[Trustandlove]

Interesting thing about divorced people saying that they have great r's with their exes, even if they haven't reconciled; yes, I do know some of those, but those have mostly been people for whom divorce was a mutual decision.

I am perfectly cordial with H, but one thing that I've thought lots about is that I don't know if I even want to get to the point of a good r, if that r is all on his terms.  I can forgive, absolutely, but as the book says, forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean reconciliation.

So far my H only wants an r on his terms, that is for us to be friendly, but no obligations.  So pals, again, only when it suits him.   I don't want that; if that's all that's on offer then I don't think there's much there.  I think he wants that to show that he's the good guy, that he didn't make a mess, and so on.   

If he genuinely shows some caring for me, or really thought about what S needed, perhaps I'd think differently, but for now this is how it is. 

No matter what I'm not willing to have a one-sided r, so perhaps really there won't be anything more than being cordial at children's events in the future.    I will of course always be a "true" friend, one in need, and so on. 

Don't know if I'm expressing myself well here; I'm not trying to say the only r I'd ever be willing to have is marriage (although right now I'm still sort of hovering there...), but pals on his terms only really isn't on. 

Perhaps that's also because this is still the middle; none of that is clear yet. 

Also, I've pretty much always been of the mindset that "If we could be friends, we could be married."  So something to think about. 

[poussin]

Perhaps that's also because this is still the middle; none of that is clear yet. 

Interesting and so true.
Poussin

[GBM]

Oh T&L, I think that you expressed yourself beautifully; perfectly in fact.  I feel the same way. 

As you may or may not remember, xh and I were dating, and reconnecting on a fairly serious level.  That ended because despite his words to the contrary, he wanted to dictate all the terms of the relationship.  He tried to bully me, and there is no way that I am going to be bullied.  Naturally this “situation” has touched almost every aspect of my life, and the lives of my children.  I can’t be myself around him, because at the slightest hint of the past, he thinks I am attacking him.  I have thoroughly examined that possibility, and it’s completely untrue.  His perception is warped.

Like I said before, 6 years and beyond have been spent with a tremendous amount of turmoil, struggle, devastation, and heartache.  Within those hardships I have found strength and growth, and I have many lessons that I would like to share. If we cannot share our respective histories with one another, how can we have a friendship?

His fears and his inability to face himself are preventing him from experiencing the most profound lessons in life, and he could receive the deepest love that he could ever have.  He may simply be unable to, and that is very sad.  He has his fingers in his ears and saying “la-la-la… I can’t hear you”.  What kind of a relationship is that?

I feel the same way, however.  If he ever reaches out to me in need, I will always be here for him and treat him with compassion and love. 

[Trustandlove]

Hi, GBM -- thanks for that; I was actually wondering how you were doing and what was going on with you and your H, as you are one who has been in this for a long time as well. 

I'm sorry about the bullying; really.  It's such a shame, when we are willing to give so much.  I know I am, but there really does have to be something back. 

If we cannot share our respective histories with one another, how can we have a friendship?   

That says it so well.  And from it follows what I said earlier:  if we can be friends, I mean real friends, then we can be married.

That also requires us to be able to listen to things we might rather not hear about what he'd been doing; I had some of that a few years ago from him when he was opening up a lot.  It's not pleasant, but honesty is important, and while we don't need to know everything, some of it is necessary. 

Well done for sticking to your values and continuing to be a lighthouse. 

[Peony2012]

His fears and his inability to face himself are preventing him from experiencing the most profound lessons in life, and he could receive the deepest love that he could ever have.  He may simply be unable to, and that is very sad.  He has his fingers in his ears and saying “la-la-la… I can’t hear you”.  What kind of a relationship is that?

I feel the same way, however.  If he ever reaches out to me in need, I will always be here for him and treat him with compassion and love.

THANK you GBM for putting this into words so beautifully. This is my H but I couldn't have expressed it in the same way.
Peony xxx

[onedayatatime]

Hi all,

Limitless, thanks for starting this thread.  It is nice to read other points of views/feelings regarding the middle of this seemingly never ending journey.

I have progressed on many levels, but still struggle in other ways.  My timeline matches Musica's the most closely. My BD was 2/16/10, but knew something was awry in 2009.  However, my h(x), is a vanisher - more so now than ever.  I will say though any time I have contacted him since he left in April 2010, even as recently as a couple mos. ago, he has responded immediately - not sure what this means, if anything.  I choose to think of it as a positive sign.

My current feelings/status is I am divorced, but standing even though I know he is out dating and seems to have moved on in his new normal.  On one hand, I am taking this time to self reflect and heal on all levels.  However, I know I would like to be married again one day whether it is to h(x) or someone else.   

I find it challenging sometimes to detach "enough" yet to hold onto a hope of "one day"...think this is what I am struggling with at the moment.  The theme seems to be to detach and live your live as if, well if I lived my life as if he was never returning, I would have gotten my annulment with the church soon after the divorce in Aug 2010 and starting dating.   

I think if I could severe my feelings from "my h" and hopes of reconciliation and move on it would be the "easier" path  to take for the sake of my family and friends.  Almost three years later, they still loath him for what he has done and even his own family is still confused.  I, on the other hand, am able to speak of him kindly and with the love from our 17 yrs together, which really bothers family and friends.   

When I was reflecting this morning on what to write on this thread, I came across this:
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”.  His word is the light I am holding onto during this long, dark part of the middle of this journey.

Since it is Thanksgiving Day, I want to say I am thankful for all of you who are kind enough to share your thoughts and feelings on this site.  It does offer some solace that I am not alone on this journey.

ODAAT

     

       

[xyzcf]

Quote from: GBM on Today at 05:37:43 AM

His fears and his inability to face himself are preventing him from experiencing the most profound lessons in life, and he could receive the deepest love that he could ever have.  He may simply be unable to, and that is very sad.  He has his fingers in his ears and saying “la-la-la… I can’t hear you”.  What kind of a relationship is that?

I feel the same way, however.  If he ever reaches out to me in need, I will always be here for him and treat him with compassion and love.

GBM....this is wonderful! I pray that they will be able to look and face what they need to do in order to grow and that we rememeber, they are still entitled to our love....whether they return or not.

[superdog]

Hiya, another "middler" here. BD June 2009 !

I definitely think this is the toughest part as we've had so much to deal with, we're tired of MLC, our patience is wearing thin and the emotional vampires keep biting us for more. It's a huge time of " i give up". Maybe that's the point though? We truly are thinking of giving up and our H's can tell and they process more.

they are still entitled to our love....whether they return or not.

Sorry xyzcf, i can't get with the "entitled" part. Worthy maybe, but not entitled. The only thing they are entitled to IMO is their health and happiness. Love is love and cant be switched off, but it fades away like a plant that doesn't get waterred.


SD
x

[I believe in angels]

Hi everyone, not sure if I am or h is in the middle, I don't know. I do know that I will be ok ish whatever happens but always my answers to any questions with regards to me, my h, our marriage, MLc, is I don't know. X

[Anjae]

It is the same as with you, Trustandlove, I don't a relationship with my husband if it is on his terms. Being it marriage or friendship. They wan't to be close because, like you've said, that way they can be see as the good guy.

I'm with Superdog, xyzcf, don't think they are entitled to our love. Worthy, maybe and even that is up to us.