[BonBon]

Faith,
I concur with what everyone just said.  And you are NOT whining!  You are frustrated....how can any of us go through this and not feel that way? 

My low energy MLC'er is still in the throes and it's been since October, 2008.  But things are better.  For now.  This has only been a recent upswing and there are backslides.  So, I know in my heart it isn't anywhere near over, could get worse, could just "be" in a limbo for much longer. 

When I have my days of frustration, I think about the fact that this has been nearly three years of crap...but, we were happy for 12 years prior to this.  It's a silly game I play with myself but I imagine a pretend glass.....so far, since we hit our 15th anniversary this year, 1/5th of the glass is mud...sludge....much.  The other 4/5ths are clear, cool water.  I can't let that sludge outweigh the clean water.  Not yet anyway.  Don't beat yourself up for feeling frustrated or impatient...you would not be human if you didn't feel that way at times....and often for that matter!

Oh and BTW, I still haven't learned the lesson of don't ask if you might not like the answer but I'm getting ALOT better at it.  If someone were to ask how to get through this, I would advise them to adopt that policy early on, as much as they can. 

These MLC'ers don't know what they want and don't have honest answers...the sooner we realize that, the better we're off.
Bonnie

[Dontgiveup]

There are two important concepts in RCR's newsletter article on Acceptance (from last summer).  It says Acceptance of the MLC process is a requirement.  And, in reference to getting through the process quickly, it says if speed is your goal, it will fail.

As Old Pilot used to say, pop some popcorn and watch the MLC movie.....detach yourself from their behavior or it will drive you batty.  Be responsive if you like, but don't pursue.

This can be done.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

It is acceptance and faith that the spouse is in LBS that makes a difference. DGU is right, you need to accept MLC as a condition and as a process. It does take time and patience. Fortunately, you can make mistakes and with time, you can continue to stand. For example, I was pushing the r talks frequently (weekly) then monthly, and now I am going on eight weeks without an r talk or confrontation with her.

It is not that I ignore her, it is I do for her and then move on. I don't push her to affirm or even acknowledge me. I just say "hello, good morning, good night, good bye", and the occasional "Love you." However she responds is no longer necessary or if she responds at all.

I used to have my own doubts, but now I see it as a true condition and my w's situation is not my fault nor is she happy and content with what she is doing. From my observation, she is still in replay. Of course, I don't pay much attention to her and her actions or where she is in the tunnel. Instead, I focus on my actions and situation. I pray hard for her and for me.

Keep your faith and come to the boards to renew your energy and your stand. It is okay to get tired and whine. That is what we are here for and everyone at this site has had many moments like yours. (((Hugs)))

[Mitzpah]

Just reading through this and it is beginning to dawn on me that my h. is most probably a Low Energy type too, I can really relate to what most say on here. Especially about his trying to make me 'move' so that he can blame me for breaking it up. During the week, I am acting much like Ready:

I just say "hello, good morning, good night, good bye", and the occasional "Love you." However she responds is no longer necessary or if she responds at all.

On weekends, it is different because I still get upset at being totally ignored and left out of the picture, but I am trying hard to make my own plans and carry them through
He still shows some signs of manic euphoria, but much less than just after BD, as if he knows I can see through his fake happy behavior. I think he keeps it for public appearances.
He quickly gave up his younger drinking buddies (and I think they gave up on him too), but will stop to have a drink after work if he can snare someone into it. When he comes home he acts as he used to  - tired and ready to go to bed, he just doesn't ask me if I want to have dinner with him any more and I have learnt to get my own meal if I want one.
He definitely does not seem happy when he is at home, but just 'exists'. OTOH, no sign of any planning, even for his upcoming 'sailing' trip (he needs to get a new passport and a US visa!).
He also cancelled/postponed his therapy appointment for today, he told me he had no money to pay for it, I suspect it is more avoidance than anything else - only five or six weeks ago, he was saying how he needed to have therapy more frequently and that he was upset that the next appointment was ONLY on Feb 24th.

[BonBon]

Mitzpah,
You touched on something interesting.
Most of our blowouts occur on weekends...actually, they have since BD.   I noticed that awhile back.
I think the work week is too busy to fully grasp this nightmare...the weekend brings it all home.

Interesting.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

I think the weekends tend to draw out because you deal with the insanity all day and into the night. In my situation, she stays in the study all day long and does nothing. I am taking the kids to the studio for dance, typing my papers and getting the shopping done in all one fell swoop.

I used to get frustrated, but I have learned to ask her to do a few things. If she does them, fine. I thank her and move on. If not, I was going to do it anyway.

The more you focus on what you control and less on what they say or do, then you can detach. I have noticed less spewing and less issues from me or her. OP said it so simply, "think of her as dead." It is a sad mindset, but if she were gone, I would be doing the same stuff and I would still have to take care of the girls. So, I keep myself occupied, make sure I take care of what I need to do.

If you want to make the weekends go, plan at least one activity for yourself and the family. I always invite me wife. If she comes, great. If not, we still have a good time. ((((Hugs)))

[arp1]

I've come rather late to this thread but it all rings true for my W; with the help of readytofixmyselffirst, I've realised that she is a low energy MLCer.

A lot of the time it's like living with a ghost - someone there but not really there. The Monster is below the surface ready to spew at any trigger, but I'm learning not to push those trigger points and get some barbed comments. She seems deeply depressed and stares a lot, removes herself and broods. It's like she wants to be somewhere else all the time - I don't know if this is with the OM or what. She's said a few times that she just feels like running away, somewhere she can be herself, but she doesn't have the balls to do it, but instead tried to force/cajole me to leave. 

I too have felt like giving up - many times! Is it time, as Faith said, to look for someone new who would like and maybe love me for who I am? But at the moment I believe in our marriage and want it to work out - I've told her this and told her I'll be there for her.

[Thundarr]

So, are there advantages to having a low-energy MLC or is it six of one, half a dozen of the other?  I'm still unclear on the criteria of what constitutes a low-energy.  Thanks

[OldPilot]

The low energy MLC'er has a much shorter replay time but is paid back with a much longer depression and withdrawal stage.

Very interesting as I had not heard that low-energy MLCers had a much shorter Replay time before.

This is a different topic, but since I’m working on a technical article about Low-Energy MLCers, I want to respond so that I can then have this for my notes.

I am not so certaint hat low-energy MLCers have a shorter Replay. I think it is milder. But as I think about that I think what I mean is I don’t think they get to Liminality faster—and that is they key right there to shorter or average Raply time.

Just after starting the forum I started a thread where I talked about renaming Replay to call it Escape & Avoid. This makes me think I should still do that—and yet that does confuse things that already confuse so many!

Replay is merely a phase within the Stage of Separation. Liminality is the stage following Separation.

Replay is the do-over time and is really a characterisitic of high-energy MLCers. Low-energy MLCers do often—always ?—go through the do-over time, but I agree that it is shorter. What is not shorter is the over all Escape & Avoid. So Replay is just one type of Escape & Avoid.

Oh, that does help me with thinking it through.

Moving this over from Thundarr's thread, this is a thread for Low energy MLC'ers
for anyone that signs up for that group.

I would think that STILL and I would moderate this group.

[Still]

I feel like I can offer some insight to fellow spouses of low energy MLC'ers. I lived with mine for 3 years from the start of his MLC. He moved out 5 months ago, but continues to have a low energy MLC.

He is a very high energy person in most aspects of his life. In other words, he is a workaholic and an athlete.

However, his  progression through his MLC has been very, very slow with a relatively short-lived Replay (18 months) and a very long depression/withdrawal stage....which he continues in.