[Mermaid]

Please....someone tell me how do I get out of the cycle of hurt, bewilderment and sadness not just for me but for my S too.

It's easier to give advice than take it. I've just stepped out of my own spin cycle to help you out of yours...
You can either
1. Tell your H excatly what you think (phone/ email etc.), but that probably won't get you anywhere
or
2. There comes a point when you don't want to be angry and hurt any more. So just think of one thing the you are really greatful for. Then two (different things), then three, as days go on. Temporarily put a block on the hurt.

Actually, I really find helping someone else helps me too. Sport, yoga, meditation, chocolate, friends, laughing, all have their place, but focussing on someone else, someone who needs your help, is a good focus.

[Moving Forward]

Please....someone tell me how do I get out of the cycle of hurt, bewilderment and sadness not just for me but for my S too.

Foxberry,
the very glib and simple answer is that you chose not to continue the cycle of hurt etc. You either have hit your own personal rock bottom and are forced to change your tack or you decide enough is enough.

You will know when you are starting on the cycle and the simple thing is turn the other way - do a 180 from what you were about to do - it is that simple and very difficult all at the same time.

Life is all about choices and we have choices every single day - we may not be conscious of them but we have choice and free will.

I got to the point where enough was enough and even I was bored....so I change what I do so that I get a different result. Slowly but surely I have dragged myself to a good place.

This whole thing takes time and there is no magic pill you can take or click your heels together and be far far away....this is a great opportunity for you to grow and you should put yourself at the top of the list.

((hugs))

P
xx

[Foxberry]

Hi all,

Been glorious warm weather this weekend in the UK and I think it's made me miss my H even more, does that sound wierd and stupid?       I think it's seeing all these happy people, holding hands, people who have got similar length marriages together having a drink, enjoying the sunshine...and then there's me...out 'on my own' out with my cousin and family who are trying their hardest to not let me be alone....but sometimes I want to scream....please H come back to me...what did I do that made you run away and leave me so alone....I feel like some huge, imaginary arrow is pointing at me, look at this woman, married 28 years and her H has run off with some unattractive woman because anyone was better than her....THAT's how I feel.....I want to feel loved and desired again....I want back what I didn't know I was losing in the first place....I want to go back to this time last year and make a fuss of him, complain less, moan less, oh I don't know, do everything differently I suppose, then just maybe he wouldn't have started talking to this business colleague that he barely knew about his marriage and life and then start with a coffee, then a drink, then secret meetings and then only ONE MONTH later hotel rooms...so immense in my head and totally alien to the H I thought I knew....

I can't believe we'll never sit at the table in the garden again and laugh about ordinary things, talk about the garden, decking  and share a glass of wine....normal things.....things I feel so jealous about that H is doing with OW and pretending that its OK...when it's not because he is still married to me....H should not be living with this woman it is so wrong on every level.....  I want to hurt him - like he's hurt me....

I'm still so upset he ignored our S's birthday on Friday and the thought of him sitting having a beer with this OW and possibly BBQing with them, like this was normal and right!!!  drives me mad...you can see I have a vivid imagination, but I can only imagine all these scenarios that he's left me for.... and can't understand any of it....H has always been a man of few words, but he clearly didn't find talking to this OW a problem...my Son will have 'none of it about OW'   He WILL NOT blame her in any way at all, he says his father is 100% to blame because he made a choice to bed this woman and step over the LINE and betray me....I know he's right, but if SHE hadn't been of low morals and refused to go out with a married man, let alone bed him, then this wouldn't have happened would it.....

The trouble is really I blame myself... 

Fox xx

[justkeepmoving]

foxberry,
  I'm so sorry for your pain.  I understand and have been where you are.  It's been a little over 7 months and sometimes I miss my H so much my heart literally aches.  But I'm happy to say that those times are few and far between.  Those feelings crop up at odd moments when something I see or hear remind me of him.  When the longing begins I soon remember what he has done to me and our Ds and the total selfishness of his running away from home brings me back to reality.  I still love my H but I certainly don't like the man he is right now.  Your S is totally right in the fact that the fault lies with your H not the OW.  He made the decision to break his vows and lower his moral standards.  You must understand that if it wasn't this OW it would have been someone else.  MLC is about a crisis of identity and loss of self worth.  This OW has probably told your H crap he wanted to hear to boost his ego.  Blah, blah, blah.  I know what hurts you the most is your H's lack of communication with your S.  Been there, done that !!  My H is only just beginning to reconnect with his Ds, but the damage has been so severe that their relationship will never be the same.  But those are the consequences of his poor choices.  Please remember this is YOUR TIME now.  I truely feel that this has been a wake up call from God to make me a better women, friend and mother.  If I ever do get the chance to reconcile with my H I hope that I have broken the cycles that have led us to this crisis.  Love, Peace & Joy to you and your S.

