[leftylulu]

HI Voyager,

  Mine's a vanisher too. I still have hope he will be back, that hope gets stronger everyday as now that I am becoming detached. I view his vanishing as him protecting me from him. I believe that is respect. I try to keep a positive twist on all of this. I get strong insights that he will be back. I no longer worry "if" he is coming back nor do I think about "when" he is coming back, in my heart I strongly believes he is coming back. I think I am finally accepting the process. I enjoy being left out of his drama, I doesn't mean I don't miss him. I miss him dearly, but I also know that he is not being the man I fell in love with either.

  I am learning not to take this personally because he is not having any contact with his son either. His son is his world. I have no clue what he is doing but in the rare times that I have passed him driving he always looks mad. I perfer not to be included in his madness. I would have stayed there if he had not gone NC. I'm glad he chose that route, it makes my life easier.

  I reflect a lot on how it was last year at this time. He was with OW and throwing her in my face and I didn't set boundaries about that. My emotions were so off the charts I could barely function. Now I rarely have days that I get emotionally over this. I am experiencing my own transition as my body is going haywire (perimenopause). I have accepted that and now I chuckle over my body doing this. I have no control over this. I would love to talk to my MLC'er now just to compare notes. "Does your body do this, or have you experienced that" type questions.

  I have been more worried about "when" he comes back. If I have truly made the changes that I think I have made, that I will respond rather than react. I have in my head and my heart forgiven him for what he has put me through. I did respond when he came back last December and we did a lot of talking about OW, his feelings, my feelings, etc calmly until he vanished again. Then I went ahead and let lose on him. That was our last conversation back in February. I have texted him once in May to let him know that he was in my prayers because it was the 5th anniversary of his son's death and I know how hard it is on him during that time. He texted me back and said it "had been a rough few days". I left it at that.

  I did send him a Father's day card and have had no acknowledgement that he got it. I'm OK with that. We did have eye contact when we passed on the road and we both waved and smiled big, neither of us contacted each other after this but at least I know he's not mad at me. That was a little over a month ago. I have to just let him do what he needs to take care of himself. I have no clue if he has OW but I do know that he doesn't spend much time at his house, he's staying some place else. I have never seen with anyone. If he is there is nothing I can do anyways.

   I have been using this time to resolve my own issues. I have changed in so many ways but my core is still the same. It's great that some of the doors from my past are closing. It's a freeing experience. My intuition is heightening, I'm experiencing new things, and now I am starting to respect myself which is something that I have not done in the past. I would let others take advantage of who I was and not stand up for myself. I am understanding the importance of boundaries. I'm not afraid to set them anymore. I set them with MLC'er and he has not spoken to me but I also know that I cannot and will not let him treat me with disrespect. I deserve more than that. But I also believe he does love me because of the foundation that we built and I have to trust that and that will is why I believe he will be back when he's ready.

  Monday I had an insight about when he comes back. I have to not worry about having a need to trust him but instead I have to show him that he can trust me. I have to establish his trust in me before I can work on my trust in him. I know in my heart that I will trust him again but I have to make it safe for him first.
 
  I am finally starting to find my happy place. I am learning to take care of me emotionally. I'm pretty excited, I am going to have a facial done for the first time, hopefully next Friday. I would have never really considered this but I am learning that I do not have to feel guilty about pampering myself. Matter of fact it will be healthy for me to start putting myself first. I am finally getting it but it has been a long, hard road but well worth the trip. If his crisis never happened I most likely still be the same person that I was. I am really starting to like me. I love it.

[Voyager]

Ll
Thankyou for your post, I found it really comforting as I'm not in the place you are yet, but I can see I might be one day.
I don't know if my mLC'er is acting out of respect as our sitch is complicated because of the work stuff, so there isn't respect i feel, I think with mine it's fear of facing up to his issues, he's done a lot of very bad things to me over the past 4 years, and I feel that it's his huge guilt that is governing his actions and from the card he sent to my D he still seems completely self obsessed and desperate still to justify his actions.
When we did meet last I was shocked at how bad he looked and how withdrawn his behaviour was. Perhaps with some vanishers it is simply that guilt and desperate avoidance of the effects of that. A friend of mine who is a therapist told me that the more extreme their justification, the more extreme their guilt and their reactions to you as the LBS...don't know what anyone else feels about that.
Enjoy your facial Ll, they are fab and they'll make you feel a million dollars!!xx

[leftylulu]

Hi Voyager,

I'm not sure that mine is acting out of respect but that is the way I am chosing to look at it. When I saw mine driving down the road he looked terrible too he's very skninny. I also chose to believe that he does not contact me because he feels guilty for hurting me. That will be something that I will not speak of unless he asks me directly. I do not have to rub it in his face that he devastated me in the beginning, he already knows that so I don't feel I will have to remind him.

When he did come back for 2 1/2 months he would ask me if it bothered me when he would talk about other OW. I was suprised that it didn't as much as I thought it should have. I was given an opportunity to show him that I forgave him, I took it, and I hope that was enough to hold us together through all of this. I already know my stand and I know that I am in no hurry the longer this goes on. I am learning how to love because of this crisis. It feels really good to know I can love someone this deeply, I just hope it is him that will benefit from these changes also. If not at least I know that I will find someone deserving of my love as they will love me as deeply in return. For now I just continue on my own journey and I am OK with that. It feels as though every day I learn something new about me.

Hang in there my dear, we will all pull through this hopefully with marriages in tact but if not we will have made the changes necessary to get the love we want and deserve. The best part of all we will learn how to love ourselves. Hugs and Prayers.

