[justasking]

This isn't my situation but a friends.

Her OW has been back home for 3 months. The pa with OW has finished but there is still texting occasionally between them. Unfortunately they work together daily so staying apart is difficult.

Any one got any advice on how to handle this? She is trying to detach but finds it difficult as her H is 'normal' towards her in every other way except no physical love yet.

[OldPilot]

While the OW is still involved he is still in replay, She should try to stay detached and dim/dark as best as possible. Validate, and give him space. It is hard but it can be done. 
This time is best spent working on improving the LBS, Be the best MOM she can be and GAL, do hobbies, keep her mind off of WH.

Read as much as you can on MLC.
Knowledge is power!

[Rollercoasterider]

Hi Justasking,

Does your friend not want to post herself? I'm not saying she should, this is fine, but just checking. My best friend Lingy wouldn't post either--she said she couldn't remember her password, but that was likely an excuse since she could have used the forgot password function. I posted for her.

Her OW has been back home for 3 months. The pa with OW has finished but there is still texting occasionally between them. Unfortunately they work together daily so staying apart is difficult.

There is not a litmus test for each stage. Many believe that an OW cannot outlast Replay. What is more true is the likelihood that an OW will not outlast Replay. But I've seen plenty of situations where the OW remains through out Liminality. This becomes especially fuzzy as they approach the boundaries between stages--drinking from the Liminal Pool and running back to Replay, but remaining close to the water's edge.

High-energy Replay behaviour may die out as they approach Liminality and they will display greater depression, but it will seem low-grade and thus you will wonder. We all want obvious signs, but most things are subtle.

But that is not what this is about--Replay versus another stage. This affair is not over. I don't know how long he was gone or when the Bomb was dropped, but I will bet he will cycle away and leave again.

I went through this precise scenarion on multiple occasions with Sweetheart. He was a 3-monther. Home for 3 and gone for 3--until I broke that pattern. But even then he remained a 3-monther in what he wanted to do. Sweetheart would move home and I would often have himm sleep on the couch for a transition the first few weeks--I caved on this one quite a bit. But I did not cave on resuming sex. I have a no-bed-hopping policy and a must be tested for STDs policy. He gave the appearance of trying to be good for a couple of weeks and then the OW contact began to resume--if it had stopped at all. As it resumed things gradually became worse at home.

Sometimes he was obvious--leaving evidence such as paperwork from OWs work or his cell phone with text messages where I could see them. But some of it was more subtle. He would arrive home about 15-30 minutes later from work. I knew that they often asked him to stay late, but not always and thus I did not know when he was truly staying late or not. I simply knew he saw her--at her work on such occasions.

At about the 2-month period he began escalating more severely and taunting me with his leaving. On one return he kept saying the next Monday was the day he would leave, but Monday kept going by. I always knew that he would leave and it would be soon.

Are they in counseling?

When Sweetheart was still at this stage he was not ready for counseling--refusing if I requested--so I stopped pushing, knowing that was for the future.

If he refuses counseling, that is a big clue that he is not ready.

Given all of that, I think that if she is strong enough to deal with an at-home MLCer, there are advantages to his being in the home. Odds are he will leave again, but she now has the opportunity to Pave the Way with him directly present and she is learning valuable commun ication skills about dealing with a difficult person. If she can handle it--that is key--this is beneficial to Standing and can enable a smoother return when it is Real. Sweetheart and I did much of our repair during his multiple times he came back. Since I knew those were likely not permanent returns, I did not allow the cycling to hurt me even more. For many this type of situation causes the LBS greater damage, but understanding what it is and how it can be used to benefit can soften that damage. It still hurt, but I knew what was going on and that helped me.

Is she in counseling?
She should be seeing a counselor on her own and request her MLCer attend with her, but accept it if he refuses--for the time-being.

Detaching with an at-home MLCer is even more important than Detaching when he is away. She needs to be able to getaway. Take long walks, go for a drive. Go to a park with a lot of greenery.

He may seem normal now, but that may change. She needs to be patient. No asking about sex yet. If this continues, perhaps she can ask--rather than initiate--at about the 6 month period.

