[LettingGo]

Lets see...you respect rcr and this forum, but you think she is doing a disservice by advocating standing? No one held a gun  to your head to join here did they? We get it ...you are divorced and free to date! It sounds as if you disprove of the people here who chose to stand .......your viewpoint isn't unique at all .... It is how MOST people feel about staying married to men who behave this way.


 SorryTo inform you , but this was intended to be a support forum for Standers ....

[WhatAboutUs]

Ditto LG!

[Anjae]

Lisa didn't say that advocating standing was a disservice, what she said was this:

All I know is that to advocate strictly standing, forever is a huge disservice to so many people.

The forever makes a huge difference. If I'm not mistaken, not even RCR advocates standing forever. DGU may be able to find the articles and blog posts were RCR refers to the issue.

Are we really goint to tell people, including the ones who are divorced, that they cannot date/remarry because they have to stand forever for a person who may, or may not, come back?

[xyzcf]

Thank you LG for speaking out.

This site is about Mid Life Crisis. Most of the information here is for the LBSer to heal, because we know that in true MLC marriages that end, it was not about the spouse nor the marriage.

So, this site has given to me over and over again, the support that I needed to move forward in my life. To find joy and peace and happiness in each day. I really don't know what purpose Lisa, you have to make comments to those of us who believe in the sanctity of marriage and who choose to stand. It certainly does not support anyone who doesn't agree with you.

When people talk about having some kind of magical relationship with their MLCer, I almost laugh—and I know that’s rude, but we laugh at the thought of their soulmate schmoopies--isn't it arrogant to think we were only ones that could have had THAT ONE PERFECT amazing connection with them?

I am sorry you did not have this type of intimacy with your spouse. I did for 32 years. In a flash, without warning, something changed....and I am not the only one that can see it in him.

And I do not place much stock in legal or even religious marriage

That is your prerogative. But again, there are many people on this site who live their religious values and beliefs totally and therefore the sacrament of marriage goes beyond our happiness on this earth and enters into what is for those of us who are religious, the more important consideration, our eternal salvation.

We want to believe WE were the special and unique ones, but we couldn't have been, or we would not be here.

MLC is not a marriage issue. Their crisis was inevitable and would have occurred regardless of who they married.

It is so easy for people to make themselves self-righteous martyrs and stand by their man, but then they are giving up on themselves—they are truly drinking the kool-aid. 

I find this comment disrespectful and hurtful to the many LBSers who believe that the person they love is in a crisis. It is hard enough to stand without being ridiculed and told that we are not normal because we are not chasing after another man, that somehow we are inadequate because we are not actively pursing a sexual relationship.

This constant dialogue, pushing and pushing for some kind of recognition that you and you alone are right is not helpful really. We shall all make the decisions that we need to make to grow. We are not waiting, we know that they may never come back home....I have a very good sense of that reality.

[Freddygone]

Ehem....what is all this about  from Lettinggo         

' It is how MOST people feel about staying married to MEN who behave this way.'

Not very thoughtful?  There are not many men on this Forum and the reasons for this are NOT that women don't have MLC, it is because Men tend to not have the ability to discuss it when it happens.
 
Now my MLC is still with OM (for 5 years) and has divorce me.  I am not allowed on the Forum any more?  I think we need the rules to be clarified.

I also think the way this thread is now going, you may lose quite a few members. Where is all this anger coming from?

[hobo1]

LG-  My take is that LisaLives did stand, and decided not to stand.  and No, I'm sure no one put a gun to her head to join the forum.  After Standing and subsequently moving on, she is telling us her story.

Do you believe that what Lisa is doing a disservice to Standers by telling them how she feels.  I don't believe she dis-approves of standers, she is offering a different point of view, and asking questions that each stander should ask of themselves.

Are we so closed minded that we don't want to hear from a sister who chose a different path?

LisaLives-  I believe you have put a lot of thought into what you wrote, and agree with many aspects.  I especially agree with the fact that people are motivated by either fear or love.  We need to determine the motivation for our actions.  We owe the answer not to you, but to ourselves.  Thanks for writing.

[forthetrees]

This is not a contest of who stands the longest or strongest. What we share is the devastating blindsiding sudden marital destruction. We ALL are actively trying to heal. If the dating piece rubs you the wrong way, think of it as an alternate variable in the live experiment of how one copes/moves onward/GALs. Once someone finds this site, I think they are a life member as this is a life altering experience and even with healing, there are scars. If you can forgive your MLCer for doing things that he/she did not do before, surely you are open minded enough to see that there is "more than one way to skin a rabbit." I don´t even think it is on the table to forgive or not forgive another LBSer if he/she stands differently. Some MLCers are so manipulative that they want an OP for themselves but put up roadblocks for the LBS to find a companion if he/she so desires. I am reading a book on Finding a New Loving Relationship and it is a MYTH that it takes one month of healing per year of relationship. Everyone is DIFFERENT. For me, the M is dead, h has done some horrible things, with MS I have no guarantees and I am NOT going to put my life on hold for him. I stood for us for over 1.5 years and when my well being was not even on his radar, I called it quits for us and started living for me. I have forgiven him for the behaviors. I realize that I could NEVER trust him again. Could we please support each other and not judge another by our own circumstances?

