[limitless]

My H started out as a Boomerang (not clinging) - but now, almost 17 months post BD - he has turned into an On Offer.

I don't know if it is due to the fact he is deeper in the tunnel or that he may be involved with OW#3 (third one in 17 months).  OW1 - who he broke up a 30 year marriage and abandoned his kids for - dropped out right after he left.  I think she liked the attention, but had no intention of being with him in reality.

I guess time will tell if, when he eventually gets toward the light at the end of the tunnel, he changes contact levels.....I would think for Touch and Goes and Reconnecting - he would need to.  But, of course, I am jumping ahead.

Limitless

[Mitzpah]

I would say now that my h. is an Off-and-On!
He was somewhat of a Boomerang at the beginning (never a clinger), but now that he is living away from us (almost a year now) and working in different area of the city (a very large city), even the children don't see him very often.
I haven't heard his voice or seen him for over seven months. I have received one or two emails with 'business' requests. I contact him via text infrequently - birthday, Christmas and Easter and also  to thank him for sending leftovers from restaurants when he eats with the kids - he always says it is 'their' idea.
He is pleasant in his responses as I am.
I wonder if he will change again?
I don't think he will become a vanisher because of the children and we are not legally separated yet although he has made noises about that.
When we were married (27 years and 5 years dating), he was a clinger! He was very close to me - he would call several times a day, he would seek me out in the house and hug and kiss me often. When we were in public (at the club, church, restaurants, walking, shopping, etc.) he was always openly affectionate towards me. Almost as if he couldn't keep his hands, and eyes away from me. I loved it!
I miss him so!
This is truly punishment for me...

[Trustandlove]

Even though I started this thread, I've been told that my H is a boomerang, not an off-and-on, as we do see him frequently, if only for a few minutes at a time.

Mitz, what you said about how your H was during your marriage resonated exactly with me -- to the letter. 

I think they do change as the crisis goes on; again, it's only in hindsight that we really see how.

x

EDIT - I do agree that contact types can also change thru the crisis, as I believe my low energy mlc'er is now a vanisher. But it is all deep depression so who knows, hindsight - YES - OldPilot.

[Stander1964]

When we were married (27 years and 5 years dating), he was a clinger! He was very close to me - he would call several times a day, he would seek me out in the house and hug and kiss me often. When we were in public (at the club, church, restaurants, walking, shopping, etc.) he was always openly affectionate towards me. Almost as if he couldn't keep his hands, and eyes away from me. I loved it!
I miss him so!
This is truly punishment for me...

This was exactly how  my marriage was until the day he left.  Everyday I arrived home from work or the store or whatever, he was right there waiting for me with a big hug and kiss and helpful with whatever I needed.  I was there for him too in the same way when I was a stay at home mom.  Now, I rarely see him.  I miss him so much!  What did I do so wrong to deserve this?

[limitless]

What did I do so wrong to deserve this?

Stander - I know that you already know this.....but I will write it down anyway (Maybe for myself???)

There is NOTHING that you did to deserve this!  NOTHING.

This is HIS crisis - HIS issue.....except that you are his wife - this has NOTHING to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with HIM.  I know it's hard to do - but don't take what he does personally.  I know that it feels like he is doing this to YOU - but he does this to himself.

Remember that.

 

Hugs,

It will be okay.

L

Edit missing quote brackets -OP

[Stander1964]

Thank you Limitless, sometimes it is the honest truth of how I feel.  But, I do know it is his journey.

[TrustingMyHP]

OK OP, I'll bite.

My H, too, started out as a boomerang.  I'd say for about the first 10 months or so.  Then he slowly evolved into what he is today 18 months post BD, an Off-and-On.

I haven't seen or spoken to him in almost 6 months.  We have communicated via email maybe a total of 8 times or so during that period.  I don't think we've gone much more than 4-6 weeks without some kind of email communication.

