[Trustandlove]

This is an interesting discussion.

I'm going to go off on a bit of a side track -- taking on board everything Mermaid and HB have been saying.

This isn't about our MLC spouses... but about MLC in general.

One of my very best friends, who's never been married, went through an MLC around the time she was turning 40.  She wasn't in a relationship, so didn't have anyone to hurt in this way, but the crisis was still very real.  Perhaps some would call it a transition rather than a crisis, but in any event she found herself unable to continue with life as it was, took a lot of time off work, went all over the place looking for what was missing.

Perhaps for her it helped that she eventually realised that she was depressed and sought treatment, and did spend the time figuring out what she wanted from life.

But during that time she pretty much dropped off the face of the earth.  If there is one difference, it is that she didn't blame her friends....  but had she been in a relationship she may well have abandoned it, as she reallly was re-thinking every single thing in her life. 

She is highly intelligent and educated, has always held responsible and intellectually challenging positions, that kind of thing.  So she was a shocked as anyone to find herself in this situation.

She came through, reconnected with everyone and made some pretty big adjustments to her life, but in the end is still living 'her' life, rather than having gone off to a completely different one. 

And this was before menopause... 

Just another story...

[Freddygone]

This is really interesting. The only people I really know in this process is
1. my wife, who I met when she was 17 years old and
2. a lady we knew who met her husband when she was 15 years. Oh, and
3. another, a guy who met his wife at school when she was 14 years. 
I wonder if they skip the years of dating and other partners if that really makes it hard for them to cope. Particularly if they have someone giving them lots of compliments when they are feeling like they have spent all their time bringing up their family and now they are wondering what life is about (or was about). Blind panic.
This is what happened in each of these three cases. Someone gives the lots of compliments and there we have a MLC. Or is the MLC starting first ?

[honour]

This is really interesting. The only people I really know in this process is
1. my wife, who I met when she was 17 years old and
2. a lady we knew who met her husband when she was 15 years. Oh, and
3. another, a guy who met his wife at school when she was 14 years. 
I wonder if they skip the years of dating and other partners if that really makes it hard for them to cope. Particularly if they have someone giving them lots of compliments when they are feeling like they have spent all their time bringing up their family and now they are wondering what life is about (or was about). Blind panic.
This is what happened in each of these three cases. Someone gives the lots of compliments and there we have a MLC. Or is the MLC starting first ?

Add me to the list. I met my W at school at about 14 years. My W always wanted to get married. Always wanted to have children. We got married at age 20. Were married 27 years before she went MLC. As far as I know I gave her everything she wanted and she was wondeful to be with.

She told my son that now that he and his sister have grown up (D21 S19) she feels it time for her to grow up. Which actually equates to an adulterous relationship, alienating herself from her children by her behaviour, moving in with OM in other country, Vanishing, and seeking divorce. Decree nisi granted today.

They go through a second teenage trying to find themselves. But instead of finding themselves they enter an adulterous relationship. Is it a breakdown? Of a sort. My W holds down a good job...well, as far as I know she is still holding down a good job...I just assume she still is...but this can be done whilst enduring covert depression. They can present an all smiling, all happy front to the world but on the inside be a mass of confusion borne of depression.

honour

[Thundarr]

Didn't have time to read through all this, but I did see where Mermaid and HB were talking about this being rare in certain cultures.  The Japanese and Native American cultures have more in common than just connection with their spiritual sides.  I believe the fact that the incidence of this is less in these cultures have to do with the lack of emphasis on personal accomplishments and more emphasis on the family and society as a whole.  That is probably why there seems to be an increase in the Chinese culture due to them becoming Westernized more quickly.  OP might disagree in this, but I would think that the collecitivist mindset of Asian and Native American cultures is the reason this is hardly ever seen.  I would think that Eskimo and other indigenous cultures that are less civilized (Aussies, you can speak to this for me) would also be less likely to experience this.

[Moving Forward]

Honour,
you are spot on as far as depression is concerned, if you take things at face value then you just see them getting on with their lives but MLC  leaks out of every pore - I didn't know how to spot it before but I do now. I see the dead eyes, the terrible memory, the running from real life in my exH every single time we have any interaction - all it does for me is confirm MLC is a process and it takes time.

I'm very sorry to hear about the decree nisi  - I'm now divorced from 'my' MLCer and I have to say absolutley nothing has changed at all, I've said before that I'm moving mine and my children's live's forward and he's still in MLC and right now I have the much better deal.

Stay strong, you always seem so balanced and respectful and that's wonderful to see.

P
x

[Thundarr]

Honour is right, and I see the signs in my W of depression.  My D10 asked me last night why her Mommy always looks so sad after she talks to me.  I think part of them realize what they're doing to their lives, but they can't stop themselves from doing it at some point.

Add me to the list, but not really my W.  I was 18 when we met, she was 20.  She had a serious relationship during her senior year and was kind of engaged to him, but it ended when she found out he was cheating on her with a stripper.   He lived about an hour away and she took a bus to surprise him and found the evidence.  She was my first real relationship, so it seems like with that logic I would be the one more apt to experience MLC than she is.

[Freddygone]

Honour, I have to say they are all out of the same mould. They dress like teenagers and behave like teenagers and quite frankly look ridiculous. My wife and I have been married 31 years, but the first seven years we had great fun and had our youth and enjoyment, but my wife was always an outrageous flirt. It always hurt me and when I think about it, maybe she was never focussed on me, but always distracted by someone she was flirting with. I think I deserve better than that and maybe when I weigh the balance and look back at what I swallowed. It could have been much better and maybe I dont really want that again.
Someone on here said that the first year you are finding your feet, or at least trying to decide if you can keep your sanity. Now after my second year I dont really see any shift.
Maybe I am waiting for something I stomached before and should have rejected, and maybe I should reject it now before it comes back. You have to be careful what you wish for, you might just get it.
Certainly I would not take this rubbish any more which is why I am in another country, watching from a safe distance and preserving sanity for at least one of us. So mixed up it is untrue.

[Anjae]

One of my very best friends, who's never been married, went through an MLC around the time she was turning 40.  She wasn't in a relationship, so didn't have anyone to hurt in this way, but the crisis was still very real.  Perhaps some would call it a transition rather than a crisis, but in any event she found herself unable to continue with life as it was, took a lot of time off work, went all over the place looking for what was missing.

Perhaps for her it helped that she eventually realised that she was depressed and sought treatment, and did spend the time figuring out what she wanted from life.

But during that time she pretty much dropped off the face of the earth.  If there is one difference, it is that she didn't blame her friends....  but had she been in a relationship she may well have abandoned it, as she reallly was re-thinking every single thing in her life. 

She is highly intelligent and educated, has always held responsible and intellectually challenging positions, that kind of thing.  So she was a shocked as anyone to find herself in this situation.

She came through, reconnected with everyone and made some pretty big adjustments to her life, but in the end is still living 'her' life, rather than having gone off to a completely different one. 

One of my male cousins has just went throught something very similar to your friend. He was in a long term relashionship and lived with his girlfriend. They are still together but early this year she moved out. He was too much for her to handle. May 2010 he realised he was totally depressed (even if we, the family, had noticed starnge behaviour since at least September 2009) and asked for help. Only a couple of weeks ago was he able to starting coming out of it.

He does not blame anyone, he just says he really needs to figure out what he really wants. And he is now very aware of verything he went through. Even if I think he had more of a breakdown, he used to say that he was trapped inside a tunnel, unable to see the light or whatever solution to his life. There where months and months that all he talked avbout was ending his life because "he had no worth whatsoever".

He is been fine for less than two weeks. Lets see how it goes from here on.

Freddygone, you can had me to the list as well. My H was 17 when we meet (I was 18).

[BonBon]

I have known many people who seemed to suffer from marrying "too" young (and I say this with the caveat that I don't mean ALL who marry young).  But with that said, I have a different situation in that H and I were 32 and 35 when we married.  Partied HARD prior to this, dated OFTEN....essentially, all wild seeds should have been sown in both of us.  Nothing was missed in terms of "fun" or "independence" or any of that.  Clearly, it was emotional growth that was missed...not the "good" times.

So I do think that often, situational issues add fuel to the MLC fire, such has having "missed out" on those party days.  But my H didn't miss a single "party" yet wanted to return to that life regardless.  This is why I maintain that it can happen to anyone regardless of situation.  I do believe it is an individual thing fueled by a vain and superficial culture of youth, wealth and so on.

Back to the original topic, I see a breakdown as something that is more self destructive to the person having it whereas MLC is destructive to many in that person's circle and would be more likely to include confrontational or passive/aggressive behavior.

[StandandDeliver]

Freddygone - H and I are on your list - I was 18, he was 19. Married when we were 23 and 24, but had been inseparable for 4 years through college and beyond..