[StillStanding]

They may think there is no chance even if they know the LBS does want to reconcile. They fear a return to old patterns, that she won't be able to forgive, the they won't be able to get through their shame and guilt...they may simply see the difficulty ahead and believe it is impossible or at least improbable...and withdraw into their fears.

So what do you do if this is the case?  How do you get through that?

As mercury said, they have to work through that themselves; all you can do is be strong and consistent.

If your spouse knows that you are willing to work on things and don't want a divorce, and you don't say or do anything to contradict yourself or send mixed messages (assuming that you are not ending your Stand), then they will come to you when they feel they are ready.

[justasking]

When the MLC er withdraws the standing spouse  must wait patiently for the right moment when he/she reaches out. No pressure and no expectations.

When they reach out they need kindness and trust and forgiveness that allows them to move forward again and complete their journey. The reaching out by the LBS towards them allows the MLCer to stand on more solid ground.

If the spouse isn't standing then they face their future looking for love and companionship with the risk of withdrawing further into the tunnel for longer as they face the disintegration of the old life they had.

[HeartsBlessing]

When they reach out they need kindness and trust and forgiveness that allows them to move forward again and complete their journey. The reaching out by the LBS towards them allows the MLCer to stand on more solid ground.

Some don't believe that, preferring instead to believe the MLC'er must "prove" themselves, while the LBS stands around and does nothing in the way or reconnection.

Just so you know, I don't agree with the above statement I just wrote.

JA, you've hit it right on the money; I just wish more people understood this the way you've so clearly written it. 

In my own experience, it takes TWO people to reconnect; one to initiate, the other to respond.

Although trust has to be rebuilt; reconnection must happen in order to move forward.

The past cannot be changed; only accepted, forgiven and healed from, and this takes TIME.

You run the risk of pushing the MLC'er away during a time when they are trying to reconnect, IF you don't fully realize that they are hurting and wounded...and those wounds have to heal.

It takes the LBS to help with those wounds, by being understanding, loving and patient; as the MLC'er comes through to finish the journey.

Thanks for saying  that, JA; it confirms my own thoughts on the process. 

[Butterfly]

This is just a general observation about my situation and would appreciate anyone's thoughts.
My H is living with male friend from work , several years younger.
My h's OW is over there all the time, even overnight, (I think). She is divorcing or is divorced and has her own house. I don't understand why my h doesn't hang out there, where they would be alone. Odd to me they would stay where there is no privacy.

H's roommate is not dating. Kind of nerd but really sweet. So not like there are wild parties.

House is small so there would definitely be no privacy. It would be like carrying on an affair with your parents in the next room. To me, anyway.

Just curious about the psychotic nature of that set up.

[JustFine&Dandy]

I'm curious if anyone else has a spouse with an OW or OM from their past?  Does a history made the relationship harder for the spouse to give up?

My H's OW is a girlfriend from high school.  Also, he was dating her when his mom died (which I believe her sudden death is the root of his MLC).  He has told me that he has ALWAYS had feelings for her, and they even "talked" a few years ago, but they didn't allow it to continue.

It's like they think they have this magical relationship that defies all reason and they should be together no matter what (like the Notebook).  It's so frustrating because I know he still sees her as his young, pretty prom date, and I'm the 40-something Mom taking the kids to the football game. 

I really don't get it.  I can't imagine any old high school boyfriend or crush I would want to be with now.  I'm not the same person I was 20 years ago...

[hurt01]

S O,

My H,s OW is his old high school flame. Don,t know if it makes a diffrence or not. H hasn,t mentioned her since we dated. And that was only once.

In RCR article it is said that some do reconnect with old gf. I guess it is part of going back to their teen age years.

But if he loved her so much why not marry her? Our H chose us to spend their lives with and have their children. I to have questioned this. But I don,t remember putting a gun to H head and forcing him to marry me.

None of us are the same people we were 20yrs ago. They can not go back and it be the same in my PO. If these old flames were such a catch our H wouldn,t have thrown them back.

OW is an affair down! It has taken me along time to see this in my sitch and it truly sink in. But these women are controling and minipulative. ( They make our H wear matching shirts in public. LOL )

 

[In this for ME]

The ow in my H's case is someone he knew casually many years ago. Anytime we would run into her she would simply pretend I wasn't there and continue her "cow eyes" at him. I never really let that bother me. I think we ran into her about 3 times in 20 or so years. He bumped into her in the grocery store this spring. That's how this whole mess got started. With her anyway. So I'd say no history here; but it's being made now.

[JustFine&Dandy]

Hurt01 - Yes, I can really see how an Old Flame can make the MLC'er feel like they have gone back in time.  My H has even commented how "old" other men his age look.  In our sitch, the OW is also an affair down.  She is about three years younger than me, but honestly, she looks ten years older than what she is.  She looks like she has been a "tanorexic" and her hair is way blonder than it should be.  I always get compliments that I look younger than what I am .  The matching shirts for your H and OW are hilarious!  They needed to have "I'm with Stupid" written across the front!

in this for the long haul - It sounds like even if they didn't have a history, there was some attraction that went back.  Still, we are humans, not animals, and we have control over our actions!  I remember running into OW with H a few times, too.  I knew they dated, but I didn't think too much about it...  There was always something about her I didn't like though...

[In this for ME]

I've got the same problem.

If she was a decent human being it might be differnt. But she's never worked a day in her life she's figured out how to live off the system. She's a virtual gypsy and junk collector living off the "poor poor me" adage. That's what's attactive to him. Someone he can "help" or rescue or save somehow. She has probaly taken advantage of just about everyone she meets and I DON"T want my daughters around her!!

He plead when he was moving her (in the RV he bought) to the back property behind the house that d14 and d17 needed to show 'compassion' I didn't even know he knew what the word was!
They didn't buy it.
He refered to me in an email to d17 as to what an indepedent strong woman I was. And a wonderful example of a mother. Guess that must have worn off in attraction to me for him.

[JustFine&Dandy]

Yes, that's how my H's OW is, and he gets to be the "knight in shining armor!"  I have more education and have always had a better job than H.  He has told me that he feels dumb around me sometimes...  So, now he's with someone he feels equal or better than.  Also, her D's father is a drug addict and currently in jail.  H says her D "took right up with him" so he also gets to rescue a poor little girl with a SOB as a dad.  Would you believe he asked the therapist if it was possible for a man to go through postpartum depression after having a vasectomy, and maybe that's why he felt so drawn to her D???

My H also makes comments about how strong I am.  Maybe strength intimidates the MLC'er, and they feel more comfortable around someone who is weak...