[stayed]

I personally have not made a decision to stand as such, it just kind of happened that way. I made no concious decision to not have another relationship and give up on h. It felt like the right thing to do at the time and when it doesn't feel right then i will go looking.

I never really made a decision to STAND either.  Quite frankly way back in 2004-5, I didn't even hear of such a term.  I really STOOD by accident, at first because I was paralyzed and simply couldn't move.  I think I mostly "drooled" for the first 3 months.  The next 3, I was pleased I could sort of walk, talk, almost at the same time... then I went to New Zealand.  Drooled and trolled the beach for the first month, after I found myself a nice little hole, to stay dry in.  Finally, I could think.  That happened sometime in the 7th. 8th. month.

I'm cautious by nature.  The idea of cancelling all those bank accounts, retirement accounts, pensions, house deeds... ughhhhhhhhhh, the very thought of going down that road, froze me in place a little longer. 

Look, STANDING was the best thing I ever did for ME!  It saved me from myself.  Protected me, from making the situation worse.  From what I can tell Lisa Lives has not suggested that we should not STAND, she simply has prodded us to CONSIDER, a time frame.  CONSIDER other options.  Considering, researching, thinking about what ELSE we can do. 

Sorry, I just can't see anything wrong with this thread.  I totally agree with what Kikki wrote

Quote from: kikki on February 01, 2013, 10:14:39 PM

    Each day I wake up - I go about my day knowing that despite all of the antics, that I still have a very strong connection to my H.  If one day I wake, and I no longer feel that, then I know other doorways will open because that one has closed.

    But I will know if the energy between us was to die.  That will be the day I would start making other choices.  For now, I carry on knowing that neither of us are yet 'done' with each other. 

I think most of the people on this forum feel very strongly, as Kikk doesi.  That being said, Kikki has not CLOSED THE DOOR on any options.  She recognizes that she might not feel that "connection" forever and when she does... she shall take the next step best for her.  Discussions like this are not THREATENING what she or any of us BELIEVE in.  We all have our own agenda, our own opinions and are not AFRAID to consider,  viable suggestion to aid us on our journey. 

Loving this discussion.  Hugs Stayed

[Thundarr]

Stayed is correct in that no one's values or beliefs are being directly threatened.  No one is being chastised for standing, and RCR has made it clear long ago that this forum is not only for standers but for all those affected by their loved one's MLC.  We are of many different faiths, races, cultures, continents, sexual persuasions and many other "labels" but in the end we are all bonded together by our shared experiences and support of each other.

One point I would like to make is that we have to consider all possible actions before determining the one that suits us and that we will be able to live with ten years down the road.  This was the advice given me by my mentor soon after BD and is still true today.  So far, I will be able to look back ten years from now with no shame whatsoever because I have remained true to myself, my kids and my beliefs throughout and still am.  As Kikki said, what happens when I wake up one day and no longer feel that bond with XW?  By faith we are one body but at what point does what made the other person who they were effectively dead?  Is the person we spent our many years with gone for good, or did we never really know them at all?  Hard questions to answer and for each of us it's different.  And, what if the greatest fear for most of us is true and WE are the ones who are deluded and rewriting history?  What if we are seeing our spouses as crazy because they just don't see the world the same as we do?  Yes, we have people telling us our spouse is crazy now but in most cases that is our friends or family.  Wanna bet THEY have people telling them WE are crazy and a bunch of losers?  Yep, that's life.  Life IS perception.  A wise man once said that life is made up of 10% what happens to us and 90% how we deal with it.  Our MLCers are dealing with it a different way than we chose to, but it is real for them.  Perhaps for most our spouses are really gone for good AND with good reason.  What then?  Maybe our mistakes are unerasable and our futures sealed when it comes to our Ms.  I hope not, but do we stand for the rest of our lives and chide those who don't?  Of course not.  They are no more wrong or right than we are.  And the last thing any of us needs in our sitches is to become martyrs.

[stayed]

Well said Thundarr!

hugs Stayed

[forthetrees]

T,
Were I a betting woman, the odds of us being the "bat$hit" crazy ones is very, very low. Devastated? Yes. Cycling at the beginning? Yes. But "crazy"? No. Crazy for us is seeing the 180 in the spouse and NOT living as if it is bizarro. Living on eggshells is our craziness- and thankfully it passes fairly soon. I can only hope that the MLC unbalanced phase also passes. It is an emotional disorder with some sort of physiological component and I for one would not want to live in their bodies. Think back to adolescence with the hormonal mood swings- teary, joyful, irritated, sad repeat. The saddest part is that help is available and they do not avail themselves of it.

How many out there will tune into the PUPPY BOWL today:)?
FTT

[jermishere]

I have read many topics on here.  One kind of perlexes me...

Can you really date/have relationships/be intimate with someone else while you are "Standing"?

I am curious to know the opinions of others.

Thank you.

[holdenon]

That is a great question and one that I have thought about as well.

For me, I think it comes down to the legalistics of the relationship. If you are divorced, absolutely ok even if you are standing.  If you are still married, I would think that dating would be the same as infidelity. Depending on how long ago that you experienced the BD, you may also feel guilt along with regret if you date before you are ready emotionally.

I think I would have a few questions about it: Are you doing it to make the other person jealous or in hopes of making them jealous?  Are you trying to figure out if you want to continue standing? What do you hope to get out of it if you do date?

But then you think about the fact that some are in the process of divorce, but it just isn't legal yet. In that case, it is gray. I would like to tell you I think it is ok to date because I think I will want to myself. I am a Christian woman and believe the scripture, but still feel like it is gray area for me personally. I am in a situation that I am standing, it is still new for me and have someone interested in dating that has been through this same situation over a year ago and whom I have known for over 20 years. He is now divorced after standing throughout that period of time. I have put him off based on my emotional state, but it certainly has crossed my mind as to what is 'right'. I don't think I would have considered dating until he came along.  I will be interested in seeing how the discussion goes. I want to stand for my marriage. I really do! Today it seems hopeless and maybe I should just move on with dating.   
Just my two scents!
-H

[in it]

At first BD 3+ years ago I had a guy ask me out to dinner and I went and had a really good time. Nothing else happened (although I was wishing it would). He decided it wasn't a good idea as he was already somewhat involved with someone else. He wasn't married. Technically on paper I still was- until about 2 months later.

Now? After 2nd BD? I'd like to have someone to do things with who wasn't too serious. I'm finding I'm having pretty tough trust issues when it comes to men.

A date would be fine- I think-but I'm definitely not standing.

[trusting]

Here's my take. If you are truly standing because you are hoping to ultimately be reconciled with your spouse, how would dating help anything?  It complicates things.  It can get messy.  If you are dating someone and your spouse wants to return, what do you do?  Potentially break someone's heart? 

It is a personal decision. For me, it doesn't make sense. 

[Anjae]

It is a personal decision. I've dated and had a boyfriend. Then again I'm not standing.

I guess if one is casual dating one is not breaking anyone's heart. Going for dinner or tea with someone is not the same as wanting to live with them or marry them.

Also, a MLC can last so, so many years, that a LBS can date/have a boyfriend/girlfriend and that relationship end before our MLCer is done.

Still, every case is a case.

[bsviking]

I've pondered this once or twice and always come to the same conclusion. I don't want to date until I feel I've resolved my feelings towards my W. If I'm still in love with her and wish for a reconciliation is it fair to the 3rd party?  Even if there's an agreement that it's not serious someone tends to develop deeper feelings and ends up hurt.

For me I've thought of it as a means to get over her. I just don't feel that's healthy.