[Anjae]

It's interesting how so many of us wish we had the "other" kind of MLCer -- sort of like wishing you had curly hair if yours is pin-straight....

 

In my case it is really a preference based on experience. My H was a clinging boomerang/boomerang during OW1 and between OWs. With other OW2 he become a Vanisher. For me a Vanisher it is much, much better and peaceful.

[Trustandlove]

I certainly know what you mean about less contact being more relaxed for me.....    when we don't hear from him for a while we just go ahead and make plans, live life.  Then suddenly he texts and it's all jumbled again.  Even if it isn't a big thing.  For me it's just the reminder that this is still going on.  When he's not there at all we just get on with things. 

[Musica]

I think my H is what I allow him to be!! He would like to be here  most of the time and pretend that he still lives here, but he wants to be free to do whatever he wants whenever he wants to ... and doesn't want to be accountable to anyone.

I let him come here to do jobs, to collect the girls and sometimes to have a meal with us. He did a BBQ for their birthday. But I am wary of just letting him be here too much, I see it as cake-eating unless he truly wants a relationship with me as his wife. He isn't ready for that yet, so I have boundaries. I've told him I don't want to be his friend in some senses of the word, I will be his co-parent to make life the best for our D's but not someone he can rely on as a friend. I will be pleasant (most of the time) and help out if I can, but I have to look after myself before him. He knows that in the past I would put myself out for him, I don't any longer.

[LoveMeMyself]

Can a person in MLC go through the various types throughout their crisis?  My ex H first appeared to be a very High-energy MLC'er, then he was like a boomerranger and.or a low-energy, then later somewhat of a vanisher even though the longest time was about 3 months...........now he seems to be "off-and-on".  Any thoughts?

[Moving Forward]

Hi,
as I understand it ...yes...the MLCer can swap types through their crisis but I think the basic principles of llovingly detaching and GAL are prerequisites for dealing with them...whatever type they are!!!

P
xx

[Anjae]

Hi,
as I understand it ...yes...the MLCer can swap types through their crisis but I think the basic principles of llovingly detaching and GAL are prerequisites for dealing with them...whatever type they are!!!

P
xx

Yes they can. By husband did (is doing) that.

[BirdSoul]

In the beginning my H was a bit of a clinger. He "visited" me twice in the month that he left and sent long emotional e-mails (all about him) every day or so. Then, after about a month, he abruptly switched to an on-and-off.

We have no children, so he doesn't "need" to contact me, except about financial matters. He does this very rarely and only through e-mail. I have not seen him since Jan. 30. He will not take a phone call from me and doesn't text me. He was maniacally texting OW at BD, so I think he associates texting with something romantic (silly as that sounds) and does not want to be "romantic" with me, only her.

He has sent me several snail-mail letters about his feelings, always, oddly, right around a holiday. They all have the exact same themes:

Has regret over the way he left.
Lost his love for me and "can't get it back."
Doesn't want to come back.
Can't see me or talk to me.
No good reasons given for divorce.

In his most recent letter (the Labor Day weekend letter), he says, for the first time, that he is filing for divorce. I suspect that when he completes the divorce, he will vanish.

I agree that these types, as opposed to the clingers, aid detachment. But I feel I have really lost him. He has not "seen my changes." He knows nothing about my life and never asks. He never even says "how are you?"

[Bewildered]

My H started as a boomerang very needy and pitiful but I could not cope with him so think I changed his behaviour by being kind but not available but also think this helped him
why could I not cope? I tried everything to understand why my strong H was acting so odd and hurting us all so much (didn't know about MLC then - only found site 14 months ago approx) BD 2 years and 2 months ago.

My H I feel, and children do too needs to be on his own I think to find out what he is all about what he has done is all about etc and I suppose what he wants from his life'?

He has tried to come home I think twice not is a strong way so I missed it!! ??  again only think this so not sure and this was only on reflection that I  can see that he had at this time a need to come home  and I can see he wanted to come back/home but really wasn't ready too - or for the right reasons  to come back - SO would have gone again I am sure.  But its in the past and just a reflection on what I think ?

He I know does not have the strength to fix himself or fix his actions .. still doesn't but seems to possibly moving towards we live in hope - to a stronger place to fix himself as only he can do this, I cant help him

He however rings or emails or texts every 6-8 weeks, we meet for dinner/lunch every 3 - 6  months, he is always very nice and tries so hard to be lovely now at first he was not he was seeing me as if it was an endurance but now he seems different - last time we met 11 weeks ago he let me know he'd been stalking me and was so kind and friendly - it was spooky, however since then he has emailed a few times and text ed but now seems angry with me for no reason, the journey continues, I guess ................

I find out he talks a lot about me to other people??
His stuff is still here??
He isn't with an OW anymore since last year - September we think?
So he will pop up soon I am guessing October and ?? well see I am always kind but leave him to it - too figure it out for himself that is my way ...........
Love B 
 

[Dandy Lion]

I've become confused who and what my MLCer is.  All I know is that he is not a vanisher.

I thought he was an IN and Out but really don't know so perhaps someone could confirm for me: 

Contact is not quite once a week, sometimes I initiate sometimes he does
Contact is always in the form of text messages....no phone calls
He acts as if everything is normal - conflict avoidant most of the time
He lives at his mother
Does not contact S16 (3 times in 7 months)
Was coming to house once every three weeks (I stopped this due to OW relationship)
Very overt depression
He tells me he is confused, feels like a failure, lonely (even though he has OW).
Poor-me constantly.
He has mixed feelings about the marriage
Talks about the fog alot

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

Sounds like maybe he's now seeing you aren't the problem and so he's REALLY confused.

That's a lot of guilt to deal with so no wonder he is overtly depressed.  I'd hate to be him.