himself busy with work but now since he will not be working again until probably the end of January or early Feburary he will have the time to think.  But this time I won't be around for him to put the blame on.  I am hoping that he will finally wake up to the fact that it is HIM and not Me.  Only time will tell !!

[mercury]

There hasn't been much written about a vanisher but then they are gone so who know what they think or feel.  I know they are running as hard as they can, I also know that I don't believe any of them are happy, at least not for long, I believe they are hiding from us and themselves.  I sometimes wonder, if he feels the same way I do, like when I am sad, I wounder if he is sad too.  I bounce on this topic but wouldn't it make sense, since we lived so long with this person, and bonded so deeply that he's feel the same as me. Then I think, who cares, if he doesn't  hurt or feels sad, so what, if he does good.

[justkeepmoving]

Mercury,
  I wonder about the same thing.  My H & I were together for so long that as many long term marriage partners we complemented each other and would often finish each others sentences.
  But with MLC and him being the COMPLETE opposite of what I was knew, I don't know where he is right now.  I do know that he is running away from his problems and the distruction he has created not only to me but to our Ds as well.
  Eventually he will have no choice but to face himself and maybe then he will see what a mess his "new" life is.  Unlike many MLCers here my H left with nothing but his truck.  No money, no place of his own & no family to fall back on.  It's all so sad, but this was his choice and now he will have to face the consequences of these choices.

[mercury]

JKM, in the end each one of these people will face the consequences of their actions. I have no doubt there.  I know my FIL  spent the rest of life miserable.  He made his second wife life he** and his first wife died before he could complete the journey and she wouldn't  have ever taken him back, she hated him, and he deserved that hatred.  I only wish I'd understood and should have been there for her.  My H is following in his fathers foot steps.  These facts lessen the chance that mine will ever return, I've faced that already.  I can only say I don't want who he is now anyways, because I don't honestly believe he's the man I married or a good man.  I should have know this was coming, because of his father's actions, I stupidly though he was special, our love could conquer all.   He told me a few times that he will always love me it just wasn't enough.  He was right, it just wasn't enough, it isn't when you chose to run away and start a R with another.   

As many of you know, we have been waiting for our 20th anniv.  so I can maintain my medical after D.  It feels like we are stuck, there is very limit contact, no interactions together at all, we are down to 3 1/2 months. I wounder if he will run out an file the D, or if he will not.  I have no idea what he will do. I'm prepared either way.  I feel like the D will free me and maybe move him forward inside the tunnel.  He's made no improvement since BD which was 1 year 5 months ago, he coming up on his 1 year anniv with his $l()t, which he lives with full time.   I've not see any positive movement, or anything positive at all. There just doesn't seem to be anything left of who I married.

[justkeepmoving]

My H's family is having a hard time accepting this sitch or my H's actions.  This is the first marrital seperation (and possible D) that the family has had to deal with.  They are in denial but are all conflict avoiders.  My H has 4 brothers and not one of them has confronted him.  They all talk the big talk but don't walk the walk. 
I actually got a Christmas card this weekend and it was addressed to
Mr & Mrs. JKM.  I figured someone wasn't aware of our seperation.  To my astonishment and disbelief it was from my H's older brother who is well aware ot the sitch.  It really is mind boggling.
I am holding on to the hope that since my H has never had to experience a divorce of his parents (married 43 years until my FIL died) that he will one day realize the errors of his ways.  I don't expect but I am hopeful.

[mercury]

So I guess I toss out the question:

Is there anything that a wife of a vanisher can do?

Currently, I'm moving on with my life, thinking D might be good, staying NC to protect myself from more disappointment and monster or stupid replay man.  Is that it am I missing anything?

[NinjaGirl]

Is there anything that a wife of a vanisher can do?

I'm not sure there is a right answer.  I had a talk with my therapist about how in a way I hold some hope/expectation that my H will break the silence and start manning up to some discussion.  Even in regards to the logistics of the divorce...

But when I sat back and really thought about it...  he's never been one to initiate conversation.

My therapist said sometimes when people are going through divorce, they start to hold expectations of their spouse that are things the spouse never did in the first place.  So the same frustrations continue beyond the divorce.

So, I broke the silence the other day and just said that I needed to have closure for my own life and that I needed a face to face discussion.  But, in order for it to be fruitful for me, I need him to engage and be truly present.  I don't know when he'll be ready for that, so I told him to let me know when he feels he can have that discussion.  At least now the ball is truly in his court and I'm not holding some unrealistic expectation that I never even told him about.

And... he goes back into his hole as vanisher... but at least I yelled into the hole what I needed.  LOL.

[mercury]

Good for you NinjaGirl. I've reach out enough to mine, over and over again and all he's done is slap my hand. I throw the ball over to him long ago and it just sits there, its probably deflated by now. Mine was quiet and not an initiator either, but when push came to shove he'd man up but it took him a while. He had enough gust to walk out on our marriage now he'll need to find them again and get the OW out of that house and face me, if he ever wants to come home that is.

I feel better inside if I think he'll be home one day, and worst inside when I think he never will.  I know I will not take him back unless he chances back to the one who loved me.  If I don't see the love, he can just stay away, it wouldn't be worth the pain of having 1/2 of him back and effort to try to fix the marriage if his heart wasn't in it. Sometimes I think the afford to fix this is way too big for me to even want to try.  I feel he crossed the line and I should not ever want him back.  He has crossed the line but somewhere deep I still hold on, I have to let go, I suppose it is one of the puppet strings.  I've got to cut it, if it just hold still and stop dancing in the wind.   

[Standing in Patience]

Well, I have been lurking for a long time but sich is familiar I am replying. I believe my H is a vanisher. After BD last summer, he moved to the other side of the country and decided to find a new job. He originally said that he wants the children to remain in his life if they wanted it. Recently he said that he needs and wants them in his life. He calls them on occasion to stay in touch. That might be every few days. He doesn't respond unless I reach out to him. He says that I didn't pay enough attention to him. He alternates between sounding sad and angry at the same time. He hasn't seen the children since last summer which I feel is a VERY long time. He says he welcomes them to visit him but the OW with him - no way! He hasn't mentioned OW to friends or family. I think there is huge guilt there. Most mornings I think I am reliving Groundhogs Day - know what I mean?

[Voyager]

Hi Standing,
I was surprised to see my old thread bobbing about. Welcome to the forum! I'm sorry you're here but this place gives us the shelter from the storm that we all need.
I certainly do know what you mean about Groundhog days, and the secrecy of your h is very similar to mine in the early days.
All MLCers "run" in one form or another, even if they've not physically done so, they've run off in their heads.
Vanishers really have taken body and soul with them.

All MLC situations are hard, each has it's own unique qualities, the boomerang types are hard and it's tough for those LBSers dealing with that, sometimes on a daily basis.
 Vanishers and off and oners are hard too but in a different way. Certainly for me it's hard to stand for an h shaped hole.

It would be good to know more about your sitch if you feel up to telling us. I'm sure you've seen that there is a huge well of compassion, advice, support and love to draw on here.
You could start a thread of your own, but if you're not ready to do that then post on this one for a while. We will try to help you all we can.
Looking forward to getting to know you.
Much love. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx