[OldPilot]

I beleive that replay may end sooner for these types however the other stages may last longer and be more volatile.
They still must face their issues and although they are not trying to run away for as long, trying to reconnect can be very difficult.

Thats my .02

[Still]

limitless

I can't speak to all low energy MLC'ers, but I believe my H's replay lasted about 18 months. His withdrawal/depression stage seems to go on and on and on. His replay was very evident in his choice of movies, working excessively, changing clothing, frequently going to concerts, hanging out, use of certain words, watching movies with a lot of sexual acting out, constantly traveling to concerts/sporting events/visiting friends, and training, training and training.

Now, he never rents any movies, hasn't traveled to any concerts, is back to wearing his original clothing, talks more like his age, hasn't hung out with friends in close to a year now....

What is left, is a very miserable, unhappy person who can only tolerate family time in very short snippets. He no longer attends church, rarely wants to go out to eat as a family, and basically pops in and out of our lives....no rhyme or reason to it.

[UNHAPPYPUP]

Still:

This is what I experienced last night, after having such a lovely night the night before.  I set the table for dinner, my 3 children and I sat down to eat, and he took his plate and ate in the family room by himself.  wth?  My kids and I didn't know what to do although it was very apparent something was wrong! I finally asked him in front of my kids because we couldn't ignore the elephant in the room any longer and I don't want my kids to think it is anything they have done.  If there are stages - he was 5 yrs old last night.

and could someone please tell me why oh why oh why they say they want to leave, say they are going to leave, but never leave?  What is the meaning behind all of that?

thanks - just frustrated today.  -Pup

[LoveMeMyself]

UHP, my xh told me at BD (Oct. 09) that he was "unhappy" and didn't really know what was wrong but he too wanted to leave.  He said he felt he needed to be alone.........without anybody.  He moved out in Dec. 09.......again, he wanted to be alone........without anybody..........only for me to later discover the OW.  I asked him several times how does that play into his "not wanting anybody"..........he never could answer that question.  I hounded him for a while about that statement and how does it all fit.......saying something like that and then having an OW in the picture.  I knew something was totally not right.  That's when I did the research and decided it was MLC.  My xH still says he doesn't want "anybody"..........no more OW (as far as I know)......he says he doesn't want another serious relationship and never wants to marry.........ever again.  I'd like to understand that very same question (Why do they say they plan to leave and then don't).......even though mine made up his mind and did it.  I think for my xH it was the only way for him to get away from his pain......because he blamed me.  I also feel like it "justified" in his mind having the affair.  Not sure.

[UNHAPPYPUP]

There was an EA, yes.  I really think that is over. Now he seems more like he has been through a blender and doesn't want to have to call upon his "relationship skills" for any purpose.  Not for me, not for my kids, not for his friends. We all feel it. 

I think part of the problem is he has never really had a struggle that he had to deal with. I should rephrase that - when there was a struggle, he avoided it.  That's probably the crux of it right there. He always took life as it came to him - very laid back - doesn't believe relationships should take effort because up until now he feels that they haven't required effort and shouldn't be so hard. He feels helpless, hopeless and somewhat victimized. It is very frustrating, as you know!

[Faith]

This is interesting.  I guess my MLC'er would probably qualify as low energy.  He consistently says he IS divorcing me, but goes between filing "next week" to having "no timeline".  He also says he won't move out because it's "his house that he pays for" and he also won't leave the kids.  Not sure how he's going to divorce me but not move out or leave his kids.     He has had one EA that I'm aware of and also spent some time chasing after a 27 year old that he thought might be interested in him.  She wasn't.  Since then I've been blocked from all cell phone access, but I'm assuming he's still looking at his options.  I can't imagine him having a full blown PA... but I'd guess everyone here has felt that way so I'm sure anything is possible.

He spends a ton of time away from home snowmobiling with his friends.  He takes 3-4 snowmobile trips every winter, but hasn't taken a vacation with us (even a weekend getaway) for 4 years.  When he is here, he spends hours in the basement watching TV.  Last weekend he logged a record 13 hours in one day.  I had hoped that there was still a part of him that is uncertain about being "done", but the last time I asked him he assured me that the ONLY reason he was still here was to be near his kids.  That was a couple months ago and I have vowed to myself to never ask again.

He hasn't done too much crazy spending, except for his trips that we really can't afford.  He siphons money from his business to pay for them...which makes me wonder what other financial shinanigans might be going on.

[limitless]

I beleive that replay may end sooner for these types however the other stages may last longer and be more volatile.
They still must face their issues and although they are not trying to run away for as long, trying to reconnect can be very difficult.

Thats my .02

OP,

Just a quick question.
Why do you think that reconnecting is very difficult or harder for low energy MLC?

L

[Still]

limitless,

Personally, I think it is due to the chronic depression that my low energy MLC'er has that will prevent him from making the steps towards reconnecting. He has told me for over 2 years that he is leaving, but hasn't packed a pair of socks. He just doesn't seem to have the energy to make a move either way.

On the other hand, he is almost manic about his work. He is an overachiever and during replay was a major workaholic. He went for over a year on 3-4 hours of sleep at night. He still puts a great deal of energy towards work, but that is about all he has to give. He goes in spurts where he physically trains a lot, then that fizzles for a period of time.

[OldPilot]

I beleive that replay may end sooner for these types however the other stages may last longer and be more volatile.
They still must face their issues and although they are not trying to run away for as long, trying to reconnect can be very difficult.

Thats my .02

OP,

Just a quick question.
Why do you think that reconnecting is very difficult or harder for low energy MLC?

L

Not sure I know the reason, although I will think about it, more the observation of cases I have seen.
Low energy MLC'ers tend to not have an OM/OW and I agree with what STILL wrote, lots of depression.
Mostly OVERT depression although during replay it might be covert depression.

I think because there is no OM/OW might be why replay ends faster, just a guess.
But that doesn't mean that all is OK.

If I think of something else I will come back and post it.

[Still]

Low energy MLC'ers tend to not have an OM/OW and I agree with what STILL wrote, lots of depression.

I agree with this. However, in my own case and a few others I have followed, there seems to be a "fantasy life" that they want to live. Because they don't actually try to live it, a fantasy is hard to disprove. Just my thoughts.