[2.roads]

I am facing a HUGE dilemma right now...whether or not to stay in the home that H and I built together and shared for 17 of our 22 years together.

He is pushing ahead with the divorce and, because I have been a SAHM without an income, I cannot afford to buy out his share of it (not that he would have sold it to me anyway, as he firmly believes that this is HIS house).

But he has magnanimously offered to allow me to "rent" it from him after he buys out my share within the next couple of weeks. So, in essence, my husband of 22 years will become my not-so-pleasant landlord.

I am at a real crossroads here: part of me wants to stay as this is MY home too...despite what H thinks...and it would be nice not to have to uproot D15 from her home and school. Also...rental housing in this area is scarce and tends to be pricey....

BUT...I am at a point where I strongly believe that I am going to be "stuck" from moving foward in my healing process if I stay...especially under the conditons of H being the landlord and his contemptful attitude towards me. I also am afraid that taking on too much in regards to care of the house, is going to be a drain on me while dealing with the health issues that I have....

H is still firmly entrenched in replay with OW. I KNOW he will NOT do anything more than the bare minimum as landlord and it may sound peevish....but it burns me to no end being treated as his tenant after being a faithful wife and devoted mom for 22 years....

MY QUESTION: what have you done as far as staying in the marital home or moving?   

If you stayed...did you eventually get past the emotions that living in the home of your marriage stirs up...?

If you left...did you find that helped you heal emotionally? And if you have children, how did they handle it?

[SavingGrace]

2.roads, your situation is certainly a dilemma. It seems to be me your decision does not only affect you but you have to weigh this against the lives of your children. None of this is easy and certainly not fair. My heart goes out to you because of the situation your H has put you in with your living situation.

This being said, I doubt I am the most qualified to answer this question as I do not have children, and when my H and I parted ways we were renting a home. So, technically I haven't shared your similar experiences with the exception of having a cheating MLCer who wants a D.

What I can tell you is this: I am SO very relieved I moved into my own place and moved out of the marital home. This is MY house and he is not welcomed into it without my expressed permission. He is like a vampire! He is not allowed to cross the threshold of my home unless I grant him permission. To this date, he has NEVER been invited to my house and I doubt he ever will be. 

There are reasons for this line in the sand. While we are still married the marital home is seen as "his" even if he abandoned it to go be with the 4-timing serial cheater. Unless we have a separation agreement, he would be allowed legally to come into the home at his pleasure. I did not like this freedom and wanted to have my own sanctuary free from his physical and emotional intrusions. I personally could never have my H be my landlord. He would always be able to use the excuse to gain entrance into my personal space as he "tends to the care" of the home. I know I would never be comfortable or at ease with this situation. I am grateful for the quiet enjoyment of my new house. I choose not to let him see how I live or how my life operates. He put the needs, desires and wants of the OW before mine so I believe he will never be privileged to share a square inch of my house even if it is just to pick up a left behind item of his. I make him meet me in a public place and I give him whatever is his. I know with children you cannot have this arrangement, so I cannot even begin to think how difficult this situation can and will be for you and your kids.

All I know is I am healing. I am able to move on without him because he is without me and my personal space is without him. I have NO idea what my future will bring but for now this is what works for me. I also have made it crystal clear to him that I have NO desire to ever visit his house. I believe we have no business sharing these private sanctuaries for two very different reasons: for me it is to have a safe haven away from him to heal and become whole; for him it represents his new life with the OW and a painful reminder of what he gave up in order to gain her. I have no desire to be part of it. I certainly don't want him to be part of my new life. It sounds harsh but I don't trust him physically and this is MY boundary. 

I believe you have to make a hard decision but whatever you choose, you will do so in the best interests of yourself and your children. You are a very smart and careful woman. You will know what to do. I continue to pray for you. SG

[eternallyoptimistic]

I had wondered that many times myself. My h had proposed in our house and the memories where incredible. I felt, at times, that it was a sentimental prison. Then I decided that I felt it was my home...that my h had not been there for a long time and it felt like home to my d4 and I. I was ready to stay but if we would have ended up getting a D...I was also ready to move and have a new beginning. Only you know what is right....besides the memories are you afraid to move because it might mean an ending of your M? Things that I have realized is that you can't be afraid or let your view of your M hold you back from trying new things or doing things for you. You have to do what feels good to you and if it's a new beginning...it doesn't always mean that the doors are permanently closed...they can be reopened later if you even want them to be. So maybe it's time to take a leap for you....it can be a little one.

[Finding Hope]

2.roads,

I too haven't been up in your situation yet. We own a home and still live together. If one of us were to move out, I would want the house sold. I would want a place for a fresh start. I understand not wanting to pull your d from the home. After BD, he said that he wanted to stay together until our youngest graduated from high school. That was 2 years ago.

I think you need to do what your heart tells you. Having him as a landlord could become very stressful.
You do have a tough decision to make. I hope you get the clarity that you are seeking.

Take care
FH

[Slow Fade]

2.roads I stayed in my house as it was the only home my S10 remembers and he had suffered enough loss when my H left as it was. I am open to having to sell it as its kind of a white elephant, but only if we can stay in the same school district for my son.

We also have horses and other animals so it just makes sense to stay.  I sleep in a totally different room and have turned the master bedroom where we used to sleep into a TV/Computer room. 

Next we are going to paint some walls. We are making it our own. My mom put 90,000 of her own money down when we bought it so its her house too. More hers and mine than H's. I'm changing things in order to claim it. Kind of like marking my territory. 

He chose to leave, not me. Just my 2 cents.

