[Faith]

Still & Ready, yes I do realize that MCLers may have a master plan of pushing us beyond our limits so we file and give them the chance to heap more blame on us.  IMO that's about as low as a person can go, but I have no doubt they do sink to that level.

On the other hand, if divorce is the eventual outcome...why prolong this any longer?  Does anyone have a crystal ball I could borrow?

Sign me up (or my H rather) for those shock treatments too!!

[xyzcf]

I don't think filing for a divorce will have an impact...it may actually push him further away. If there is no reason, then think carefully before you go that route.

But, make sure you are keeping an eye on your finances and it doesn't hurt to make an appointment with a lawyer...bring a copy of all your investments so that they have it on file.

Having said that,. I did file for a separation...still don't want it but I don't see a choice in our particular situation. I like what your pastor said about waiting...God Himself suffered pain greater than we can ever imagine...so He know's what we are suffering and knows every tear that we cry. He is also the only way that your H can turn his life around. Good luck..keep posting

[Dontgiveup]

Faith

My MLCer divorced me, but I am far from calling it the outcome.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Yes, but your MLCer forced it. We are talking about the LBSer pushing the low energy MLCer into divorce. That will be the end in my opinion because the Low level MLCer is not going to feel any need to go back and will feel that the LBSer wouldn't take them back anyway.

Just my two cents...

[Dontgiveup]

Ready

Yep, that's what I was saying.  Faith said she just wanted something to happen.....but knew not to do anything.  I just see people posting here once in a while referring to divorce as "the end"......and my experience is showing me that's not necessarily true.

[Faith]

Do any of you ever wonder if your low energy MLCer is quietly getting his/her ducks in a row before hitting you with a divorce?  Maybe hiding money or assets?  Like the typical MLCer, my H really just seems confused and spinning around with no direction, but occasionally I wonder if I'm underestimating him.

I consulted with several lawyers because seemed particularly determined during his 4th cycle of "I'm divorcing you next week".  All of them told me that there is no way to stop him from hiding money etc. without a divorce in motion, but that most financial shenanigans are discovered eventually.  I just keep praying for God's protection in this area.

[HeartsBlessing]

Faith,

Do any of you ever wonder if your low energy MLCer is quietly getting his/her ducks in a row before hitting you with a divorce?  Maybe hiding money or assets?  Like the typical MLCer, my H really just seems confused and spinning around with no direction, but occasionally I wonder if I'm underestimating him.

What does your intuition tell you?  Or do you know how to listen for it?  It's the still, small voice inside you that doesn't shout; and you have to be quiet to hear it.

When divorce or leaving is threatened; it's a demand for space..is there some area where you are getting too close for comfort?

Every time I said anything to my husband that was truth, he threatened to leave; and I learned to say nothing to him; until the time came when he threatened me for the last time, and I told him IF that was what he wanted to do; he knew where the door was.

You can't stop your husband from getting a divorce IF he truly wants one; but you can leave that choice on his shoulders while you take steps to protect yourself financially.

It's something to think about...I feel that pressure is coming from somewhere that you don't realize; and you may be saying something to him that he interprets as pressure; hence the threat.

Not trying to criticize you or tell you what to do; but I did find that the pressure was coming from me; and I had to stop talking to him; unless he talked to me, first.

Food for thought.

[Trustandlove]

You don’t have to verbalize you are Standing for a person to feel like you are hitting them over the head.   Your MLCer has exhibited such feelings when he has told you he wants you to move on and he wishes you would let go.

He needs to feel you releasing. How? Making him jealous and afraid he will lose you won’t work. But he needs to feel you loosening up around him—no eggshells. Relax. He doesn’t want you to determine your actions based on what you think he will think or do. This goes back to what I said 6 months ago; just Be.

No one can tell you whether he will change his mind and want to reconcile someday. But I don’t think it going to happen while you are trying instead of living. 

The above are some quotes from RCR's coaching post to me; even after all this time this is relevant. 

It's a paradox; we keep thinking we aren't clinging; our MLCers still perceive us as applying pressure. 

This all follows on from what HB says about pressure coming from us that we don't realise.  RCR pointed out to me that even if we really aren't doing anything in that regard, they STILL can choose to feel pressured.  Sometimes I think our very existence provides that pressure. 

It's up to us to keep on peeling that detachment onion.

I wrote a letter, or possibly a script, nominally to my H -- I may or may not use it or parts of it at some point....

In it I found myself typing an interesting sentence -- I was talking about forgiveness, how we can ask for forgiveness but it's up to the other to give it or not.  I said that I had to accept that he is choosing not to let me make restitution for the parts that I got wrong.    That is really the crux of it, I think. 

[Still]

Faith,

Another thing that I wanted to mention, though the MLC'er often seems to be in a very confused fog at times, they can be extremely honed in to anything manipulative. I have watched this with my own H. Early in his crisis before I found any MLC resources, I tried to influence him to see things differently. He saw right through it and it did not work in my favor.

[BonBon]

I have to agree with Still.  For all that fog, there can also be a highly-tuned person under there. 

For me, I would not make any announcements/threats/ultimatums or decisions unless I was 100% sure that is what I wanted.

I say this with the full ackowledgement that not knowing where you are or where you're going as they go through their MLC's is BRUTAL.

In fact, I'm in one of those weary/impatient/sick-of-it moods today....very much so.  It will pass though.

Bonnie