[forthetrees]

Wondering if the LBS of any vanisher has had some contact from the vanishing MLCer.

My BD number 2 was 8/21/10 and while in France I had no contact. I came home and cleaned up papers and found things that I had to send him. Now haven´t heard boo since 3/24. He wanted his $ from some joint funds that went towards paying off something and the deal was that he remove his name from two deeds first. No sign of deed removal and all it requires is a notarized signature. So, I really don´t know what is up with H. He has no contact with anyone that I have contact with. His family has treated me as if I had died/disappeared off the face of the earth.

Willing to take any suggestions.

FTT

[followingbliss]

I think this is a really important thread to continue for us  group of  LBS's of vanishers . I personally haven't posted on my own thread since early Feb cos  of the complete lack of action ( my own thread is now on private part of the site just so I can secure it for "history" will start a new one here when I am ready) I feel comforted to know there are others in my position who yes lack the turmoil created by the clinging boomerangs but who also  ( if like me ?) are struggling to understand whether their spouse has not just completely detached from them forever. I can see why my H would fit into this category as he has always been one with shame issues and worried about what people might think , so can identify with others who see that their spouse has completely disconnected from anyone who may judge them ...my H ignores texts from lifelong friends !

So in the absence of my own active thread I would be happy to share with others  my own intermitent contact experiences  ( if any !) and musings on the life of the vanisher here . FYI my H now lives 5 mins walk away from our home, kids initiate their own contact with him - a recent development after 3 months of H's lack of contact with them too. OW has never been spoken about since  BD july 2010  so I have no idea and no esire to know ... trying to treat her like the disposable band-aid that is inevitably her role.

so fwiw my latest contact was last wkend after nc for 5 weeks  my H returned my daughter home and I was at home at the time (probably not expected by him ) his communication consisted solely of 2 monster spews   1 about some work my father is doing on our house ( in H's absence and complete disregard for the state of our home) and 2 some paranoic monster spew about one of our closest friends attempt at contact with him   hey ho  how about  "haven't seen you for a while hows things" 


look forward to hearing about your vanishers

FB

ps I think like other mlc types there is a range/spectrum of vanishers , some like XYZCF's who vanish to other continents , mine who is only 5 mins away but I know would have absolutely nc with me were it not for kids ( 15 and 17) somehow  forcing him to maintain his connection to the family home by picking them up dropping them off etc 

[LoveMeMyself]

Following Bliss,

   I'm not sure if my situation with my ex would fall exactly in the vanisher category.  He has recently been in contact with me but right after our divorce was final (Oct. 10) he stopped all contact with me right before Thanksgiving.  I made several attempts via text messages but he completely ignored me.  I left him alone but I did send him a Christmas card and had an order of fruit delivered to him. I got a couple of text messages thanking me for the card and fruit but he had to add, "my kindness truly amazed him".  I told him I didn't understand that comment and he told me that it was because he compared me to how my friends (who works with him) treat him.  He then more or less blamed me for how they treated him.  I told him that I could not control other people.  Okay, so past Christmas and nothing for the NewYear even though I tried to contact him.  Then nothing until the end of February.  He surprised me by "popping" out to my vehicle as I waited for my friends to go to lunch.  Totally took me by surprised.  He chatted like we were friends.  Didn't need anything in particular just chatted.  So, I let a week go by and sent him a text tellling him it was a nice surprise seeing him and chatting with him.  He completely ignored it.  No response.  So, just last week he sent me a couple of emails.  Mostly regarding business connected to our joint property.  I ignored it as it didn't really require an answer from me.  He later sent another email asking if he could call me at home.  I sent him an answer (sure) and that was all.  He ended up calling me in my office because he said I didn't answer his email and he wanted to know if he could call me.  Okay.  He called and if you go back to my post you will see I screwed up royally..........at least I thought so.  I told him that I didn't appreciate how he treated me and he asked me what did I mean, so I told him that he had said he wanted to be friends but yet he ignores me.  He said he treats me like an ex-wife and nothing more.  He also told me that we could not ever get back together.  I told him that a lot of people remarry or at least are civil and cordial to each other.  I also pointed out the fact that people we know do things together still and he said only because they have children/grand children together (we don't). He said it's not a good idea for us.  So, I said something about how difficult it was not having some contact to just talk once in a while and he admitted that it was difficult for him as well.  I'm sorry this is such a long post.  I just wanted to share my situation.  He has been in touch with me through more emails again just a few days ago and again today.  We have plans to go to the bank together tomorrow.  He asked me if he could pick me up and take me with him.  So, this is the most contact we have had since before Thanksgiving.  I'm not sure if it means anything or not.  I truly expect him to go back to no contact after tomorrow.  We'll see.