[Mermaid]

Foxberry,

I'm so sad he missed your S's birthday and so sorry for your pain. I guess the reason why he has gone so far away is because he doesn't want anything to remind him of his pain. It's not that you were the pain, but he thinks that the marriage was, somehow. They all think that. He doesn't realise that it was the way he lived it.

DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF.

I know what you mean about the glorious weather making you think more about your H and your time together. It takes a long time to enjoy the weather for itself, without memories of another time and place.

Take care, and I hope that one day soon you will find a glimmer of happiness and hope.

[Foxberry]

Hello Mermaid and JustkeepMoving,

You both really helped me today when I read your posts.....my S says that too about the OW being unimportant, that she happened along at just the right time when he was blaming me for all his woes...I think that's a huge part of the problem for me that anything with a pulse would do     and that H has discussed the most intimate things with OW about our marriage, sex life and everything inbetween.... THAT hurts...and the demons come at night...one of the main things he continually said to me when I was trying to "reason" with him was "I can talk to anyone but you"....

My Son, well he's drawn a line in the sand and basically wants no relationship of any kind with H again...in fact, S said to me last night, he may as well be dead, because he is to me....I was actually stunned...to hear those words from his mouth it proved to me just WHAT H has done to him.....unfathomable.

Thank you for your words of comfort they really do help, so thank you very much.  God bless you both
Lots of love and hugs to you
Fox xxxxx

[ddineen]

Wow!  I always thought I was alone with my vanisher. I hate to say it's comforting but it really felt like I had the weirdest MLCer around.  Some insights I found from the little contact I have had is they do have a reallllly bad self image.  During a "family" session he said he just wanted to know that he was a good guy.  I told him that I wouldn't have waited 3 years if I didn't think he was worth it and he didn't reply.  He also thought there was too much damage done.  He never yelled at me but I heard that OW and him screamed at each other all the time.  He can't say no, he wants to "please".  He will say "i'll think about it" rather than a straight out "no".  For some reason he doesn't want to let go of me.  That comforts me and I think somewhere down there he does love me but it is so overlaid with guilt and not wanting to feel.  The divorce will be finished this time by me.  I hate it and I have a small dream that he needs to feel total loss before he starts climbing out.  He already has pushed his daughter away so hard that her therapist has said that she should distance herself from him.

 Foxberry I know how hard it is.  I can say that it took me 3 years before I could say I really would survive.  Now, don't get discouraged by that....I also had a close relative die every year (mom, dad and aunt) plus my daughter's problems.  Seemed like everytime I got up, I got shot down.  I finally got on anti-depressants and they helped.  I hated them like the plague but I guess my chemistry got so screwed up that it stayed in the depressed state.  I am off them now though and ok.  I also talked to a select friend (non-counselor) and she was my lifeline.

[Standing in Patience]

Foxberry,

Interestingly, I have a slight twist to your story - my H claims that he doesn't discuss our most intimate feelings/past events that happened between us with the  OW. He said our secrets are still our secrets.  But then again he doesn't discuss anything in particular or in detail with me at this time - it's just about finances and the kids.

[Foxberry]

Hi, An update to my story.  My S got sick of the silence! 6 months of it actually :-/   and emailed H asking him why he'd ignored Christmas and his Birthday and just where was he living etc. but also told him that he was having anxiety attacks and that emotionally I wasn't well either....

Well H replied, first of all he said he thinks about S and me every day and often stuggle to cope with the choice he made...the price I'm paying for choosing happiness over loyalty is sometimes hard to bear, and goes on to blame me for all the lack of contact with his S, he said because he wanted to leave me, that I'd told him there was to be no contact at all with his S...this is not true, I told him NOT to contact us with Christmas cards, at no time did I tell him not to contact S on his Birthday... Of course I told him to choose a family to be with, what does H expect to have two families?  Forget it!  He then started going on about sometimes he was filled with regret at his choice and that he the problems we had could have been sorted....?   But the main things are that not once did he refer to his S's anxiety attacks, my emotional anguish or tell the truth about where he was living....  We actually know now, but he doesn't know, we know...

So yesterday I was brave, called him, H didn't pick up no surprises there...left him a "light and breezy voicemail" so I text him and said we need to talk about our Son and me.....no reply...then I text again and said if he's ever cared about me in 28 years please call......   H text back and said he was in a meeting and would have to speak later.....so I waited and waited and waited.  When it got to 5pm I text and said "I guess yu've made the decision not to call, at least I tried to make the first move" .  Much later in the evening he replied and said he was sorry, but it wasn't that he'd decided not to call - he was in meetings all day and also needed some time before he called back........

My S told me NOT to reply to this text....I didn't although it was very hard.....and he hasn't called me yet :-/
I so want to know what he meant in his email to my Son about the problems we had etc etc.,  I NEED to know for my own sanity.......

Fox xxx

[mercury]

Foxberry

I'm going to give it to you straight, He is still in replay, he has no idea, he bouncing and bouncing and you are pursuing. I've been there, I completely understand. Don't do it. You are just going to get hurt if he picks up that phone.

I'm sorry