[hotwheelsaust]

OldPilot got me to look at this thread. I thought my W was a Vanisher with some options, but now she is probably an off/on person. Rarely do we talk, and if so, it is text only and very short. I think my W is an off/on while we are doing the splitting of assets and once this is done, I believe she will become a Vanisher. She will be a Vanisher to me only (see my thread) and not to sons or family, though she is a long distance away from everyone.
My thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4332.0

[Trustandlove]

I've been browsing...  wow, I started this thread over 3 years ago!  Looking back, my H was definitely a Boomerang, not an on-and-off at all.  It was odd to read my first post, and to think about what has changed.  Until a year ago it didn't seem that much had, except that he had initiated legal action, saying he was now happy with OW5 and wanted to move on.  But certainly no more mention of friendship.   And now OW5 may be a question mark. 

The thing that seems to have changed is that he is now angry, angry, angry.  He has been contact much less for the past year, has stopped coming here at all and now only sees D; boys aren't interested and he is angry about that as well, saying that they should treat him better.    Small amount of contact with me when his mother died last year. 

He now openly blames me for everything to the kids, something he didn't do before.    And he no longer contacts me about the kids at all, texts D16 directly, sometimes boys, but they generally don't respond.  I've asked him not to put her in the middle between him and her brothers, but now also see that that comes across as controlling/lecturing.  But that really isn't fair on D, and she does need to know I've got her back. 

He now appears to be using D16 as the person to talk to when things aren't going well (they aren't now); that's what he used to do with me in previous cycles.  D somehow knows that this isn't appropriate, but also says that she doesn't really know what to do about it, and she is too afraid of losing him for good if she doesn't go along with what he wants. 

I guess he still counts as a Boomerang, even if he is not in touch nearly as much as he used to be.  He is in regular contact, but directly with kids rather than with me; I've only got the angry stuff, first through lawyers and now directly.

Weird to look back on it. 

[Returned]

Just wanted to mention...I am 3 years post BD and my non clingy boomerang has turned into an on and off. He communicates when he feels like it, mostly chat, often very short and dry. His replay seems much lower energy now than it used to be. Not so much flaunting and rubbing my nose in it, eye contact is better, but communications are now more sporadic. Used to be every week, now he prefers to meet every 1 to 2 months. He doesn't gloat as much as he used to...waiting to see what happens next.

[Sunny]

Anjae directed me to this thread, saying she think H sounds more off and on than vanisher. Am wondering if anyone else feels they have an off and on and what it's like. From reading this thread, I would say there is a lot of difference terms of their contact. The RCR definition is occasional contact and possible gifts from the MLCer. My H has initiated contact only a couple times. He is cordial, asks how I am, is interested in my course, and asks about the animals. It's 2.5 years since bd. I know he is vastly unhappy living with vile hag. They have a son who is 15 months old now. Unplanned natch. Neither using birth control at the time. 

H will chat with me if I call or ask him to call when he's free, I usually imitate this when a text won't do. I know H prefers texts but still will call me and want to chat. He said to me once that he knows it must have been tough for me when he left. Not an apology but a realisation perhaps it wasn't all roses and sunshine.

I'm seeing him next week, but will probably not chat with him. It's a funeral we are both attending. He has avoided all family gatherings, parties, birthdays for all this time. I wouldn't be surprised if he backed out. He does contact his sister occasionally but has only seen her a handful of times. Hasn't seen me since oct 2013.

I still don't think he quite fits the off and on remit but close enough I guess.

[Medusa]

Sound similar to my sitch, Sunny. Mine moved out 16 months ago after 8 months of being a clinger. Initially we would communicate fairly frequently although not daily. Within a few months that changed into maybe once or twice a month with communications being mostly via text or email. I saw him on Christmas Day (not my choice) then we went right back to being very dark with each other. I spoke to him for the first time since Christmas last week.

Like yours, mine does show interest in the practicalities of my life when we do communicate, and he shares tidbits about his. Conversations are perfunctory.

May I ask why the label matters? To me, it doesn't.

[Sunny]

It hasn't until recently. I've been going through a bad patch. I guess I felt if I could identify his MC style, I would have a better idea of what to do. Of course there is nothing to do. I've been detaching nicely for last couple years, and it's just become difficult lately. It's Mother's Day in the uk today and a bad trigger for me. Plus the news H will be attending my nephew's funeral on the 25th has me worked up - how to handle it. Tbh I don't expect he will stay long and probably won't even approach me. He is an avoider. I've not seen him since oct 2013.

I'm feeling better now, realise just be me. Tbh I think I'll be too busy crying my eyes out anyway, the funeral is for my wee nephew who was only two. Some things in life take precedence over MLC.

Thanks for asking, it was a useful question and helped me gain perspective. It is what it is xo

[Picton]

Attaching 

[Airmid]

Attaching - I thought mine was a Vanisher - but apparently not - now an off-and-on

[NotQuite]

I think my H is an off-and-on at this point. Sometimes it feels like he will just vanish considering he moved 400 miles away to be with the OW about a month after BD. the contact type does make me wonder if he really is in crisis or just moved on since he's only 30 (OW is 22).

After BD and for the first three plus months I was generally initiating contact and he very rarely responded. After he said he wanted to come back but didn't, we were chatting with each other online almost daily for a couple weeks. I think things with OW in a new city weren't going well at the time. It appears they are again as H hasn't initiated contact since late January except for tax time. He doesn't ask about our dog or want to see her or me. He has visited the area twice, once for a friends birthday party and once to do taxes. He sends me his half of car insurance every month via PayPal but that's the extent of contact.

Seems like he's just enjoying his new life and starting over with OW and her family in a new city.

[Medusa]

Giving this a bump.