[Heart to Heart]

Hello all.  My husband is also a vanisher.  BD was in April ’10.  Announced he wanted a divorce and left same day!  How’s that for vanishing!?    I was totally caught off guard.   He did indeed file for divorce 2 months later, but there hasn’t been mention of D for the past 6 months.  Lots of monster spew for the first few months, but this died down as I stopped talking about relationship.  He has been very secretive about his new life, but when we see each other, he seems to genuinely enjoy our time together (perhaps just manipulating me).  He did admit to OW in Nov ’10, but I haven’t asked about it since. Looking back to before BD, I see he was withdrawing, but didn’t communicate why.   We never fought in our marriage, and silly me…I thought it was because we respected each other.  Now I realize he just has an avoidant personality!  Woe is me!  I only see him once every 2 months or so.  He’s coming next week to pick up some furniture, and as Voyager has said, because these meetings are so rare, how we handle them become so very important.  I’m vacillating between either not being here at all or taking advantage of this rare opportunity and continuing to be the warm, friendly “lighthouse” I’ve tried to be since BD.  If anyone has any advise, I'd love to hear it!   

I actually initiated a partial settlement as I wanted to take advantage of good mortgage rates and I knew H very much needed his own space and place in order to heal. He has purchased his own condo an hour away, near his job.  Today, for the first time, I received mail with his return address on it!  I was shocked.  Also today, he sent me an email about a bill, and ended with friendly talk about our son, actually fishing around to see if son is the "guest" I happened to mention I was receiving this weekend.  I’m finding recently he over-explains things in emails, uses lots of smiley faces, like he either enjoys letting me know what’s going on in his life or is taking care of me (in explaining financial issues).  Not sure what it is, but something seems to be changing.  I feel he is starting to peek out of his tunnel every once and again. 

Prior to MLC, he was such a good guy.  I so pray that I will see this man again someday and that he is not lost to me forever.

It's so good to have the support this site provides, but to be able to "brainstorm" with spouses of vanishers is especially wonderful!

[Dontgiveup]

Heart to Heart

Your husband actually sounds like an "off and oner", maybe even a boomeranger.  Contact does not always have to be in person.  Vanishers may be gone for many months on end....and you don't hear from them at all.....no calls, no e-mail, nothing.

You seem to be handling things well.....keep hanging in there!

[leftylulu]

Mine's been gone 14 months with only 3 thank you texts during this time. I have seen him a few times driving down the road. Once he looked like death and the other 2 times he looked spaced out. I just leave him alone and continue on with my life. Some days it really stinks but most days I really enjoy the drama free days. I still believe he will be back and the best part when he does come back then I will know it's me he really wants but he has to decide that for himself there's nothing I can do about it but enjoy my life for waht it is and it can be pretty wonderful.

I'm heading into year number 3 of his crisis and the last 9 months have when I have seen major changes in myself. I am proud of who I am becoming. I'm excited to see what year number 3 has in store for me as number 2 was more about healing and personal changes. Maybe number 3 is just about living life. I am finding my purpose or my own journey. I know that when he does come back I will have made him proud too with all my changes. I very rarely question whether or not he will come back anymore. I already have been told the answer. Today was one of those days that I missed him dearly but was blessed with a letter from my son who is in boot camp and it's been 7 weeks since I've heard from him.

When I'm down I just gives thanks for the simpliest things in life and it changes my attitude in a matter fo minutes. Gratitude is a wonderful healing tool.

[mercury]

I am 18 months in with a vanisher. I have found that it is best to just leave him alone. Every-time he pop up or I reach out to him, I have been disappointed.

forthetrees, if you have to contact him, do it straight to the point, nothing more.

loveisntweakness, As for knowing, I'm in the same boat, I don't know. You have to fill the emptiness and live life as if.

Hugs to all of you, it is hard to have a vanisher and keep some form of faith. I always feel like I am waiting, and I am for myself to let go, move on and heal, and of course the D papers.

[journey to self]

Hello everyone.  Not posted for a while.   Have been taking a break from MLC world to continue to focus on me and my healing and also because my H is a vanisher so there is limited contact anyway.

