[Anjae]

Marriage is supposed to last forever but it does not mean it will. We have people here who are on their second marriage, or are the second (or even third) spouse of their MLCer.

I’m assuming the first time those people married they thought it was going to last forever. For whatever reason, it didn’t. Now I’m certain they hope their second marriage, or first to someone who has been married before, will last forever.

We also have many divorced people here. Some remain to consider themselves married, for religious or personal reasons, some no longer consider themselves married.

Some of us are still married but do not have a marriage (or a spouse around). Some of us have been without a marriage for years on end.

I don’t think anyone is talking about going out and date after 6 months. But the truth is a MLC lasts, on average, from 3 to 7 years. In that space of time some of us will be divorced, some will meet someone new, some will have their MLCer back but no longer what to be married to them or reconcile with them.

As for the marriage, RCR writes that the old marriage is dead and that it is not possible to work on the marriage while the MLCer is on crisis.

Trusting the process is not the same as stand. Also one can stand and trust the process and, at a point, choose not to stand anymore. Can anyone here really say how they will be feeling about standing 3, 4, 5 years from now? RCR often writes about how nearly all MLCers come out of the crisis but they will not found the LBS waiting for them.

Lisa is divorced, her husband married OW. Her BD was 3 years ago. Yes, 3 years is short on MLC world, but if a person is divorced, the person can choose what to do. Date, remarry, stand.

There is another thing, some of us were quite young when BD happened. I’m still legally married to Mr J after 6.4 years. That means I will be childless because I cannot remarry. Women have a biological clock that, often, is not compatible with MLC time frame.

Also, one can stand, choose not to stand, and then go back to stand. When people arrive here they want to save their marriage and stand. Most are standers. But time goes by, people start to focus more on their own healing, years go by, people may change their mind about standing.

Not all marriages will be save and not all marriages will be reconciled. If we can save and reconcile marriages good but we know that is not possible to every single marriage.

Don’t see much against the information and knowledge we have learned about MLC. RCR writes that not all marriages will survive, that most of the times the MLCer will not found the LBS waiting for them.

And, if I’m not mistaken, RCR has given herself a timeframe. If her husband was not done within that timeframe she would start considering other life options. I may be wrong about this but I think RCR has talked about it somewhere. 

[leftylulu]

I entertained the idea of dating. I even talked to a couple of guys with the intent of possibly dating. I was glad I did because in my heart I felt unfaithful and that was the key for me to totally commit to continue my stand. I know who it is in my heart that I love and that was what I needed to know especially since mine has vanished heading into year number 4 next week. It help me let go of the timeline, it helped me to quit questioning whether I want to continue stand or not, it renewed my love for my MLCer, it brought back all those wonderful memories. I still to this day remain faithful to him in everyway but I needed to entertain the thought of dating so I knew for sure I was on MY right path.

I can now say I stand totally commited in body, mind, and spirit.

Take care,
Lulu

[kikki]

None of us have any idea what our futures will hold.  None of us have crystal balls.
Each day I wake up - I go about my day knowing that despite all of the antics, that I still have a very strong connection to my H. 
If one day I wake, and I no longer feel that, then I know other doorways will open because that one has closed.

I hope this doesn't happen - I hope he wakes up before the connection between us disappears, but I have no way of knowing this.

But I will know if the energy between us was to die.  That will be the day I would start making other choices.  For now, I carry on knowing that neither of us are yet 'done' with each other. 

[forthetrees]

LG,
We keep coming back to the site because in our darkest hour this was the place that kept us from losing it completely and now we have formed bonds with folks here. Simple as that- it became our crisis support network and evolved into friendship and then moved to RL friendship. HS people understand a level of pain that is likely incomprehensible to an outsider.
We come here b/c most of the time the folks here inspire us to keep going on the path to wholeness, or as whole as one can be after such an experience. We continue to post so that others can see what happens in the wake of MLC over time. It is continued support and data collection that draws me.
What kept me standing for a long time were Hope Float´s, Subaru´s and Still´s stories.
When I saw that they, much more patient than I, did not have the outcomes that we all desire so deeply, my mindset started to shift.
I did Stayed´s 3 month rule 3 times and felt at peace in dropping the desire for a reconciliation.
I do hope h finds his way as it is a waste for someone with so much to offer to live a crippled emotional life.
The damage he dished out in the meantime was enormous and enough for me to release hope, expectation and desire.
FTT

[OldPilot]

What kept me standing for a long time were Hope Float´s, Subaru´s and Still´s stories.
When I saw that they, much more patient than I, did not have the outcomes that we all desire so deeply, my mindset started to shift.

