[1trouble]

I cannot comment on rock bottom as far as MLC is concerned but I can comment as far as addiction because I experienced this when my H hit rock bottom after a serious addiction to coke 12 years ago....and to me, I imagine it to be (from wht I have read from those who have gone through it or witnessed it) to be the same as what my H went through on his coke rock bottom and what some have coped with at various points in our lives, when we experience other things similar to MLC/addiction, like very low points consecutively, either way its a time where we are being destructive and realise to carry on will lead to total physical, mental, spiritual, financial or moral destruction or a combination of some or all.

Its when you are standing on the precipice, when you realise to continue will ultimately destroy 'you'. I personally believe that MLC and addiction are very similar because I believe both involve an alteration of brain chemicals and so are very similar and particularly where an AP is concerned because the high of addiction and coke are the same.

I think my H is near to it, but it still could take some time and maybe he will fight it and not go to the real bottom this time, it can happen.....we human beings are resilient and we can go down and bounce up again, we can be near destruction and then do things to mitigate the damage, we can dance on the edge.............BUT I do believe, like drugs, MLC is one of those things which means eventually the body, spirit, mind or a combination of the three or all three lead them to self destruction or out of the tunnel......BUT as I said we can bounce back.

When my H hit rock bottom for coke addiction it followed a binge which was triggered by me saying I could not "do this anymore" ...this referred to our relationship and the uncertainty etc.....he went on a 3-4 day binge and then suddenly phoned me and asked me if he could meet me
There was something in his voice, (to this day I don't know what it was, but I 'knew' it was different), I agreed to meet him at my home and when I got back to my house he arrived shortly after and just broke down and cried......saying how he knew if he carried on taking coke he would kill himself and he loved me and wanted to stop...

With MLC I believe, from what I have read, its not dissimilar, however I think its more of a gradual awareness and less dramatic (though newmans story illustrates more of a sudden awareness).

My therapist, who is a neuroscientist and has been a therapist for 35 years says MLC is more like a chemical imbalance similar to post natal depression and feels its more of a gradual awareness.  She said its more like a very choppy sea which the MLC is swimming in and at the beginning means the MLC gets dragged down into the depths all the time but as it progresses, the choppy sea has periods of calm and so they are more aware and get more aware as the time goes on and the sea becomes more calm......

Of course, part of this 'bottom' is the realisation of the guilt and shame and as time goes on,  the MLC'er is more aware of the damage caused.  Adding to this the low self esteem they feel, they are less likely to reach out to the very person they feel such guilt and shame for hurting (the LBS) and baring in mind, in many cases the LBS has moved on, or the relationship has broken down, meaing that if/when rock bottom comes, its not always witnessed by the LBS and maybe there are more MLC'ers that hit a dramatic bottom but don't show it to us so its less well documented.

[Velika]

Speed Racer, if you have not read it, I highly recommend "Signs of Depression in MLC": http://whatismidlifecrisis.blogspot.com/2013/07/signs-of-depression-in-mlc.html?m=1. Though written about male MLCers, comments below attest it is accurate for female as well.

#10 and #26 address your questions about when a breakthrough/turning point might occur and what the result could be. As you will see, each may vary according to the MLCer.

On HS, you will see posters with many theories, some overlapping. I am someone who thinks MLC is at least partially neurological/chemical imbalance. With that in mind, consider that a person with a mental illness may have different level of severity or duration.

I have read that MLC is like bipolar. Along this line Replay is mania. Most people with bipolar don't seek help until they hit overt depression. This is Liminality you read about on the site.

I think many MLCers are chemically imbalanced. Therefore what would typically "wake up" a person in their right mind who was engaging in destructive behaviors due to psychological reasons is unlikely to wake up a person experiencing a psychiatric problem.

I'm like you, I have so many questions.

[Roma]

Neurological issues would have to do with the central nervous system and nothing to do with a chemical imbalance.