I am coming up for my first anniversary of BD - 18th April 2010.   H left and within a couple of weeks moved in with OW where he has remained ever since.

I am not surprised that my H is a vanisher.   He is doing what he has always done - just burying his head in the sand and hoping that it will all just go away.   He is running and avoiding, which is typical MLC, but also very typical him.

I wonder if Vanishers are of a certain type.   My H was someone who avoided conflict at all costs and found it very hard to show his emotions or to communicate how he felt.  He just didn't know how.

A theory on why they vanish from some earlier posts suggested that it is shame and guilt that keeps them invisible, but who knows?

I have had some contact with my H throughout the last year, but very sporadic.    When he left in April 2010, I had a breakdown, so didn't see him between April and June.   I initiated contact in July, and saw him a few times between July and September.  I then found the strength to go NC which I did between end September and beginning of November.   

In November, I once again made contact and we met a couple of times and it was during one of these meetings that he asked if he could come home.   I agreed.   He was home for 4 weeks and then left again to go back to OW (which I was kind of expecting anyway).

Again, no contact betwen us from the beginning of December until I made contact a couple of weeks ago.    I met him, but it was obvious from the start, that he had not even begun to face up to what he has done, so still deep in Replay.   He still has no idea that this is about him. 

He was very cold and distant and looked really uncomfortable being with me.   He just can't bear to be with me.   I presume it is guilt.   It was obvious that he no longer considers me part of his life.  He has also had minimal contact with his son, only seeing him 3 times in the last year.   

Thankfully, I am in such a good place now that I know I won't ever make contact with him again, unless there is something to discuss about our son.     I will never pursue him again and the good news is, that I really don't want to.     

I do believe that having a Vanisher has helped my healing process as I have not been caught up in his MLC behaviours.    I have been able to keep the focus on me and my life.   I am now at a stage where I don't really care about what happens to him.   Whatever he has done, he has done to himself and he will have to deal with the consequences of his actions and behaviours.    Once I grasped this, I felt very empowered, because that was when I really did 'let go of the rope' and realised that you have no control over anything - only you - just leave them to it.  Nothing you do will change anything.  They have to go through their MLC journey on their own.

I know that I am moving forward and leaving him behind now. If anything changes in my situation, I promise to post, but probably like most LBS's, I can't see a time when my H will look within himself for answers.   He has only been in replay for a year and we all know that MLC takes time (which I totally get now).   

[forthetrees]

So, is there a common theme with Vanishers (why do they deserve a capital V anyway?)?
Please check the descriptors that apply to your H or W.

_____ Conflict avoider to an excessive degree

_____ Difficulty expressing a range of emotions (not just anger)

_____ Relatively small circle of same gender friends

I´m also curious; my H works in his own office, can shut the door and has a lot of control over how much interaction he has with people during the day. I on the other hand teach and interact with 70-80 people a day.

Thanks,
FTT

[Foxberry]

I don't know if Journey to Self will read this or not, but I just HAD to reply.

Reading that post was like I'd written it myself.....IT IS MY H!!!!!  From being emotionally retarded forever to not communicating to burying his head in the sand...all my H.

Again, no contact betwen us from the beginning of December until I made contact a couple of weeks ago.    I met him, but it was obvious from the start, that he had not even begun to face up to what he has done, so still deep in Replay.   He still has no idea that this is about him. 

He was very cold and distant and looked really uncomfortable being with me.   He just can't bear to be with me.   I presume it is guilt.   It was obvious that he no longer considers me part of his life.  He has also had minimal contact with his son, only seeing him 3 times in the last year.   

Thankfully, I am in such a good place now that I know I won't ever make contact with him again,

The above is so very true too, unbelievable.... I think sometimes that's the thing I find the hardest to bare that I might never see my H again, after loving and being with him for 30 years.....

I do believe that having a Vanisher has helped my healing process as I have not been caught up in his MLC behaviours.    I have been able to keep the focus on me and my life.   I am now at a stage where I don't really care about what happens to him.   Whatever he has done, he has done to himself and he will have to deal with the consequences of his actions and behaviours.    Once I grasped this, I felt very empowered, because that was when I really did 'let go of the rope' and realised that you have no control over anything - only you - just leave them to it.  Nothing you do will change anything.  They have to go through their MLC journey on their own.

Again I so Want to be above to do the above........ I'm tired mentally of giving him head space - how can I find out who I am, until I start trying to figure out who H is?

Love Fox xxxx