[Trustandlove]

Hi, all,

As Voyager started a thread regarding Vanishers, I thought I'd see what others think about "Off-and-On"-ers. 

This seems to be a much less common type of mlc-er, and it seems to be what my H is.  Disconnected from us emotionally, coming to see us if we ask and, here's the crux, if it suits.    He has asked to see the children, but generally schedules them in to suit.    I used to let him know about parents' evenings, the children sometimes tell them themselves about such things, he always says that he'll do it "if he can". 

He says he wants me to ask him for help if I need, and he'll help "if he can".  IF he "doesn't have anything else on".    He tries in his way to make it a mutual thing, asking if a particular schedule works for me, but it's all somehow on a disconnected level.  I have a hard time with that. 

We can talk about business things just fine, as a matter of fact we can chat on most subjects very well.  But he sees himself as totally separate.   

He has asked what I want, i.e. what I want from him; when I once recently asked what he wanted from me he said that he needed to think about that.  In December 09 he said that he wanted us to be friends, and defined that as: 

To be there if needed, but not becoming a burden"; "there to help out".  To be able to ask favours without it being a big deal.   To be able to chat about anything; no particular theme, sharing life's small triumphs and disappointments without boring the other. Passing the time pleasantly, in other words.  But no visiting the other at home.   

He has said that he would "still support me and take my side", fitting in with the above definition. 

It's all "when he can".  It's the "when he can" that gets me. 

He was more confused in the beginning, conforming more typically to the mlc script, calling me to say that he didn't love me (i.e. protesting too much) for example, but now he just gets irritated and says "I'm not coming back", and says that while he is fine doing things as a family he doesn't want to give the children the impression that he would come back. 

He has had numerous touch-and-goes; generally when something else in his life has been difficult.  Most recently in May this year; that petered out (I know, he was processing).  Now he says that there is an OW after all (a new one). 

I've not meant to be judgemental during his touch-and-goes, but know that I've fallen down on that at times. 

Any other perspectives on this type of mlc-er?  I would think that the chances of a clinger/boomerang wanting to reconcile were much higher.  After all, they still want the relationship.

My H in particular seems to be living the life he wants.  Designer perfect flat, job that he says is his dream even if things were going badly for a while, going out when, where and with whom he wants, seeing children when he wants.    He is paying for us, so can feel like a good guy as well.  I do wonder how on earth it would be in his interests to change?  For people only change when it is in their interest to do so, which is another way of phrasing the bit about when the pain of changing is less than the pain of not doing so. 

The only thing that I do know is that he isn't happy, he's said as much, said that his life is out of balance, but he isn't looking to me/us as part of the solution. 

I know that the only thing to do is to let go, to let him get on with it.  To try to do nothing to help or hinder.   So far he hasn't inflicted OW on me, she may have been someone he introduced to the children ages ago "as a friend", the way they have met his other pals.  He sees nothing at all wrong (that may not be the right word to use; I can't think of another one right now) in his behaviour, after all, he has left the marriage. 

The only thing he's said that would indicate any thought at all about it is "this would all be so much easier for me if I thought you had given up on me", and "you have to let me go".  To which I replied that he was gone, that it was his decision.  I heard the "you have to let me go" at the beginning, as well.  I've written that all on my thread....

Thoughts?



EDIT:
Link back to contact types to register your MLC type
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1530.0
Oldpilot

[Rollercoasterider]

TrustandLove,

Your descriptions of your MLCer's behaviour are not specific to any contact type, but typical MLC. He want things on his terms and at his convenience.

Your MLCer is hands-down a Boomerang. Yes, it is true that the script becomes more varied as time goes by, but he is still a Boomerang.

What is more common is that a Stander with an Off-n-On thinks they have a Vanisher. Your MLCer communciates with you--it does not matter if the communication is or seems to be due to the children or not.

Vanisher's and Off-n-Ons are probably more alike than Off-n-Ons and Boomerangs. Consider the spectrum, Vanisher's contact less than Off-n-Ons, but with Boomerangs it is more than just frequent contact. You may see more Touch-n-Goes with an Off-n-On than a Vanisher, but compared to Boomerang Touch-n-Goes it may feel like nothing...a card at an anniversary, a phone call/email/text every two or three  months is Off-n-On behaviour. For a Vanisher it might be contact twice a year...maybe three times...or not at all.

[LIVINSTRONG]

Hi Tl,
I find this topic of interest also. My H has told me that it is imporatant to him that we remain friends. He also calls more often when things are not going well for him. I usually hear from him about every 10-14 days and small talk comes easy for us. He did surprise me this past week when he called to check how I was then also called one of my girlfriends to see how I was.