I purposely went dark on him in February after he sent me an abusive letter accusing me of trying to keep our D from having a relationship with him, committing a variety of "crimes" against him, and dredging up all my failures, real and imagined, he could recount from our 37 years of living together.  It was hideous and I decided then that I needed, for my own healing, to go NC.

He tried a few times after that to communicate with me, he actually phoned me (I did not pick up) and left a VM message the day after he sent the hateful missive saying, "I probably shouldn't have sent the letter.  I'm trying to work stuff out."  I think he called once or twice more after that but I didn't pick up.

In April he texted and asked if I wanted to meet to sign our tax return.  I cordially texted back asking him to drop the return off at our accountant's and that I'd sign it there.

He did send me a short but pleasant email on Mother's Day.  I decided to ease up a bit on my NC and we exchanged a few pleasant messages.  I also sent him a short but kind Father's Day message.  The last I heard from him was about a month ago.

I need to contact him about several financial matters but I just can't bring myself to do it.  I don't like being the one to initiate.  I keep hoping NC will help me and, while I think it has in some ways, it also is hard for me.  It hasn't brought me the "peace" some here seem to get.

Oh well, MLC takes time, right?  Lots and lots of time.

TMHP

[theheartknows]

     Reading this makes me very curious about which type my MLCer is. He sounds very much like Trust and Love's husband. But he does not do the contacting. I have done all the initiating except for a call at Christmas and one after he couldn't make it to a performance (I invited him to)  I guess I have received a few texts from him...but just  pic messages.
     I suspect that if I didn't do the contacting I would hear very little from him. But, I have not let contact go for more than a couple of days. When we first moved out, in December, he seemed very eager to meet and date. He always had lots of praise and admiration for me in our marriage and this continued at the beginning after BD. He also accepted all my invitations. That is slowing down now and he is more apt to only come to what is convenient or say no. He seems to be getting more and more concerned about things fitting into his schedule and his weekends seem to be particularly guarded. The compliments have stopped.
    He does come and stay at the house when he is working in the area (sleeps in the other room) and lives at his parent's when not. He maintains that there is no OW right now, but seems open to shopping around. He travels quit a bit and seems to have it pretty good in that he has different places to stay.
   He always responds to my texts, but sometimes robotically...just answering my questions or responding in the cordial "expected" way. Reveals little about his feelings. Contacts our S22 about every other week.
   He has maintained, since he left, that he cannot live with me anymore and has made it clear he doesn't want a sexual relationship with me (although he seemed confused about that at the beginning.) However, when he visits he often comes with groceries, brings little gifts, does work around the house, and is always extremely polite (unless I ask questions about us.) He likes being recognized for the things he brings and what he does. I feel sometimes like he is keeping a checklist for himself and this is a way that he can feel he is still "a good guy."
    I think he may have suggested he come to work at the house once or twice. I get the feeling that he is almost afraid of  risking initiating. He never did much of the planning in our marriage but was always a willing joiner.  I also think he is afraid of giving me a wrong message, believing that if he initiates contact that it would give me hope. He got tickets to a baseball game when I suggested we go..but always waits for me to ask.
    Someone asked me if it was hard on my self-esteem to be the one who always initiates contact. It doesn't feel that way...perhaps that is my pathology.I do get disappointed if he doesn't accept my invitation sometimes ,but it hurts more not having contact with him than to maintain it.
    So...what type is he? He says he is happy. Wants to be "normal" (one of his complaints about our relationship...I had too many "issues")  He seems to need to present an eternally optimistic, happy-go-lucky persona. Although, I think there may be some covert depression as the "always happy" attitude can get a bit shrill and I see frustration emerge from time to time (which he thinks is totally dependent on me.) What do you think?

[OldPilot]

bump

[alwayshope]

Hmmm.  Not sure about my H, Screwtape.  I was thinking he was a Vanisher, but now O and O sounds more realistic.  Is there anything specific to do in dealing with them?