[Dontgiveup]

good4you

I would recommend you read the blog about separation.  Just click on the blog link and on the right hand side of the page you will see past blog topics.  Click on the one about separation.....and read the comments at the end of the article.  RCR provides some input about Vanishers (most MLCers are not Vanishers) and there is a link about that you can click on as well.

You are early on in this, which was certainly the hardest part for me.  Read as much as you can....it will help you understand, accept, and cope.

[Foxberry]

Hi everyone,

I may be wrong, who knows, but I do believe given the situation, that I am married to a MLCer Vanisher.....BD was 14 September - despite just destroying my life and in total shock - my H allowed me to go away on my own to meet our friends from USA who had come to England...it took him 2 days to even text me to find out if I was alive or dead.   during that dreadful week he came to where we were all staying, "hid" away from our friends, couldn't face them with what he'd done - to tell me his "woe is me story" not interested really in what he'd done to me and the affect his awful lying, cheating, deceit and betrayal had done to our 28 year marriage and would I like to hear OW's story?  You can imagine how I reacted to that one!

We eventually came back to our home - the dreadful arguments ensued - with me in total disbelief that he would swap me! for someone else...you see I NEVER saw this coming...I thought he was my best friend, confidante and Husband - I knew he'd worked away a lot for a few years, but never once suspected he was just waiting for the moment when someone would come along, give him the adoration and attention I so obviously wasn't (lol)      and ditch me for some twice divorced woman, who has no morals and her own baggage.....but he was running away from our own debt, his"boring" life as he saw it, not achieved what he thought he should have, his successful son that he'd paid to have privately educated and I was the fall-out....goodbye - I'm swapping you in for a fresh start.....I still can't take it all in....

H came and went between her and me from 22 September until the final time on November 6 - literally running off in his car to OW - coming back home - expecting me to allow him to stay in our home and still see this B..ch that was the last time I've seen him    so it's exactly 5 months today....very, very sad....I have no idea where he is or where he's living...I know more or less where he is, 300 miles away in the south of England - probably with OW, but not sure...he has no spare money to rent anywhere and no friends "down there" so I assume he is living with OW and should really STOP kidding myself he's not....Since November 6 he has sent me 1 email, a few texts and I have rung him 3 times.....the last time being when I found out he'd invited this TART to stay at the hotel where his Company was holding their Xmas party! Idiot!!! it did not go down well with his Company at all as I found out from a mutual work colleague of his and mine.... I was told he'd been told to "have a week off" sort himself out or else..... so I called him to offer support and try and get him to see what he was doing to his life, me and his S - not interested....H is "happy" and had "made his choice"  so I have NC ever since.....

It has been so very, very hard on both me and our Son, who has not spoken to his Father since October??? What kind of a Father ignores his Son? nothing at Christmas or New Year...H's Birthday came and went in March and neither of us acknowleged it...

H's mail is still coming to our home...he's left some clothes, belongings and an office set up with his company's equipement still in it!!!!!  But NC at all....I don't know whether I'm coming or going and it's driving me mad.....it's my Son's birthday this weekend and we shall see if this 'Father' remembers to send his Son a card??? Will he? I doubt it, he didn't even text him at Christmas.  It's all about HIM and his happiness... To lose the love of your Son I cannot imagine, but that's what H has done...

So I'm sure if there is a Vanisher then I'm married to it?  I was today told that H also has what is termed as an Avoidant Personality, i.e. he will do anything to avoid conflict, pain and facing up to what he has done.... hence why he has managed to 'ignore' me, his Son and literally his past life for the past 6 months.... where I work they actually class this as a Pesonality Disorder....

That maybe so....doesn't make the pain and deep sadness any easier to bare....

Fox xxx

[mercury]

Foxberry

Well, welcome to the LBS group with vanishers. Mine was diagnosed with PTS disorder but I think personality disorder fits most MLCers. They all appear to have mastered avoidance and many are passive aggressive. I can feel your angry through your writing, work on you and detach, there is nothing that you can do that will fix your marriage or his relationship with your son. All you can do is hug your son and tell him it will be alright because in the end it will be. What ever they do or don't do is their problem, not yours.
Hugs

[Foxberry]

Hi Mercury,

Thank you - I know you're right, but how do you just switch off a lightswitch of 28 years of love and devotion??? I so wish I could....H was MY life....I only wish I'd seen the signs, which clearly there MUST have been, I could bite my tongue off thinking of all the silly, niggling, picky things I used to do and say...times I didn't tell him how much I loved him, let silly things annoy me and generally - probably took him "for granted" ... but he never talked to me about anything, how can you know there's something wrong unless someone talks to you?

So very very sad.....just at the time of our lives when I thought we knew everything there was to know about each other...and it turns out I didn't know him AT ALL!!!!          I suppose that's what hurts so very much...for just HOW long what he detaching from me, looking for an escape route or worse of all for me to imagine that he has done this before.  I realise now how easy I was to deceive.....

Fox xxx

[good4me]

Fox

Not sure if the MLC'er is planning and plotting exactly. I cannot really wrap my head around all of this yet. I know my H was complaining about how hard marriage is, getting old and fat, losing his hair, money troubles etc. Well first of all I NEVER said anything about his weight or hair loss- always told him I loved him just as he was. Guess it isn't enought to have the love and adoration of your wife though    As to money troubles, H spent more than half  of his income ( I don't even know exactly how much his paychecks were for) for work expenses and just on things he wanted. All the while I am shopping at thrift stores for Ann Taylor and Banana Republic clothes so we can save money for a house  Then H goes and leases a 2011 BMW for $1200 per month which was more than our rent on our apt $ 998 . Yeah money was tight for me and us but not for anything H wanted-sucks really .
Oh and anytime I tried to talk about what was bothering him he would get mad and shut down even more. No win situation for me. Now H is gone and looks happy -must be nice for him  While I look anorexic because depression does wonders for weight loss- better than the flat belly diet.
I am very sorry that your son is being hurt like this. The truly sad part is I bet at one time your H was a great father.
Just remembered asking my H where my H -that I love and married- was at . He answered that H was on vacation and didn't know when he was coming back. I told him the H I married needs to get back asap because this new H wasn't my H. It sounds crazy but you can probably relate to them being like the complete opposite of the men we married..