[Anjae]

XYZCF, true, it is a personal, not a marital crisis. Yet, the homepage of The Hero Spouse has the line: Hope For Marriages in Crisis. If you ask me it should read: Hope For Those With a Spouse in MLC

As for Standing, RCR has wrote about it several times. Standing is not static nor has a Stander to always be a Stander. Also, by default the board allows for the following status: Standing, Done, I don’t know, Rebuilding & Building, Not Answereed Yet. Therefore, someone that is Done is allowed in the Board by the Board own standards.

From the site main page in RCR words:
“Some are Standers by action, while others are strict Standers in philosophy, believing divorce is an immoral action.

You may be a strict Stander, or you may choose to Stand without a strict aversion to divorce, or you may simply be uncertain whether your relationship is worth a Stand. It is for each individual to choose whether to Stand, or whether to step down. Some Standers are for Life, continuing to Stand knowing restoration of their marriages is unlikely. They are the Covenant Keepers, honouring their vows even as their spouse may marry another. Regardless of your beliefs and goals, you are welcome.”

Lisa, I agree you were a little overtoned. We were special and we the ones but our spouses had/are having a MLC.  That does not makes us doormats or wrong. This said, you have as much right as anyone else to be here, tell you story and you view points.

However I would like to suggest everyone to tone down a little. There are many ways of saying the same thing. Thanks. 

[Slow Fade]

 

My ex was wonderful for about the first ten years, but he started to change after we had kids.  Looking at his family, I always saw their narcissism and selfishness and always thought I was so lucky that I found the one sibling that escaped.  But I now know that he didn’t.  His years with me were his valid attempt to be the person he wanted to be, that he SHOULD be.  But now I see the man he always was underneath.  I can look back and see the hints and seeds and the signs that I ignored when I thought I had a perfect life, married to my best friend

Oh Lisalives, this describes my situation to a T! It is making me cry.

[justbelieve]

The beauty of our all being unique beings is the freedom of expressing ourselves in our truest and most honest form. We must all stay true to ourselves. An opinion is just that, an opinion. And i for one, respect them all. I take no offense if anyone's ever differs to mine and i in no way offer mine with the pretence of assuming it's right. If it comes from your heart, it is your truth. the fact we have the opportunity to share our opinions on this site is a blessing. I for one am grateful for all of your differing views. Nothing is black and white and I, personally prefer living in the shades of grey. It's never boring that's for sure

Just for the record:

♥I am standing in LOVE not fear. I faced my fears way before BD. I have faced my demons many times in my life and have thankfully beat (most) of them. In truth, i fear very little now, if anything, whereas before, I feared everything. Mostly failing myself. Acceptance of your situation, no matter what it is, dissipates fear. Fear is ego based. Face your ego, face your fear. Then, all that's left is Love.

♥I DO believe in 'soul mates' however i think of them more as a tribe. . ..my tribe. I do not believe that we have just one soul mate as such but many. and they may not come to you in the form of a lover/husband/wife. They can come to you in simple friendships. I believe we draw certain people to us at certain points in our life for a reason and they serve their purpose. i DO believe the connection i have with my man is a soul connection. i do also believe that he will always,in some way, be a positive part of my life. and you know what, even in MLC, he believes the same! He knows we have a connection. Where that connection takes us is up to the Universe. it has bigger things in store for us. This i know.

♥ What we did have WAS unique, it WAS magical! BD honestly rocked me to my very core! It rocked everyone who knew us. It was just so impossible to think it would happen to us. We always used to say how lucky we were because it was just so 'easy'. We led a blessed life. There was just no reason for it to happen to US! oh hang on, yes there was.. the reason was HE is in a crisis. it has NOTHING to do with our wonderful relationship. It had EVERYTHING to do with his sense of self and identity. (and yes, MY own, not us as a couple) His feelings for me didn't change, HE CHANGED!! And he is still changing. I'm not letting MLC rob me of the most amazing 20 years of my life. I refuse to let what has happened the last 8 or so months tarnish what i know, what i believe to be the very best years of our lives. What is missing is in HIM.
 
♥Sorry but I am awesome, I am special and I am most certainly unique. No-one will ever match that. Yes, the OW or anyone else who enters his life is 'different' but it's not me. You cannot replace what we had. And i guarentee you, he is comparing this 'new' life with the old. It's not as good and he knows it. He's admitted as much to me and yes, that I believe. If we weren't unique and special, why the hell would they still be hanging around?? They are hanging on for a reason, they aren't letting us go completely. SOMETHING must be keeping them there, keeping an eye on us. And we don't have kids, he could just be gone. But he's not.

Thanks for letting me share my opinion. But remember, it's just MY opinion...
Love and light to you all