Everything will come out all right in THE END.
And if it has not come out all right yet - then it is not THE END.

SO do you think the above three indviduals are at THE END?

[Thundarr]

What kept me standing for a long time were Hope Float´s, Subaru´s and Still´s stories.
When I saw that they, much more patient than I, did not have the outcomes that we all desire so deeply, my mindset started to shift.

Everything will come out all right in THE END.
And if it has not come out all right yet - then it is not THE END.

SO do you think the above three indviduals are at THE END?

Please define "all right", OP.

[osb]

Clearly this topic is a touchstone, and understandably so. It hits to the heart of what we most fear - that our choices may leave us without the light of love in our lives. It's a terrifying thought. But people, so much anger?!

No one came onto the "I'm moving on for a lot of valid and personal reasons" forum and tried to convince you to STAND!! We were just HERE... STANDING, and you showed up, QUESTIONING OUR PERSONAL CHOICE, and NOW, according to YOUR posts on THIS particular thread, you feel the NEED to warn us against "standing indefinitely"...  there are plenty of websites, forums and certainly REAL LIFE support for people who would NOT describe themselves as "standers".... WTH does this have to DO WITH YOU?

Oh, and to anyone who feels just like LisaLives, this is not an attack... but WTH are you gettin from this site if you DISA-f*ckING-AGREE with everything RCR started this website for??? Really? It's like an Atheist trolling on a CHRISTIAN website arguing with the convictions of the members..... no one asked you to agree or disagree... but WTH are you here for, really? HEALING? That's a crock... you are here because you are UNCERTAIN OF YOUR OWN CONVICTION..... think about that. IF YOU ARE SO CERTAIN THAT STANDING IS NOT FOR YOU... then why aren't you over on Match.com right this very minute??? Oh..... because you aren't CERTAIN and you have QUESTIONS....

Um, yes, this WAS an attack LG. Suggest you might try letting go yourself. Every individual on this board has their own personal journey, and one person's choices (and willingness to discuss them) don't invalidate yours. Your response reads of fear and exclusion, and it's giving me hives. I, like many others, am here for healing. There's no pre-requisite in RCR's website that we conform to one mindset for dealing with our respective situations. In fact the diversity of opinion keeps all our conversations fresh and revealing.

I think we need to respect that we ALL have questions. All the questions are valid. If we didn't have questions that no one else but another LBS could answer, would we even BE on this board??

[osb]

Each day I wake up - I go about my day knowing that despite all of the antics, that I still have a very strong connection to my H.  If one day I wake, and I no longer feel that, then I know other doorways will open because that one has closed.

But I will know if the energy between us was to die.  That will be the day I would start making other choices.  For now, I carry on knowing that neither of us are yet 'done' with each other. 

This feels so true. I too feel like the last chapter on my relationship hasn't been written... so i'm slowly turning pages and waiting to see what words come next. But if someday there are no more words, then with sadness I must close the book. And maybe, eventually, open a new one.

...come to think of it, as a child did you ever read the "The Monster at the End of This Book"??  ...Maybe I want to stop turning pages 

[superdog]

I dunno, maybe Lisalives is just another prompt for us to think, nothing more than that. It's cool, thats her way. Each to their own. It does no harm to listen to how others have dealt with this whole situation agree or disagree. Nothing to get bent out of shape over. If my h had moved in with another woman, i would not be here that would have been a step too far for ME, but i do not judge others who choose to accept that situation either and still want to be with their h's.

I personally have not made a decision to stand as such, it just kind of happened that way. I made no concious decision to not have another relationship and give up on h. It felt like the right thing to do at the time and when it doesn't feel right then i will go looking.

Standing is not likely indefinitely in anyones case. Maybe for some the writings about MLC preditcting 5-7 years max would make them think ah well, best get on then once that time has passed???. Love is not enough sometimes.

Just my 2 pennies worth.

SD
x

[kikki]

This feels so true. I too feel like the last chapter on my relationship hasn't been written... so i'm slowly turning pages and waiting to see what words come next. But if someday there are no more words, then with sadness I must close the book. And maybe, eventually, open a new one.

...come to think of it, as a child did you ever read the "The Monster at the End of This Book"??  ...Maybe I want to stop turning pages 

My little sister had that book  Maybe we can't turn the pages because it hasn't been written yet.  For now we're working on our own novella.