Yes indeed a chemical imbalance can be in play yet that has nothing to do with the central nervous system.

Speed asked about  'Rock Bottom' which is something that happens much later on in the crisis like a few years away and is a newbie. We as older HS members might want direct him to focus on healing himself and his children not to confuse him and to help him out.

[Ready2Transform]

There are certain neurotransmitters that also effect hormones and chemical imbalance. I very much agree, Velika, at least in my case, there is no question there is overlap between what is happening with my xH emotionally and biologically.

[Roma]

My point is not someone agrees or not, it's to finally help him start to heal. I know how hard it is to take the focus off the MLCer and start to focus on yourself.

[Nas]

I'm glad the discussion was started.  I think speed racer is at the point of trying to learn all he can about MLC.
I am 18 months in and still trying to learn.

I believe it's important to learn and ask questions and that that can be done while also focusing on ourselves.
He may be asking a question about something that won't happen for quite a while, but we all do that.  And the responses will help others, not just speed racer. 

Speed is still extremely new to all of this.  It takes time to process what is happening. 

[Roma]

His questions are very good! don't get me wrong. It's just that when I first started and my mind would drift to my MLCer? My mentor was there to help me back to put the focus back on me.

It wasn't very easy. lol

I'm just helping to do the same because I know just how hard it is.

[FacePalm]

Rock Bottom for me was when I was crying inconsolably and felt completely helpless.  There was a specific evening I remember falling asleep after begging God to take away the pain because I couldn't do it anymore.  The next day I had a sense of peace and began little by little to pull myself up and get on with life.  It was the start of Acceptance.  I needed to hit my personal Rock Bottom so I could stop focusing on the MLC, the affair, and the pain.  It allowed me to turn inward and do the real mirror work that has set me up for growth over the past year.

As someone mentioned, everyone has their own bottom.  For MLCers I think it's the point when they stop running because they can't run any longer from the person staring back at them in the mirror.  It's only then that their growth and healing can begin. 

[StillStanding]

I certainly don't fault speed for wanting to learn everything he can about MLC, because I believe that knowledge will help him with detachment. Once he feels sure in his mind that MLC is a process that takes time, he will be able to let go to do what she needs to do.

But seeking that knowledge can also be about control. Some people—and I'm not saying speed is one of those people—think that if they know what MLC is, that they can guide or push them MLCer though the tunnel. It doesn't work that way: I can no more coach someone through their MLC than I can force someone's broken leg to heal faster.

Moreover, trying to help your MLCing spouse will not actually help you to heal. Setting your own feelings aside because your spouse's crisis is more important is an extremely codependent way of thinking.

Speed, you will know when your wife is through the tunnel and willing to consider reconciliation because it will show in her behavior towards you. I'm going to echo what the others said; focus on taking care of yourself and the kids.

[OffRoad]

Did I read the question wrong? I was thinking Speed wanted to know about anyone and everyone's rock bottom, LBS and MLCER alike.

If that is so, from this person's  LBS perspective, my rock bottom came the day I woke up and decided I was ok with whatever happened. I didn't break him, I can't fix him, but I can fix me. All the anxiety about where he was or what he was doing, or what he said or did meant disappated. I guess mine was more like I started climbing out, but I had no idea I'd hit the bottom. I just knew it was time to live my life, for me and my kids, and if H joined us somewhere along the way, fine. If not, fine, too.

So Speed, if you might be wondering when you, as an LBS, might hit your own rock bottom, so you can start to feel normal again,  I'd venture it happens when you accept that this is what you have, you can't change anyone but yourself, and you want to move forward with your life. Not necessarily on, but forward. I let go of trying to control the outcome, felt the grief that comes with a death, for this was surely the death of the H that I'd known, and mourned the loss of my innocence.

If you are wondering how you will recognize rock bottom in your spouse, I think you will know it when you see it. And since a watched pot never boils, may as well live your life instead of watching, right?

Time. It goes by quicker than you think.