[Slow Fade]

 

I worry if I can ever trust again.  I definitely don't trust anything my H says or does

I have this issue in my mind too. But I just pray that if God brings us back together, then He will prepare our hearts for the reconcilliation. I won't worry (or try not to) about it until then....where God guides, God provides.

[FindingJoJo]

I worry if I can ever trust again.  I definitely don't trust anything my H says or does

I have this issue in my mind too. But I just pray that if God brings us back together, then He will prepare our hearts for the reconcilliation. I won't worry (or try not to) about it until then....where God guides, God provides.

That is a wonderful way to look at it, thanks.

[JAG]

SO maybe deep down we can all imagine the forgiving part...but it is the trusting part that is an issue.  And if we cannot trust....could we really ever have a marriage...or rather...a happy marriage again?

[FindingJoJo]

SO maybe deep down we can all imagine the forgiving part...but it is the trusting part that is an issue.  And if we cannot trust....could we really ever have a marriage...or rather...a happy marriage again?

I think eventually we can but that one is dependent upon them.  If they aren't willing to recognize they need to earn it back and at some point we have to decide if we can.  I think that is why it is our decision in the end.

[JAG]

Funny, my H mentioned that he had no trust in me, my father, ANYONE for that matter! When my dad and I tried to explain that one has to earn things back (like trust) he looked at us like we had three heads....

[FindingJoJo]

Funny, my H mentioned that he had no trust in me, my father, ANYONE for that matter! When my dad and I tried to explain that one has to earn things back (like trust) he looked at us like we had three heads....

I just recently was told he trusts me completely.  He doesn't trust himself and he knows he has impulse control issues among other things.  He did tell me how incredible I am and he isn't going to ever find a better person.  It doesn't change what he is doing but the words are nice to hear especially when a year ago it was nothing but silence or all about him.  I am grateful for his tenderness and his trust, he knows he hasn't earned mine back and doesn't ask me for it when it concerns me and him.  His current issues well let's just say that he asks me to trust him and I am trusting he is putting himself in jail.

[stayed]

I wonder if the "forgiveness" thing is different when you actually are back living with them?  Forgiving somebody that you are never going to have to REALLY rely on again, is actually not that difficult.  You can put it all down to poor judgement, a mental issue, bad childhood... POOR HIM/HER!  Easy to feel sorry for them and forgive them because you don't have to live with it ANYMORE.

I think that may be where we are getting our wires crossed.  I'm not sure you can quite understand the depth of the forgiveness required, ONCE you are trying to reconcile, then another whole bag of tricks once you are actually reconciled.  All the demons come out and haunt the hell out of you.  In spite of how wonderful they are being, it is hard not wonder, CAN IT LAST?  That's the part that is hard to forgive them for, not being able to really BELIEVE in them... or trust your own intuition about them. 

It makes me angry sometimes, that I have these thoughts.  I'm sorry for the comment about lecturing, I was frustrated because I couldn't find the right words to explain what I was trying to say and all the responses were coming in fast and furious and I was thinking, THEY REALLY DON'T KNOW, how can they, they are not here yet! Then I felt terrible for being so snarly.   

Truth is my friends, we are not all talking about the same forgiveness.  Someone mentioned a whole book about forgiveness, I believe that.  This is forgiveness for hurting our family, me, himself... risking our lives.  Heck in a sense, even my life, when he had unprotected sex with that WOMAN.  Yes JoJo, you are right, forgiveness is for ourselves, I totally agree, but there are many, many layers and just as you THINK you have forgiven this or that, there is something else and something else.   There were things I have had to work through that I didn't even know I was angry about, that I had to let go of and try to forgive. 

This is the gift that just keeps on giving.  Just when you think you have her beat, something else smashes you upside the head.  It's worth it, it really is, but you have to be prepared for it.  Be aware of what is ahead, as then it is not such a shock when you fall prey to it.  That's all I was trying to say.

Sorry!  Me bad! 

Hugs Stayed

[alwayshope]

Stayed, I have wondered about if Screwtape were to come home, how I would REALLY handle his betrayal, all the pain, venom, etc... Sure, as I begged and pled for him to come back, I envisioned it all peaches and cream, we would fall in love so deeply, I would be 'perfect', everything would be wonderful... Sigh... But no, really, how long would that last before thoughts of all that CRAP rose to the surface and consumed me???  So I totally get what you said... Totally.

[Anjae]

I wonder if the "forgiveness" thing is different when you actually are back living with them?  Forgiving somebody that you are never going to have to REALLY rely on again, is actually not that difficult.  You can put it all down to poor judgement, a mental issue, bad childhood... POOR HIM/HER!  Easy to feel sorry for them and forgive them because you don't have to live with it ANYMORE.

Would say so, the forgiveness is different is we have them living back with us or if that will never happen again. However, we don't know if are going to live with them again, so I think we should forgive. Even if the "easy" forgive. But the "easy" forgive is not that easy. If it was there wouldn't be so many angry, revengeful people on the planet.

And we may not have to live with them anymore but many of us have to live with the daily consequences of their actions. Forgiving ends up not being that easy. 

I think that may be where we are getting our wires crossed.  I'm not sure you can quite understand the depth of the forgiveness required, ONCE you are trying to reconcile, then another whole bag of tricks once you are actually reconciled.  All the demons come out and haunt the hell out of you.  In spite of how wonderful they are being, it is hard not wonder, CAN IT LAST?  That's the part that is hard to forgive them for, not being able to really BELIEVE in them... or trust your own intuition about them. 

Of course it can last. It has last for you (and others), hasn't it? But our intuition was right, most of us knew they were up to something, including, for several of us, suspect that there was someone else. We can believe and trust them once the crisis is really over (if not, what is the point of having them back?...). Until then, don't think so.

We could trust and believe them until the crisis come along, couldn't we?

I'm pretty certain if we have them back there will be a lot of issues, and anger, to be worked through. It will be up to each of us to decide it we want, or don't want to go through it. A thing we may only be able to know once we we have them back.

But lets not forget that it will be us who get to decide if we want, or don't want, them back.

[Slow Fade]

But lets not forget that it will be us who get to decide if we want, or don't want, them back.

This is what I'm using standing for. I don't want to be so desperate to have him back that if he comes back all of a sudden I realize that I really DON"T want him back...... better to know what I want in advance as opposed to after the fact.........