[JAG]

Hi there!

I was just thinking about the idea of detaching during MLC versus letting go during a "normal" separation/divorce.  I get it that our spouses are OVER us and in-love (or infatuated) with another...so their visits don't bring up these emotions in them...but they bring up emotions in us.

In the media we see so many celebraties dating soon after their separation/divorce.  In real life most of us know at least one couple that has separated/divorced after attempting to make things better.  Well, in these cases I believe that the letting go and moving from being in-love to simply loving the father or your children, or person (for those without children), occurs pretty soon....I guess there is a straighter, more direct path to the end of a marriage/relationship. 

When it comes to MLC, as we all are here for this reason, it is harder I find.  I have become quite good at this detachment.  My heart no longer jumps/skips a beat when he arrives and I am no longer devastated when he leaves.  However, what I am having a hard time doing is letting go of the love I feel for him.  I guess if I let go of the love than my stand turns into not standing....but how could I ever stop loving him? How can we ever completely detach when we still love these people? Can anyone explain this? I am detaching...but I am stopping to love.  If I don't stop loving him...how do I ever detach completely (especially when he comes by every 7 to 10 days)? 

[Thundarr]

Hey Jag,

I was thinking about something like this over the  weekend.  I think the hardest part about detaching for most of us is that the relationship didn't deteriorate over time which would have helped us to be able to just walk away and maybe even be relieved that it was over.  For most of us the relationship was GOOD and we did not see this coming.  If we had a bad relationship we wouldn't miss it and almost surely wouldn't stand in the face of what we are going through now, but in this case it's so hard to let go of something that was positive.  It's almost akin to giving up eating a food you hate as opposed to giving up one that you love.

This may be complete nonsense as I just got up and will probably read it later myself and say "What was I saying again?" but it did remind me of a thought trail I had over the weekend.

[justasking]

JAG

Detaching doesn't mean losing the love you have for your H. Detaching is getting to a place where your H can no longer hurt you emotionally.

As you become more and more detached you may feel that your love is lost and disappeared. But your love is still there waiting to be ignited when the time is right as you get to know each other again if you have another chance at a new relationship.

You sound as if you are well on your way to being totally detached 

xx

[B]

Funny JAG,

I was just reading the detaching article again.  It's one of the best ones I have seen.  I really struggle with the fear I will just stop loving him.  As I gain equilibrium and start enjoying my life I am questioning my marriage, but I DO know as Thundarr says it was essentially good and could have been made wonderful again with effort from both of us.

For me personally I have had people tell me I need a "break up" fling.  It seems society is ok with that as marriage like most things has become disposable.  My closest friends know this will never happen.  Some think it's because we can't move on, but I believe detaching enables us to just compartmentalise those romantic loving feelings.

When I don't see my H I am thinking of him lots but getting on with things.  When I see him, I look at him and realise I do love him very much still.  I have realised what helped me enormously was the decision to treat him with compassion, however obnoxious he and the OW were being.  I have had much more peace in my heart.  This has helped me detach and helped me be more compassionate and so it cycles.  It's definitely a work in progress, but separating my emotions from him has been amazing, but I do worry eventually the love will die.  I only ever wanted to be his wife.

[Seethegood]

I'm getting to place where he cannot hurt me because I do not have any (or hardly any) contact. But to be honest I am not really detached (nearly a year BD) as I think about him first thing when I get up to  when I go to bed, most of the time. I don't like myself for doing this as I don't think I enter his head much these days other than in a negative way,  with regards to the house and finances. I love him, or at least the person he was and hate the person he is now, which is a terrible thing to do, to hate someone, but that is how I feel some of the time. Maybe I should try harder to detach, maybe I'm a bit afraid to.
STG

[B]

Seethegood,

Hate is about passion so I think it's closely linked to love.  I'd worry when you wake up and don't think of him at all.  Just my two pence worth.

Standing is so complex and so personal.

B

[I believe in angels]

Hi I always remember  talking to someone whose h had a mid life crisis 25 yes ago and obviously she dud not understand what was. She divorced him and found someone else who she is happy married to for 20 yes. But she always said she still loved her first h but it was the 'love' not the 'in love' sort. Her h regretted the divorce by the way and leads a miserable life with the ow. He was one who did not get 'stuck' but had to try and make it work. He never married the ow just live together. This woman and her ex just talk as friends now but she still feels it.

[JAG]

for most of us is that the relationship didn't deteriorate over time which would have helped us to be able to just walk away and maybe even be relieved that it was over.  For most of us the relationship was GOOD and we did not see this coming. 

This makes complete sense and so true!

Detaching doesn't mean losing the love you have for your H. Detaching is getting to a place where your H can no longer hurt you emotionally.

Just asking....I like this! And I agree with this.  I think I am at that place....it has been a long time since I felt anger or my heart racing  (whether it is when he sends an email or when he says something).  In short, I don't get angry at him or mad at him, I don't sit up at night thinking about what he is doing or who he is doing it with.  I simply don't.  I am detached emotionally in the way that he NO LONGER can get to me or hurt me.  I am in control of my destiny and my kids.  But...as you said, the love I have for him is still here...strange isn't it?

but I do worry eventually the love will die.  I only ever wanted to be his wife.

I think this is everyone's fear....because, at the end of the day, we loved them so very much and were willing to spend our entire lives with them...that is saying a lot! Why would anyone NOT want to feel what we had again? So of course we are scared of losing that...we would be crazy not to!

as I think about him first thing when I get up to  when I go to bed, most of the time.

I don't think this means not being detached.  I think about my H often....but I don't think about him in a longing way....I think of him as if he were on a business trip and I miss him....I play with my kids and think about H and how the old him would have fun....I hear a song on the radio and I think of him....but again...this is normal and I don't think it is because you are not detached, I think it is because for so many years he was a part of your life...and will always be in a way...

[calamity]

I'm getting to place where he cannot hurt me because I do not have any (or hardly any) contact. But to be honest I am not really detached (nearly a year BD) as I think about him first thing when I get up to  when I go to bed, most of the time. I don't like myself for doing this as I don't think I enter his head much these days other than in a negative way,  with regards to the house and finances. I love him, or at least the person he was and hate the person he is now, which is a terrible thing to do, to hate someone, but that is how I feel some of the time. Maybe I should try harder to detach, maybe I'm a bit afraid to.
STG

I could have written this.  BD was 17 months ago. 

Hey Jag,

I was thinking about something like this over the  weekend.  I think the hardest part about detaching for most of us is that the relationship didn't deteriorate over time which would have helped us to be able to just walk away and maybe even be relieved that it was over.  For most of us the relationship was GOOD and we did not see this coming.  If we had a bad relationship we wouldn't miss it and almost surely wouldn't stand in the face of what we are going through now, but in this case it's so hard to let go of something that was positive.  It's almost akin to giving up eating a food you hate as opposed to giving up one that you love.

This may be complete nonsense as I just got up and will probably read it later myself and say "What was I saying again?" but it did remind me of a thought trail I had over the weekend.

This too, makes perfect sense.

Well you 2 saved me some writing!

[justasking]

I'd worry when you wake up and don't think of him at all.

When truly detached you do wake in the morning and never think of him/her. Some days I never think of my H! In totally detaching your should be leading your life for you and moving forward. There will be times you will get knocked sideways but you will regain your detachment quickly.

Unfortunately detachment doesn't come overnight. It can take 2 or even 3 years sometimes to truly get there. But throughout this time detachment grows. Letting our spouses pull us in emotionally hinders the process as we have to deal with the fall out before finding solid ground again.