I don't know about your H but I find it odd that he does not ask me for D , he did tell that it bothers ow we are married but he has not asked for D since the begining, most of his personal belongings are at the house still,I wonder why sometimes, I mean if they want out so bad that they walk away then take your stuff, I would take mine if I did that, but then I realize this is not a "normal" person I am dealing with.

I don't know how you feel but this type of contact does not give me much hope or make me feel like he is even thinking about a return . It's like he has his wonderful life dinner, dancing vacations someone to take care of and love , and his wife is now his friend and how lucky for him that I am so kind and understanding... barf

[Trustandlove]

Thanks for your comments, RCR.  All taken on board.   I do agree and see that vanishers and off-and-on's are more alike, I guess I had put my H in that category rather than think of him as a boomerang.   I guess I just need to settle in for a long stretch of this right now. 

Livnistrong, yes, I get what you say about your H's life now.  There are times when I feel like what you say, that he isn't even thinking about a return, then I think that it really doesn't matter what he is thinking.  He isn't thinking, actually -- he's just going from one thing to the next. 

I've also thought about his "wonderful life"; like you say, dinner, dancing, vacations, fill in the blanks with whatever else; but then I do think about connectedness.  As he is disconnected from us, he is also disconnected from others.  He compartmentalises all the bits of his life, and already has found that each of those hasn't exactly acted the way he's wanted them to.  I have no idea about OW, but would wager that she, too, isn't exactly thrilled with just being one compartment.  Would any of us be? 

All this just says to me that he is still in the tunnel, rather than having made the decisions. 

[LilyBelle579]

This is my husband exactly. When I ask him if he thinks I should stop calling he always says do what you want. What does that mean. When I asked him if I should take of my ring he also said do what you need to do. Not in a mean way he but just like he doesn't care either way and that I should do what I need to do. Should we stop contact with these men to get them through this process faster. I have to admit I like knowing what he is doing but I think it keeps me holding on.

[OldPilot]

This is from the articles on this contact type, if your MLC'er is one or you would like to discuss do it here.

Off-and-On
This MLCer contacts in small bites, perhaps an email or other contact every few months. Touch-n-Goes are smaller or shorter than with a Boomerang. It may feel like a reopening of old wounds with each new contact which may increase during special dates and holidays. They may send gifts but offer no information other than a note--or may send no note. Touch-n-Goes where there is two-way communication are often tests and feelers to determine how you will treat them, what you want from them and whether you are judging them.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_contact-types.html

[Stander1964]

I think this is my husband, though he feels like a vanisher.  We only communicate about finances or D16.  When we are face to face he initiates the contact, or it is with D16 present.  I am always nice and cordial, like any friend.  He never contacts me otherwise.  I think if D16 were not here, we would have no contact at all.  D16 initiates contact with him about 90% of time, and it is when she needs something.  H use to invite her to dinner, but no longer does that either.  I think D16 wants and misses her dd so she does the contacting. 

[ladybird]

I thought that my H was a Boomerang but now I'm thinking he is an Off and On.  I believe that if it were not for our S, my H would be a Vanisher.  I also think if it were not for our S, he would never contact me and the next time I'd see him would be in Divorce court.  We have broken up in the past and his M.O. was to not contact me.  One time he came back to me and wanted to get back together and told me that the grass was NOT greener out there.  Who knows how long it will take him to realize it this time, if he ever does since he is very hateful and Monsterish and thinks everything is my fault.

[brokenhearted]

I have been quite confused as to what category I would place my partner in. I have always considered him a vanisher as there is no contact from him
I have been confused however as he will respond if I contact him for anything I need.
Right now he responds to contact about our dog. Gets her medicine for her, also leaves food for her.
He usually leaves it on the porch and goes.
He will respond with text. Does not like phone calls. And when he does not respond he is with the ow.
He has gone through various stages, deep depression, withdrawal, then sorrow, sobbing, the extreme anger,raging at me. 
Now he seems calm, will help if I ask.
He however never does contact, never asks if I need anything, has never once varied from saying we are over/done/he is never coming back.
He would say and has said to me the last time I saw him that I need help because I have not moved on.
Maybe this is more of an off and on.
Maybe he really loves someone else and just wants me out of his life.
If there were any caring left at all wouldn't that person contact you?
Hugs and blessings

[Trustandlove]

I know I started this thread; I considered him an off-and-on because he would pop up only when he wanted to.  But RCR said he does that too often (each week, more or less) to be that. 

But he, too, has been consistent in saying that he's not coming home and "that won't change".