[BraveNewWorld]

My only real experience of breaking up with someone meaningful was with the girl I dated before my wife. We were 20 years old and had dated since we were 17. We'd experienced a lot together. She was smart, talented, funny and pretty.

But ... she had difficulties adjusting to life at university and became too dependent on me. My studies were affected. She switched courses and went home early. It sounds terrible, but I had to put my studies first - also, we were young and it seemed that we had time on our side. So I suggested that we slow down.

The last day we spent together was incredible. We talked, we cried, we were intimate. We didn't tell each other that we didn't love each other. We didn't list petty dislikes, neither of us monster spewed. We just knew we needed to take a break ... and yes ... maybe find ourselves.

We lost touch, she got married, divorced, tried to find me again - backed off when she saw I was married. She met someone else and made a family with him.

I still think of her ... but never in a way that I'd like to 'replay' it. Just in a way that I think she was/is a great person and I'm glad that we meant something to each other.

I'm starting this thread because with this MLC, I feel like I never really got to say goodbye to my wife - and yet she still sleeps in the same bed ( for now )! I never got to thank her. If I do thank her now it'll be ridiculed and sneered at, I think. I didn't know that our friendship would disintegrate almost overnight. And I guess there is a big lesson there for me.

My only other experience of breaking up is very different from this one. I wanted to know what your experiences were ... and if anything came close to what you've seen from MLC?

[Writingmom]

No, no, no and no!  Nothing has ever come close to this!  This was an out of the blue BOMB that could not have been forseen.  I am only slowly learning to say goodbye and that's only because it's more like a death.  The person that I knew would not have done this, approved of this or tolerated this.  Ever.  That man is gone and in his body is a very crazy man!

I have kept a journal for him for years.  Sometimes it helps to write things out, even if they're too cuckoo to comprehend what we're saying right now, sometimes it helps to get it out in that way and who knows, maybe some day it will resonate.

I've dated some completed horses a**es before, and have had some monster spewing in the past, but it was with a pathological liar who knew right from wrong and who repeatedly made poor choices year after year after year.  Again, not what's happened here!  MLC is not a character flaw or a question of distance or studies or age.  It's just madness of the brain!  That simple.  And there's no way to prepare for, or say goodbye (or even hello) to that. 

[Dontgiveup]

Holding On

This may seem like a 2x4, but your post sends the message to me that you are still taking your wife's MLC personally.  MLC takes time.  I don't think you need to say "goodbye" to your wife, or thank her, or whatever.  You need to give her space and let her make her decisions.

I can tell you from at least three different situations that I am now familiar with, MLCers do seem to return, or at least try to.  Your wife might leave, but if so that's not necessarily the end.

There's a good article in the articles section of this website that talks about understanding the process of MLC.  As an example, it's not uncommon for the MLCer to leave....to separate from their spouse....to file for divorce....all that stuff.  I'm not saying to take it lightly.  Emotionally, it's horrible.  However, you can help yourself by trying to understand the process that is MLC.

[BraveNewWorld]

Dontgiveup,
                   I think that you're right ... I am still confused. It's just for the past couple of weeks I don't feel the connection to her that I had felt. Something has changed in me. Before I was 100% convinced that I wanted no one else. Now I'm not so sure ... and that's why saying goodbye would have been a help to me. I want to become a better dad, brother, son, uncle, friend and employee. I feel that my wife has had her share of my emotions. I think that I am detaching - but maybe too much.

I know what you're saying ... that MLCers do return - but maybe you and others have experienced what I'm feeling now ... that there would need to be a very compelling set of behaviors to persuade me of making a go of any relationship right now - with any woman.

Of course I have no option but to accept reality - that she is lost in herself and that we're likely going to face some physical upheaval to go along with the emotional. I do believe that MLC or something deeply psychological is going on with my wife and I'm trying to understand the process. I want to work through my experience of this too. My psychologist put no stock in MLC and it hasn't helped me.

She has rationalized this with friends and family. I've just kept quiet to everyone except a couple of close friends and to my parents and brother's families.

I've been thinking about some more of my own story, some important history with my wife that I want to get some opinions about on my own thread.

Dontgiveup - you're good to 2x4 me. You're strong in your understanding of this.

Thanks.

holdingon

[Dontgiveup]

Don't worry about not feeling the "connection" right now.....part of that is the detaching process and part of it is just simply a coping mechanism that is quite necessary for you.  It's a natural response to the feeling of rejection that you are experiencing.

Your feelings of not wanting a relationship with any woman are also very normal right now.  Being the spouse of an MLCer is perhaps one of the most painful emotional experiences that you can go through.  Please remember, though, when this is all said and done, you'll most likely find out that it was a tremendously painful experience for your MLCer also.

Your psychologist put no stock in MLC.....that's quite shocking (just kidding).  My guess is that a lot of professionals don't put stock in MLC because it's not really "treatable".  It's a life transition that takes time to work through.  It's the same reason why marriage counseling doesn't work for those dealing with an MLC spouse.  Marriage counseling is for two people that are willing to work on an actual marriage problem.  MLC is an individual emotional issue that obviously affects the marriage because the MLCer nearly always wants out (in one form or another)......but it's not something marriage counseling will help.

And, the rationalization (otherwise known as justification) is a foundational part of MLC.  Every MLCer can and does justify what they are doing or what they want to do.  Read the articles over and over.  In my opinion, they are some of the best information available on MLC.