She needs to be prepared for the possibility that this crisis is far from over.

HUGS,
RCR

[justasking]

Thanks RCR

No she won't post so I am happy at this time to help her.

Her H asked to come home and wanted the marriage to continue. He is very tactile with her but no sex although they share the same bed.  She knows that they continue to text each other as she got one by accident!

H seems much les depressed, participates in family life and pays my friend compliments. Its just like an addiction with OW. Not sure whether he initiates recontact or he does.

One problem is that if he goes again she can't have him back. His children who are in their 20's and late teens and still at home have stated the boundary that she will have to choose next time them or their dad. My friend is in a real dillemna. I think her instinct is that he needs to go but is afraid because that will be the end of their marriage.

[HeartsBlessing]

One problem is that if he goes again she can't have him back. His children who are in their 20's and late teens and still at home have stated the boundary that she will have to choose next time them or their dad. My friend is in a real dillemna. I think her instinct is that he needs to go but is afraid because that will be the end of their marriage.

I'm sorry, but the children should have NO say in this, the problems such as they are, are between the HUSBAND AND WIFE,  and do NOT involve the children at all.  Now, that's my two-cents worth...the children are using controlling and manipulating behavior, not to mention  the use of "emotional blackmail" to get THEIR way, and should NOT be allowed to happen.

My son was 15 at the time my husband was going through his MLC, OW was in the picture, and son had stumbled into us having another one of those "can't win" argruments", observed his dad talking to me like I was crap, got angry, demanding that I get a divorce because of how his dad was treating me.  I reminded my son that the problems were between me and his dad, and had NOTHING to do with him.
And I meant EVERY word I said to him.  No matter what happens, the children are taken care of....and she needs to remind them of that.

Those children may set those type of boundaries, but IMHO, your friend is entitled to do whatever she feels she needs to in regards to her marriage.  That is a SEPARATE relationship from the one that exists between children and parents.


I do NOT want to come across as harsh, but people have a right to make decisions as they see fit, and children should NEVER be allowed to dictate what a parent is going to do/not do in a situation.

Our son is now 23, in the process of moving out on his own, but he NEVER interferes with problems between us; he learned that during my husband's MLC..apparently a good example was set for him during that time.

I hope it all works out with your friend.


P.S.  I re-read what you said, and see the children are in their 20's, late teens...why are they still living at home?  Is their "boundary" because this is interfering with their comfort or something?  Maybe they need to move on, move out and get a life...they are being totally disrespectful toward their mother, by asking her to choose between them and her husband.

[MarkedandHealed]

I agree that the children should have no say in the matter. Can she explain to them her views and is she strong in her views? Perhaps she needs to work on realizing what she wants out of this and strengthen her resolve along with her inner self. If she's letting the kids boss her around like this, she may have some self esteem issues. Teen/young adult or not, she is the mom and they have to respect her. I'm almost middle aged and I would never think to tell my mom what she can and can't do. Perhaps they mean it to show they are protective of her, but it doesn't come across that way.

[justasking]

I couldn't agree more about the children. It is their way of trying to protect her.

One of the children who has her own house found her dad and OW ina position you wouldn't want ofind you dad with OW so she has a lot of anger.

When this firast occured I think her biggest mistake was not to make it plain to their children that she would have him back if he wanted to come back.

[MarkedandHealed]

Ah, that explains some of it. Seeing dad in that position is not the best situation, is it? It's not too late for her to make it known to them what her stand is.

[justasking]

Just a quick update.

The contact between OW and H now appears to have finished. H seems more settled and loving towards my friend. He is starting to talk about his journey.

My main concern now is that he is home to soon and will run again at some time in the future.

[Buggy31]

How do you set and inforce boundaries about contact with OW when you have no tangible proof of the affair?  Do you bluff?  Do you just say you KNOW and don't reveal how?  Do you threaten to contact the OW and ask (is this a really bad idea?
I know know know something is going on but don't have a way to monitor or enforce my boundary so it complicates my conditions for staying and leaving a bit. His actions speak a thousand words.