[OldPilot]

http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/?p=1215

RCR wrote this article last month for those of us on the board for a longer period of time.

This discussion may NOT be for newbies.

I dont think we are discussing this anywhere else but if I am wrong please advise.

Anyone have any comments on this article?

Especially - How Long?

and

What do you need to know to determine your Plan of Action?

    What are your needs: physical, emotional, social, financial…?
    What do you want?
    What do you want in the way of relationships?
    What do you want out of your life in general?
    What do you specifically want from your MLCer?
    What are your MLCer’s abilities?
    Actually, look at the abilities of your spouse rather than your spouse in MLC. An MLCer may not show empathy, but can that same person empathize when not in MLC? Or has MLC been like taking a zoom feature to all of their poor coping skills and issues that were active before MLC?

[eternallyoptimistic]

I keep going back and forth in my head about this. I know my h has had the qualities that I want in the past...I keep hoping that they will come back when he grows up and realizes what's important in life. I think he's had MLC in spurts since his 20's...it could be something else and he may never change...but I know I'll never be happier with anyone else. I know that our good we've had together has been better than anything I've ever experienced and I hold onto those memories. I know they may never happen again but maybe in the future it can be even better if that's possible. I feel like now I have to weather the storm and play a game. I know that sounds horrible about the game...but it seems to bring out the dead emotions in h. Half the time I don't know what I'm doing..but I always know that I want to stand...even when I do have doubts.

[ehill]

It has been almost 2 years. I stand because I know this person is not the man I married and he is very lost and confused right now.  I stood before God and promised for better or worse til death I meant it then and I mean it now. I see glimpses of the "old" h a lot lately not sure what that means if anything when it comes to reconnecting maybe nothing. I have learned to detach and not to expect anything from him. I just live my own life each day as best I can which is not always easy. I still have some pretty bad days that make me sad and question what I'm doing.  One step at a time

[Thundarr]

I don't know if 18 months post-BD qualifies me for this discussion, but I want the best for my kids and am a fervent believer that divorce is not in their best interest at all.  I feel they will have a much better life in an intact family and NEED both parents there.  We will survive one way or another but I do think R is for the best.  I know running away isn't.

I do still love my W and would be happier if things worked out, but its not about happiness anymore.  It's about right and wrong, generally and individually, and I know D is wrong.

[Dontgiveup]

Perhaps the best thing I have learned from RCR's writing is the belief that MLC is not permanent.  I am a believer in the general time frames that those who have studied MLC tell us about, but I rarely think about the question "how long will I stand?".

As I look at the question below, I can confidently say there is a clear difference in the emotional abilities of my ex-wife in MLC as opposed to who she was before MLC.

Actually, look at the abilities of your spouse rather than your spouse in MLC. An MLCer may not show empathy, but can that same person empathize when not in MLC?

[Ready2Transform]

Perhaps the best thing I have learned from RCR's writing is the belief that MLC is not permanent.  I am a believer in the general time frames that those who have studied MLC tell us about, but I rarely think about the question "how long will I stand?".

As I look at the question below, I can confidently say there is a clear difference in the emotional abilities of my ex-wife in MLC as opposed to who she was before MLC.

Actually, look at the abilities of your spouse rather than your spouse in MLC. An MLCer may not show empathy, but can that same person empathize when not in MLC?

I second this.  I stand to give myself time to heal, and let MLC run its course.  I do not know that my marriage will reconcile, but I believe firmly that I won't be able to chose with certainty whether or not I want it to until he is out of his crisis.  I believe I have seen enough graphic evidence from his words and behavior over the last three years to have absolute certainty that this is MLC, not a personality disorder or series of bad choices.

[JD]

I want the best for my kids and am a fervent believer that divorce is not in their best interest at all.  I feel they will have a much better life in an intact family and NEED both parents there.  We will survive one way or another but I do think R is for the best.

I agree.

I hope for the best, but I don't count on it.  I do my best, but that's all I,  personally, can do.
I did love/like my husband.  He had many good qualities .  Will they return...I can't say.
Do I love him now?  I can't say I feel any feeling that approximates what I felt in the past as "love" , I don't even feel affection for him.
What I do know is a sliver of hope remains.  Until that's gone, I'm here.

[Stillstanding71]

I stand because turning off would be like..... It meant nothing!

[StillStanding]

I'll just repeat what I said in the other thread, with one additional comment.

Stand because I love my wife, and I see her crisis as a phase she has to go through. My hope is that she will reach a point where she chooses to be with me again, and I am willing to give her the time to come to that decision.

Also, there is no guarantee that a new relationship with someone else will be better or any more likely to last; it's a fact that the likelihood of divorce in marriages after the first goes up. Which makes sense; once you have chosen to believe that a marriage is unsalvageable, you are likely to come to that conclusion in later relationships as well, and often more quickly.

I see this crisis as an opportunity to work on myself, and to do things that I would be reluctant to try otherwise. I've been working on stabilizing my work and financial situations, and improving the hand I've been dealt.

As for getting involved with other people while Standing? I don't.

[Anjae]

I believe in MLC and its general times frames, 3-7 years. My husband has passed the 7 years and reamins in Replay. I also believe some MLCers take long and a few never come out of the tunnel. I’m not standing. I want the divorce, my money back, a life without any MLC trace and not to have to be legally tied to my MLCer. Don’t think I still love my husband. Not in a way one loves a spouse. My goal is to leave all this behind and never again have to be reminded it happened.