[Ready2Transform]

I'm still in our home, and likely to get a quit claim signed by him if our D pushes through (it is at a total standstill right now).  It was very difficult to be here after he left 19 months ago, but I have pushed forward and made it my own, so it will be easy to stay if that's my choice.  But I have been looking at properties online and considering other possibilities just in case, so my mindset can easily adapt to the change.  I believe the best option for me will make itself known when the time is right, as God has lead me in every other area and won't drop me now.  I can definitely see not wanting to be a renter from your H.  Just remember home isn't just the four walls, so if you do find the better option is to leave, you will no doubt have somewhere that gives you more peace on the horizon.

[SavingGrace]

I wanted to add one more thing to consider but forget to write before I took my dog for a walk...

As the sole property manager of our properties, I would give my right arm to keep tenants who took care of the property and paid their rent on time. A cold shiver of pain would go up my spine when I got notice my tenants had to move and didn't want to renew their lease. I always hated having to find new tenants. What is your H's intentions with the house should you move out? Is he planning on moving back in or is he planning on leasing it? 

Do you really want to make your H's life easy by being the responsible tenant that he KNOWS you will take care of the property because you essentially believe it is yours and has been yours for the past 17 years? He is acutely aware you will pay rent because you will be afraid of him if you miss a payment. He is acutely aware that you will keep the place clean and not damage it because you have "ownership" of it and may fear his wrath. This landlord/tenant relationship is not just a business relationship but also a personal one and he knows all the buttons to push with you. Maybe he needs to know what it is like to have an empty piece of property for a a month to a few months and he has to take care of it both financially and physically? Maybe he needs to know what it is like to have tenants who complain about everything? Maybe he needs to know what it is like to see his once lovely home be wrecked because of tenants who just don't give a damn?

Do you really want to make his life easy by being a responsible tenant???

[DCD]

Hi 2.roads,

I'm sort of in the same dilemma as I need to stay in our location for my son's schooling and can't afford to live around here otherwise. Husband wants to buy me out (not sure how he thinks he'll be able to afford this home without SOMEONE ELSE moving in - he denies this will happen  ).

Something that came to mind when reading your post, and something you briefly touched on - he would now be your landlord...without a tenant agreement, what rights do you have if he decides to enter the home, ask you to leave in a moment of monster, sell? Under normal circumstances, your rights would be protected, to a certain extent and it would be an ideal arrangement for you and your daughter.  Will you have a written agreement? If he gets monsterish, it would make things very stressful. Anytime I do anything that remotely pi$$es husband off, he threatens me with buying the house out from under me (and by extension, our son ).  I hate that he has this kind of "control" over my security of my home but it currently is what it is.  What if he has a problem with you GALing, friends over, guests - or even, if it comes to it, you moving on with your life without him?

I really feel for you and your situation. I generally try to stay off husband's radar and let him be, in the hopes he returns that favour...but I'm not always successful in doing that and the fallout is anxiety producing to say the LEAST!  BUT at this time, in consideration of my son, it's what I have to do.  I'm not very helpful, I'm sorry, but this stood out to me as a possible issue to consider. Take good care!

[2.roads]

Thanks to all for your input!! SO MANY things to consider... being put in this position is just another reason why resentment at my MLCer continues to grow...as HIS crisis and ensuing journey of destruction has forced me to make decisons with neither option being ideal.

Even more so, it puts an additonal strain on D, no matter which option I choose.

 If we stay in the home, I KNOW it will take me longer to heal from this...and she has already suffered enough from me not always being strong, emotionally. It's about time she has a mom who is moving past grieving and getting on with life.

But if we move out, she will probably have to start a new school. 

SF ~  We have a horse (D's) a dog and 2 cats. It won't be easy to find a house with stables around here...not on my budget. So if we move she will have to give up Tucker...her doofy paint gelding. 

SG~ I completely concur with your assessment that H wants me as a tenant to relieve him of the burden of finding someone trustworthy to rent the house to. He KNOWS I keep it in better nick than he did, even when we were together. And by me "renting" he gets to write off the mortgage payment on his taxes as part of my spousal support. So it would feel like one more way he gets to win at being a scum-bag...   

DCD ~ I will definately NOT sign any agreement to rent this house, unless it has provisions in it to protect MY best interests... much like any traditonal lease between strangers. He is always reminding me that his demands are "just business" but as soon as I ask for anything, he sends nasty emails reminding me why I don't deserve to ask for it...making it very personal. But I've learned by now that this is just Monster and I don't back down. I do realize that I will need to be "crafty" in what I include in a lease agreement because my only hope of forcing him to comply is via the legal system.

If I look at it objectively, it may be the lesser of 2 evils for D and I to live here until I have completed my 1 year program at community college.

I have an appointment with my lawyer today...to review the draft of the financial agreement that H's lawyer sent over. I have a feeling that I'll have a clearer direction after that...

[ForeverHopefulOne]

2roads, I stayed.  At first, I felt like I was in a prison!  Like I was trapped in that house with all the memories of our seemingly happy marriage of 15 years.  It was torture and I was looking for every which way to get out.

As time went on, I changed things up a bit in the house (painting, moved furniture, etc) and made it my own.  I now love the house and won't move out.  However, things are the opposite for me - I was the main bread winner, so I am able to keep paying the mortgage and keep up with the overhead.  It wasn't easy at first, but I made it work.

You have to seriously look at the repercussions of this choice to stay and rent the house from your H.  He probably won't be in monster forever, however, he could make your life pretty miserable in the meantime. 

I do realize that I will need to be "crafty" in what I include in a lease agreement because my only hope of forcing him to comply is via the legal system.

Abosultely!  Have something drawn up that protects you (you not being responsible for repainting, carpeting, appliance maintenance, etc.).  Is he asking you to put a security deposit down?