[in His hands]

Hi everyone!  My husband is a vanisher.  I'm so grateful that you started this thread, Voyager.  I was also thankful for your article RCR, and that you commented on this thread.  Bomb drop for me was in May of 2007.  H left the next month.  There has always been very little communication, but it was more often the first two years.  The last time I saw him was in March.  He was so nice, although he would not look at me.  Just at the ground.  Since then I've talked on the phone with him once.  He was very irritable, and couldn't get off the phone fast enough.  I sent him a short Father's Day e-mail with no response, but other than a couple of one line e-mails about finances, I wouldn't even know that he is alive.  My daughter hears from him occasionally, and she tells me that he is building onto the house that he bought with/for ow.  He has been with her since before bombdrop but will not admit it.  It's so strange though because he never mentions her to anyone.  It's like she doesn't exist either.  I don't know what to think about that.  It has been easier to detach (though I have my moments.)   It feels like he just keeps getting farther away.  My daughter did tell me, that he was telling her, that he went to see a family home we had built when our children were school age.  She asked him why he did that, but he didn't give her an answer.  (Was he peaking out, or does it even mean anything?  I don't know.)  I also wonder if he is so detached that he has forgotten completely about me.  It's difficult to have hope sometimes.    I would be interested to hear what you all think.  Anyway, thank you for starting this.  I guess it's nice to know that I'm not the only one experiencing this, but I sure wish that you all didn't have to go through it, as well.  It's very hard!  Keeping you all in my prayers.  iHh     

[Voyager]

Thanks IHh
You've hit the nail on he head when you wonder if they vanish so completely that they just disappear and you and all you represent positive and negative disappear to them.
I know RCR's article talks about not contacting, but I do wonder though, it is a big risk for LBS with Vanishers, Perhaps  at first you have to sort out if they have actually vanished of just temporarily disappeared? When does one become the other, or is that too simplistic?

 I understand that contacting might make them run further, but perhaps a different approach is needed? Like touch and goes for the LBS, not full on contact but an e mail or text every few weeks, not saying anything controversial but reassuring or generally sort of bland and inoffensive?

Like you my H has not admitted the O/W to anyone although it's an open secret. He sent a card to my D last week which made me wonder if he was peeking out, but everything is in a vacuum with vanishers, you don't have anything to compare it with as the last contact may have been weeks or months ago. I worry that it's easier for them to become stuck in the tunnel as there are no seeds that can be sown or positive interactions to have to reassure them.

Again RCR wondered if they were actually working through their stuff quicker than boomerangers of clingers, from the card my H sent to my D I can only say it doesn't seem like that.

It certainly can be viewed as positive that we don't see the daily drama, but the downside is that I would welcome any interaction.  The danger, certainly for me as I'm relatively early on in the MLC process, is that the emotional investment in rare contacts mean that it's difficult not to feel vulnerable to disappointment. In some ways I dread the next contact because it may be the D or money talk, which would be hard to handle after not seeing him for a long time.

I wonder if I should volunteer to be a guinea pig and put different approaches in place to see what works for the good of future LBS with vanishers!!........for a substantial amount of danger money of course (lol) 

[godspromises]

While the MLCer implements and controls the vanishing, it certainly works to our advantage, at least in my case. I'm pretty sure the daily drama would have broke my standing by now. In the first two months after bomb drop and separation, we were in constant contact and the drama was very high. I noticed after a few weeks, that my W needed my anger to push her to do the negative things she was doing. Once we went NC, the air, so to speak was out of her drive to divorce.

The next couple of months were complete silence from both of us. In march of this year, I stirred the pot, trying to access where we were. This was very unsuccessful and the following Monday she filed. On my darkest day, God was still present, as the D was filed incorrectly, meaning that as far as our state was concerned, she hadn't filed. At this point, I understood that she wouldn't do anything unless I gave her the motivation and I welcomed the NC.

Since that decision, she has threatened to file many times, but hasn't followed through. This week she has started trying to reconnect to our oldest son and his family.
While the vanishing was the most painful thing I've ever had to endure, my decision to embrace it has up to this point saved my marriage. I knew from the very beginning, I had to outlast this time of anger and confusion to get to a place where we could rebuild. During this time, I have been able to take a deep look at what I contributed to the success and failure of our marriage and what I could do to improve my part. I don't think I could have made the progress I've made without her vanishing and me welcoming it.

I guess I've learned that important rule, "it's all in your perspective"

[Voyager]

Thanks GP
That's a good perspective on it, that the contact, even very limited, simply fuels the fire and pushes them into negative action. Still can't help wondering if there are similarities in personality type that makes some MLCers more likely to vanish. Certainly I know mine avoided confrontation, and still is, he never talked about his feelings and was very secretive. I suppose if I'm being honest he is not a strong person. Does that ring any bells for anyone??

[godspromises]

My W avoids confrontations, very guarded with her feeling, lacked self confidence(I totally missed this, as she projects self confidence). She also hates to apologize for anything wrong she does wrong to anyone.  I agree with you that there seems to be a personality type that vanishes. Maybe we can, through other contributions to this subject, we can unscientifically develop a profile type.

[Voyager]

Thanks GP,
I think it probably would be unscientific, but worth a shot! The next bit would be developing how to deal with the vanishing situation, and if/when they break cover, would it be the same as the other MLC types I wonder? 

[Courageous wife]

V

My H was the same in that he didn't talk about his feelings much and we rarely fought, BUT, when it came to work or something else, he was not at all afraid to confront when he felt wronged...and it if he didn't like what they were saying, it would almost always end up getting "loud"