 

[mercury]

Foxberry

Time, a lot of time and a great deal of patience and love for yourself. Plus this site, has help me in so many ways I couldn't even list them all. I'm not all there yet, but take one day at a time. I doubt there was any signs, I rack my brain and can't only come up with a few. What you did or didn't do in the past did not cause this. You will learn that it really is all about their problems and all about them trying to avoid themselves. Don't blame yourself, he ran away, you didn't, he broke the marriage, you didn't. I though my life was perfect, we were just going to coast into retirement, but instead we hit a solid brick wall. I know it is very hard and it is also very hard to detach and GAL, but it is the only way.

Best Wishes

[Foxberry]

Oh and anytime I tried to talk about what was bothering him he would get mad and shut down even more. No win situation for me. Now H is gone and looks happy -must be nice for him  While I look anorexic because depression does wonders for weight loss- better than the flat belly diet.

Goodforyou - hi - how very very true!!!!   That's EXACTLY what happened with me too! every weekend I would say "what's the matter? You're very quiet?"  He'd say "Nothing Darling" but I could feel there was something wrong....when I pressed him then just as you say he would shut down, or march off upstairs etc., etc.,  Yes...the ONLY good thing to happen to me since all this appauling thing happened is I've lost 60lbs! and NEVER looked better in my life!  Just a shame he's not here to see me and is, instead, with a short, fat, unattractive, twice divorced woman with debt of her own, 2 grown up kids STILL at home and no family and friends now of his own - living over 300 miles away from where he's lived and known for 54 years.....

I am very sorry that your son is being hurt like this. The truly sad part is I bet at one time your H was a great father. Just remembered asking my H where my H -that I love and married- was at . He answered that H was on vacation and didn't know when he was coming back. I told him the H I married needs to get back asap because this new H wasn't my H. It sounds crazy but you can probably relate to them being like the complete opposite of the men we married.]

Yes when my S was younger there wasn't a single thing H wouldn't do for him, pay for, take him everywhere etc., etc., now?  H hasn't spoken to him since October and because I told H NOT to send either me or his Son a Christmas card, as we wanted nothing from him, he did exactly that! he didn't call, text, nothing  BIG FAT ZERO!!!  If he'd ever told me NOT to send my Son a card I would have completely ignored and gone ahead anyway.....what on earth is going on in his head...has this OW's family just taken over completely in 3 short months and we now don't exist anymore.... He has NO other family other than me and his Son....maybe he doesn't want us any more...

Fox xxx

[Foxberry]

Dear Mercury,

I think what you said hit the nail on the head! Time, a lot of time and a great deal of patience and love for yourself.

Patience has NEVER been my strong point, every day seems like an eternity and I don't love myself at all....H did a very good job on me, of making me feel that this is ALL my fault....several times he said "this would never have happened if we'd communicated" ...and so, so many other cruel things in which he seemed to "rubbish" everything I'd held dear...so I don't really know after 30 years together who I am really? i spent my life looking after him and trying to be a good wife and Mother...it seems from what my S tells me I was very successful at the latter but I can't have been the former can I? either H wouldn't have gone off with the FIRST THING with a pulse that showed the slightest interest in having an affair with him.....

So very sad    Fox 

[LoveMeMyself]

Foxberry,

   It wasn't YOU and it's NOT your fault.  Your H isn't thinking clearly.......he has a warped brain.  This is a "sickness", if you will and he is deep into it.  You are a good person and you will make it through this.  It is tough, that's for sure.  Nobody should have to endure such personal pain and hurt.  We do take things to heart but that's our nature.  You've got to trust yourself and believe in yourself.  Even your S validated the fact that you are a good mother.  Be kind to yourself and don't beat that dead horse! 

((((HUGS))))

[Foxberry]

Dear LovemyMan,

Thank you for your kind words...it's 5 months today since I've seen him..... I just can't understand any of it.... but for me, I have to say, the worst is knowing this OW KNOWS she has broken up someone's marriage of 28 years!!! I know H will have lied about me and probably said we didn't have a marriage and he was leaving me anyway, but that is SUCH an old chesnut isn't it?  Even if she was stupid enough to believe that, what kind of a woman who is still in the middle of her second divorce goes to bed with a married man because "his wife doesn't understand him" I thought that was just an urban legend.... She must be of such low morals it's unbelievable!!! and that in itself goes against everything my H stood for!?!

The other thing is OW has a 16 S of her own, how can she stand by and watch my H - this man she loves with all her heart and her soul apparently (I found that in an email) treat HIS Son so disgracefully???  There are so many different, dreadful and unfathomably strands to this awful scenario he has created that it gets so huge in my head I want to scream.  I do go to a counsellor and she told me recently that I'm actually on the fast spin cycle of the washing machine and I have to get out very soon......  I know what she means....I just keep going round and round and round.....

Please....someone tell me how do I get out of the cycle of hurt, bewilderment and sadness not just for me but for my S too.

Fox xxxxx