[Faithfully Yours]

My H and I had been together since we were 17. My baby brother was little when we started dating and basically grew up idolizing my H. My brother adored him and they had such a strong bond until about 4-5 years ago when the issues started. Once H started lying to me about finances I had to tell my parents because we needed help getting out of the financial pit he had gotten us into. Once the lying continued though I should have kept it between H and I and I didn't. That is one mistake I made that I wish that I could take back. My Mom, Dad and brothers do not trust H any further than they could throw him. My Mom is a little more accepting of him than my dad and brothers. They want nothing to do with him now that he has left us and I seriously doubt that a relationship could be fixed if H returns. I pray for this daily. All of them tell me on a regular basis that I am better off without him. This is so hurtful because H has been with me longer than we were ever single, he is the father of my children and he is who I want to grow old with someday. I am praying that time will heal all wounds.

[superdog]

Sorry to hear that you have first hand experience of divorce still kicking.

I do know from my own situation that interactions are grown up and limited with little to no verbal discussions with my parents. My children do not hear anything either my parents or I have to say about my h.

On the flip side of what you said would it not be a life lesson for children to understand that to a large degree bad behaviour has consequences , no matter whether this is depression, mlc or otherwise ? Children IMO soak up as much in what they see for themselves as what they are taught in specifics.

Relationships with others is a huge part of growing up, hence the reason our mlcers struggle with them so much. Just my opinion.

SD
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[cherryblossom]

My mum died before BD but she loved Mr B - they got along well and family get togethers with my family were much more relaxed and fun than at the ILs.

My dad doesn't have much time for him and for some time wouldn't even call my home in case Mr B was here and answered.  I think that's because he just wouldn't know what to say to him.  My sister unfriended him on FB because she said she couldn't trust herself not to give him a piece of her mind.

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[DCD]

My h seems on the surface to just swallow this down, but knowing him as I do the fact that people think so badly of him will be eating away at his insides.

I believe this of my husband as well.  At first, he was always asking what my parents now thought of him, how they must hate him, and he really seemed pained.  He used to love the fact that they were so proud of him. It's also true that he never wants to be seen as the bad guy so I really think that would prevent reconciliation.  He's a weak man, that much has become apparent. I don't believe he could ever face my parents and say the heartfelt words needed to begin to make amends. Along with everything else, it would be easier just to toss it all and start over.

[Anjae]

My family loves Mr J like a son. We meet when he was 17 and me 18. There is no contact between Mr J and my family.

[Still Kicking]

On the flip side of what you said would it not be a life lesson for children to understand that to a large degree bad behaviour has consequences , no matter whether this is depression, mlc or otherwise ? Children IMO soak up as much in what they see for themselves as what they are taught in specifics.

Relationships with others is a huge part of growing up, hence the reason our mlcers struggle with them so much. Just my opinion.

SD
x

It is important to learn about consequences but there is also learning that no one is perfect and there is forgiveness and the example of taking the higher road.  Certainly the Dad doesn't deserve good treatment but the kid deserves to have a dad.  Could banning the dad from the house to show consequences make the child feel caught in the middle as far as feeling he would betray half of the family by loving his dad? 

I don't know the answers.  Just thinking.  I am reading threads about people trying to figure out the best way to tell the kids and to tell you the truth I have no memory of what I was told or of even feeling bad.  I remember we weren't supposed to tell anyone as it was the days of Divorce Court on TV and shame and my mother was afraid "bad men" might break into the house if they knew a man was no longer there.  But I have no memory of how it was explained to me.

I don't think it was a surprise as there was lots of fighting and carrying on.  In fact I think it was a bit of a relief to have him out of there.  But I know that even though I didn't even like the guy there were self esteem issues as far as being deserted by him.  My mother in retrospect had huge strength to never badmouth him and to explain that he had disappeared because he was "sick" and not that he didn't love us.  But a child can't help but think that if a person that is supposed to love you no matter what can disappear than maybe there is something that makes them not as lovable as other children--and it doesn't matter how much the other parent tries to make up for it. 

It took me until I was 50 before I trusted myself to a serious relationship and look what I ended up with  That is why I get worried when I see the parents wanting to make their battle that of the kids.  The kids don't need to know what daddy did to mommy.  The kids just need to be loved. 

[Mitzpah]

I wonder how my parents would react if my h. came back.

They loved him as a son, my father worked alongside him in the same office for a year after BD and I know that it was very difficult for my father, I guess it was for my h. too.
They support my stand and pray with me, however they are concerned about what I have been left with - overheavy living expenses, rebellious teenagers, pending legal issues with the property of the house, loneliness, my natural withdrawing... I know they feel my pain and frustration very keenly.
They refused to go to my d18's b'day party at a rented venue because they knew they would have to see him with his 'new' family and I am glad they didn't go - I can't imagine how we would have managed, it was bad enough for me alone.

I hope and pray that they will have the joy of welcoming him back, but they are not getting any younger (daddy is 78 and mummy is 74) and we know this thing takes a long, long time.

I am grateful for their unconditional love to me and I really hope my h. has the privilege of reconciling with them too. They are both very gracious people, but I know that they hurt for me...

[CallanG]

My M & SD thought the world of H, they thought he was good for me. They were proud of everything that he achieved in our community , he got on well with all my family . My M and MIL used to email and keep each other updated on our life.
All of them are devastated and can not understand this change in personality . My M and B initially started to say things like , he was not easy to talk to or I did not really know him . I explained that I know they were protecting me that they did know him before this crisis and that I would rather they did not run him down in front of me . My Step Dad was able to be a little bit more detached , it still hurt but he seems to understand that H is not himself and although it does not excuse what has happened it goes some way to explaining it .
I do not discuss H in front of family anymore because to just led to conflict .
My M and MIL still email, MIL apologised on H behalf not that it was her job to do that .
H has not once asked how any of my family are or have reacted

[Still Kicking]

Superdog I must apologize to you as my post was not directed at your specifically but just a rant to the universe brought on by a temporary financial stress meltdown.  I know you are doing the best for your child and if you weren't concerned about how your mother was handling things then you wouldn't nave brought it up.  I meant nothing personal toward you.

[superdog]

Still kicking, no need to apologise for anything.

Believe me, I am devoid of taking anything personally these days. If I start doing that then I have taken 10 steps back the way. ;-)

Totally understand the need to rant, rant away its good for the soul.

We are all in the same boat honey and totally understand the stresses etc. Absoluely no offence taken whatsoever.

Main reason I started this is I have always doubted my mum's ability to cope with anything emotional and when I saw her reacting this way I just saw passive aggressive again and was keen to learn how others ave reacted. Maybe I did her a dis service.


Sd
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