[Still]

Still, I am delighted to see you poke your head in here. You were a model of grace and civility for me in the beginning. I based a lot of my responses on how you dealt with your H.

LearningIamok,

That was very sweet. The truth of the matter is that our spouses may never become vulnerable enough to look inside. For me, hope and prayer are my two constants. I just keep thinking that God would not allow us to endure a situation that he won't use to make something beautiful in the end. He will not interfere with free will and that is the unknown variable. If our spouses do not look within themselves to see the parts that they would despise in others, they will never come to that place to fully heal. Some will always run. That may be my h. Only time will tell.

Quite honestly, at this stage of the situation, no one can really know how they will feel.

[Returned]

I am honestly relieved to be in the middle, now more than one year post BD.
I remember the raw agonizing pain of the beginning (insomnia, weight loss, panic...)
Then the tears of the months that followed (this can't be true....)and the emotions I felt when I saw him.
Then gradually crawling to my feet.....by 8 months post bomb drop my life was starting to structure itself (new job, new life)
Now when I see him I recognize that the problem is with him...he is bitter and angry, and I am happy with my job and my new life.
There are longer periods of silence....and I am okay with that. Honestly I feel like he has made a shambles of his life.
I feel blessed in many ways, wonderful job, great friends, although his leaving has ruined me financially.

Still there are moments of intense loneliness, mostly in the middle of the night.

[Stillpraying]

I too look at H and he doesn't really look happy.  Maybe that's just becuase I am there at that moment.

He is still trying to control or bully me and I need to learn to detach and not take everything personally.

I feel he is in the belly of the tunnel.  I have no idea if he'll ever come out.  I think he is afraid to.  He AVOIDS ANYTHING that may remind him of what he has done or may wake him up to it.  It's really that obvious.

I feel I am going through a new grief process of realising that my marriage was never what a marriage is intended to be and that H is just not a man of integrity and never was with me.  It hurts so much to know that this was all a facade but I can't completely walk away because of the children and the reality is he will always be their dad.

[Peony2012]

Stillpraying and onwardandupward,
you spoke from my heart.. thank you!!

He is still trying to control or bully me and I need to learn to detach and not take everything personally.

I feel he is in the belly of the tunnel.  I have no idea if he'll ever come out.  I think he is afraid to.  He AVOIDS ANYTHING that may remind him of what he has done or may wake him up to it.  It's really that obvious.

I feel I am going through a new grief process of realising that my marriage was never what a marriage is intended to be and that H is just not a man of integrity and never was with me.  It hurts so much to know that this was all a facade but I can't completely walk away because of the children and the reality is he will always be their dad.

This is SO true for me too. Stillpraying, the only difference is, I am WONDERING if H is not a man or integrity and MAYBE my marriage was never what it was intended to be. I'm struggling with this one right now purely because I can't see how someone can wear a mask for 10 years - also, I just can't see how my instincts could have been so wrong.. was I blinded? Maybe I wanted to see something that just wasn't there? It's hard work trying to figure that one out. These days, I haven't seen loving, funny and happy H for so long that it seems like a shadow... He's a shadow of his former self.

LOVE
peony XXX

[Doc Hudson]

I feel I am going through a new grief process of realising that my marriage was never what a marriage is intended to be and that H is just not a man of integrity and never was with me.  It hurts so much to know that this was all a facade but I can't completely walk away because of the children and the reality is he will always be their dad.

Amen.

[Chrysalis]

I'm feeling like Stillpraying and Peony too.  It's now nearly 27 months since BD and I'm finding it harder rather than easier. I too feel like maybe I just imagined the relationship I thought we had.

I heard him on the phone to OW in the office just now.  He says everything as quietly and in as opaque terms as possible (presumably to try and disguise who he is talking to) but it is so hard.  As you say, can he really have worn a mask for sixteen years and now I'm seeing the real person, or is this definitely the fake?  Whichever way it is, it certainly doesn't look like the mask will fall any time soon - if ever.

C
xx

[Chickpea]

Chys:  Everyone tells me- they weren't wearing a mask at the time- but now they have changed and he is not the same man.  My h told me before he left, he was a different man than the one I fell in love with.  But, he also said, he liked who he was now and I didn't love who he was, so he didn't love me anymore and left...and will never return.  End of story. 

[Doc Hudson]

Chys:  Everyone tells me- they weren't wearing a mask at the time- but now they have changed and he is not the same man.  My h told me before he left, he was a different man than the one I fell in love with.  But, he also said, he liked who he was now and I didn't love who he was, so he didn't love me anymore and left...and will never return.  End of story.

I heard something similar.  When I said to her "This is not who you are.", she replied  "Yes, it is.  This is the real me.  Always was." and her actions since that date have never been any different.  That was three years ago.  No healthy individual can wear a mask for all those years, but they did.  The logical conclusion from this is that they were not healthy.  I can't argue with that conclusion.

[dragonfly]

Great topic! Stillpraying, I feel you hit the nail on the head. The rose coloured glasses fall off and it's not a pretty sight. I think MLC definately plays a big role in Hbehavior, but the traits were there already. In MLC they were magnified a thousand times. Not possible anymore to sweep the big elephant in the room under the carpet....

Yes, I'm a middle school student as well. When I think about the middle, I feel that it is somewhere in the middle of the path and transition from "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED???" to feeling comfortable in the new "normal".

BD February 2009, returned shellshocked to my home country with three big bags and two little girls (1 & 5 years old) in tow. It's 45 months later now. I survived the drama, rebuild my life. But where I invested my love, I invested my life. The return on my investment is not impressive. H seems to feel comfortable and secure in his new life. He is not acting bat$hit crazy anymore. He realizes he was. His words "I don't know where I have been, it feels like I was on another planet". How MLC Script is that?? But he has no second thoughts and is enjoying his bachelor life.

I'm wondering about the rest of my "later". I never ever pictured myself in my fourties as a single woman, leave alone as a single mum. How will I shape my future? I guess this is the the next goal: to be a good student on the advanced college of Dragonfly!

[LoveMeMyself]

I've been reading this thread and following it closely.  I suppose I am in the middle of this mess as well.........just past year 3 of BD.  So many others have already posted some very true and well put thoughts of their own in regards to this "middle" stage.  I can relate and truly "feel" almost all of them.  I can now say thank goodness I am past the beginning........all the hurt and pain and just utter shock of it all........so sorry for any and all the newbies!  So, where to go from here?  I feel the worst is truly behind me...........or is it? 

I relate to dragonfly as my exH now seems very content and "happy" with his new single life......but is he really?  I have no true way of knowing.  I will say my gut feeling is telling me no....he is not really happy......he hasn't figured it all out enough yet.  My exH also seems to be more "normal" now.....but that's just a guess from the few contacts/communication moments I've had with him. So, it really is hard to say. 

I don't really feel "stuck" but I do seem to be at a point of trying to figure out what next....but most days are just typical going through the motion days........one day at a time.......but isn't that how we live life anyway?  Sure, before this happened we had a spouse to share our thoughts, hopes and dreams of the future with.........now......it is all on us.........at least until that day when a miracle happens. 

I'm still hoping and praying.  I just want the nightmare to be over!

Thanks for starting this Limitless.  It's good to read and share thoughts on this side of the spectrum.

(((HUGS)))